Jeff Beck

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Jeff yardbirds.jpg
Greetings! And welcome to Uncyclopedia's Jeff Beck page. It all started.. well, to be precise, Geoffrey 'Jeff' Beck appeared on 24 June 1 BE (1944). He is considered by most of those who think so to be the best amongst the three noted guitarists, along with Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page, to have played a guitar hero with The Yardbirds. Having been fired but claiming to have quit The Yardbirds, Beck subsequently formed the 'Attitudes & Tantrums' with Rod Stewart and Ron Wood, as well as "BBA" with Bogert and Appice, besides playing innovative guitar instrumentals. His oft stated goal was to play the guitar in such a manner that it doesn't sound at all like a guitar, opting in stead to sound like, but not limited to, an earthquake, a sitar, a howling banshee, a jack hammer, a jet engine, a tuba, a hotrod, and singing blackbirds. Here we are pleased to offer you a glimpse of the temperamental myth hiding behind the bloke.
Much of Beck's recorded output has been instrumental, mainly because, as he has said many times, 'I bloody hate lead singers!' On several occasions Beck sang lead vocal, such as in the song "Tally Man"[1], and thus he developed a hatred for himself also. That personal self-loathing drove Beck to even greater musical heights as he continued to prove that 'stuck-up, prat' singers, no matter how talented, were entirely unnecessary. It is also ironically true that the world's foremost guitar-player would be its worst singer. "Hi Ho Silver Lining" was one among other Beck songs which are so perfect that they can only be made better by removing the vocals entirely.
Jeff plays musical genres ranging from anger, blues-rock, bitching, heavy-metal, temper-tantrums, jazz-fusion, travel-sickness, boredom, joking, and taking the piss out of everything, especially his dear fans. More recently, Jeff has excelled at playing a blend of guitar-rock augmented by a real, live, drum machine. Using a computer operated by some rhythm-techie actually enables Beck to finally play music with someone or something that can exist on his multi-track automated level. One of his later tunes, "Earthquake"[2], caused the San Andreas fault to not shift in recognition, thus averting the "big one" in Hollywood, albeit temporarily.
Beck has repeatedly said of his past, 'Everyone thinks of the 1960s as something they really weren't. It was the frustration period of my life because we just never got bloody paid!' But he has long-since made up for those lean years by being honored with awards such as 'Best Rock Guitarist' by Hot Rod Magazine, and for being named as number one in the Jeff Beck Hall of Fame. If awards were worth money then Beck would be rich - which they aren't and he isn't. And no thanks goes to Michelangelo Antonioni, director the '60s film 'Blow Up', who answered the question, why did you choose Jeff Beck to break his guitar over his amplifier? His heart-felt answer was simply, 'because he's free!'
Although he has never had a hit album as a solo act, Beck has accumulated a broad following of garage-band guitarists in the world. Jeff is truly a musician's musician, and that's why he has few female fans, apart from Joan Jett, Jennifer Batten, Tal Wilkenfeld, Kate Bush, and other lady rockers. But don't think Jeff lacks sex appeal, because in every band he has ever played with he always out-shines the singer. Besides, boys fantasize about being a guitarist more than girls - it's kind of a phallic thing. In fact, Jeff is a male, and most girls, besides she-males and transsexuals, don't imagine themselves as a male.
Apart from playing guitar, Beck is also a top-notch guitar mechanic, and is pictured here at his guitar shop adding distortion to his ax. At a ripe old age, when most ancient rockers can't even trust a fart, Beck remains