Impeachment

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Bill Clinton wanted variously to be remembered for proclaiming the end of the Era of Big Government, and of the Era of Small Government. But he is best known for starting the Era of Getting Caught.

Under the Constitution of the United States, whoever best convinces the public to elect him to an office, owns it for the entire term of the office. The document makes an exception for judges and the President, whom it is hard for even scandal to dislodge. When the nation wants to discharge these officials due to illness--because the public is sick of them--it turns to the institution of impeachment.

Definition[edit]

Impeachment does not itself remove an official from office. Impeachment is just the official accusation, which sets up a trial. So--

  • The House of Representatives votes to impeach an official if Members find it would serve their personal political interest to chuck him out of office. In contrast,
  • The Senate conducts the trial, and votes to convict if Members find it would serve their personal political interest to chuck him out of office.

The Constitution calls for impeachment in cases of "high crimes and misdemeanors." For the definition of this, see just above. Unspoken prerequisites for impeachment are that Congress be controlled by the party of which the President is not a member, and that the President's poll numbers are both low and dropping like a rock.

Arguments[edit]

Members of the President's party argue that the opposition intends to "overturn the results of the last election" and "substitute its will for the will of the people." This is crap. The people elected the President and a Vice President of the same party at the same time. So the only result is that the ruling party's designated backup candidate would take over. Of course, the Vice President is always an illiterate, bumbling, wimpy fool nominated for the express purpose of inducing loathing at the thought of anything untoward happening to the President--including removal for cause.

(For example, Gerald Ford, Dan Quayle, George H. W. Bush, Al Gore, Dick Cheney, Joe Biden. The reader may go further back but will find no exceptions to this rule.)

The President's allies also argue that the drive to impeach is an attack on the office, rather than on his misconduct. They argue that using the procedure called for in the Constitution is a threat to Constitutional government. Uh huh.

However, when government is occupied by adults, sometimes the mere threat of impeachment induces action. In 1974, when it became clear that President Richard Nixon had spied on adversaries and the opposition party, and had directed a cover-up, friendly Congressmen in gray suits successfully appealed to him to resign. Gerald Ford took over and jubilantly told the nation that the Constitution had won out. In fact, he meant that the Constitution had been snuck around. (Government has not been occupied by adults since then.)

Impeachment in United States History[edit]

You don't remember Andrew Johnson, the first impeached President. No cigars. No blow jobs.

The first President to be impeached was Andrew Johnson. He became President on the strength of a single bullet, delivered by John Wilkes Booth, at the end of the Civil War when tempers were still quite hot. The charges were essentially that he didn't adequately suck up to Congress. No one remembers him.

Bill Clinton was the more notorious recipient of a writ of impeachment. He is called the "first elected President to be impeached," because Americans love firsts and records, and because Republicans like to pretend that his sliminess was unprecedented. More about this below.

Various federal judges have been impeached and even convicted, notably when they accept bribes. The problem with impeaching judges is that it enables them to mount successful campaigns for Congress.

The impeachment of Bill Clinton[edit]

A key member of the U.S. Senate is underneath his desk, himself receiving oral sex from an intern.

In 1994, two years into the term of President Clinton, the Congress switched to the opposition Republican Party, which naturally found it expedient to investigate whether the President had committed "high crimes and misdemeanors" that might make him (snicker!) ineligible for office.

Congress availed itself of the Independent Counsel Act (which has since been dug a deep grave). This Act, derived from the English Star Chamber, lets Congress name an investigator and give him an unlimited budget with which to incessantly pursue a specific individual to see what dirt can be dug up on him.

Unfortunately, the original independent counsel, Robert Fiske, found no impeachable acts; only minor crimes that backslapping politicians always let one another get away with. The new Congress replaced him with Kenneth Starr, who was, as it's often put in Help Wanted advertising, a self-starting individual with fire in his eyes.

We Took a Vote.JPG

Sure enough, through an arcane combination of a talk-show hostess, a harassment lawsuit, and a legal fishing expedition allowed by a women's-rights law Clinton himself signed, Starr parlayed an investigation of insufficiently documented real estate payments and improper firings into a lurid story of oral sex in the White House. Which is nothing illegal, though Congressmen of the other party are routinely shamed out of office at the mere charge of pressuring powerless interns for kisses on the less remarkable end.

Fatefully, Clinton followed the most recent modern precedent--that set by Richard Nixon--and defended himself by giving the nation a finger-wagging scolding, lying under oath, and getting subordinates to destroy evidence. In 1998, Starr delivered his report to the House Judiciary Committee. The motorcade carrying cardboard boxes of documents to Congress got more TV coverage than any event until the fateful trip of O.J. Simpson's white van. Even more notably, the Starr report was available in paperback, nationwide within three days, wherever fine pornography is sold.

The Republicans insisted that the case was not about sex. This is crap. Windy explanations of evasive testimony and five-paragraph definitions of sex--all of which depend on what the meaning of the word is, is--don't sell. Cigar-in-vagina: That, we understand.

The trial moved to the Senate, and as set out in the Constitution, Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist presided. As not set out anywhere, he wore a black robe with four golden stripes on each arm, like Captain Kirk. Oddly, the Republican Senate declined to hear witnesses, arranged a whirlwind schedule, and came well short of the two-thirds majority that would have removed Clinton from office. But recall that the real question for Senators is which outcome best butters their own political toast. The GOP had a choice between a now-discredited liar, or seating a President Gore, a new face whose biggest lies were still ahead of him. Clinton was cleared for two more years of governance guaranteed to be totally ineffective--except for the occasional granting of pardons to campaign donors.

The impeachment of George W. Bush[edit]

This was proposed every month during Bush's presidency, because Washington runs on payback. Astute readers know why it never happened:

  • In Bush's first six years, he controlled Congress. Republicans eat their own babies, but only during election campaigns.
  • In Bush's last two years, the Democrats ran Congress. They vilified Vice President Dick Cheney for single-handedly making the Hurricane Katrina flood waters take a sharp right turn toward the black neighborhoods of New Orleans. However, they would not cast a vote that instantly doubled the intelligence and quadrupled the persuasiveness of the White House. That is, the Vice President once again performed his only essential function.

The impeachment of Barack Obama[edit]

Barack Obama's poll numbers fell like a rock during his first two years, but his party ran Congress. Some Republicans charged that Obama was foreign-born and technically unable to be President. They were bound and gagged by their leadership, in favor of smiling and practicing their shuck-and-jive.

Republicans retook the House in January 2011, having campaigned to return the nation to fiscal balance and the military to actual national defense, as they utterly failed to do when they last called the shots. Surprising no one, they again made no progress toward either goal, as they spent all their time considering Obama's "high crimes and misdemeanors."

The impeachment of Donald Trump[edit]

On the heels of the surprise election of President Donald Trump, it remained true that "revenge is a meal best served by pompous men in gray suits," though it now included frumpy women in pussy hats. The drive to remove Trump began the moment the ink was dry on the next day's blogs. It involved proposals that:

  • Members of the Electoral College chosen by the Trump campaign experience a sudden attack of conscience and vote for the Dalai Lama or something;
  • Cabinet secretaries Trump appointed gather and vote him unfit to serve under the 25th Amendment, provided the President does not fire them first or simply declare them "Acting" Cabinet Secretaries;
  • Employees of White House Facilities Maintenance use bricks and mortar to ensure that Trump cannot get into the Oval Office.

When Trump's lieutenants inexplicably declined to remove Trump, the conversation naturally turned to impeachment, requiring another heroic search for High Crimes and Misdemeanors. On the heels of a scripted meeting with top FBI lawmen, which was immediately leaked to east-coast newspapers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions had to appoint a Special Prosecutor, and immediately issue a "recusal" declaring himself too biased in favor of Trump to supervise what the Prosecutor did. He was then fired.

Robert Mueller rose to the occasion and assembled a group of expert lawyers, whose expertise was mostly in contributing to the Hillary Clinton campaign. It is part of the delight of a career in Washington that anything rash that Trump did regarding the investigative process, such as firing subordinates for talking to the press, could itself be the High Crime of obstruction. The investigators threw several Trump associates in prison, just to keep their skills high. They were all fired shortly before their prison sentence.

A mere two years, 730 news cycles, and one Attorney General later, Bob Barr asked Mueller what he was up to and told him it was probably time to issue their report. This led the news for another week, and the Congressional hearings to digest it took several more, though Mueller mainly distinguished himself with testimony along the lines of, "Golly! Did we write that?" Then, Mueller was fired.

When the dust died down, Trump had not been impeached. This outraged freshman Democrats, as the 2020 election was closing in and Congress had not done anything else either. Speaker Nancy Pelosi threw it open to four of her committees to start over searching for High Crimes, issue subpoenas, and see if Trump began to react so poorly as to finally be grounds for removal.

In Fall 2019, it came to light that Rudy Giuliani, Trump's attorney, had spoken with Ukrainian delegates to secure an investigation on the Bidens in exchange for the aid that Congress had already approved. Rudy Giuliani was fired, and the White House press secretary first confessed to quid pro quo, then completely denied his confession that he had made in front of a room full of reporters. Meanwhile, Trump insisted that the FBI tell him the identity of the whistleblower, so that he could invite him to a dinner at the White House. He also offered a bounty of a free annual pass to all of his resorts to anyone who could dig up dirt on his chief political rival in 2020.

In December 2019, the U.S. government was shut down due to Trump vetoing the spending bill that was required to sustain government operations. Trump had absolutely no ulterior motive to veto this massive spending bill, which included insufficient funding for his sacred border wall, and might allow business to go on as usual. This had the effect of diverting Congressional attention away from the impeachment toward getting basic services up and running again to stop their base from screaming. The shutdown would continue until promises were secured from Congressional leaders that they would not vote to impeach Trump.

The basis for everything was, as set out at the start of this article, that the House was controlled by the opposition Democrats. The plucky effort continued despite the obvious obstacles: The Senate, which would conduct the Fair Trial, was controlled by Trump's own party (and Republicans only eat their own when the stakes are high). And the Vice President once again served his only important function, to make the nation not want anything bad to happen to the President. Mike Pence was squeaky clean (frustrating plans by writers at Slate that he would do the right thing and step aside in favor of Hillary) and showed every sign of turning the weekly White House press conference into an evangelical revival meeting that no one in the Press Corps would want to sit through.

See also[edit]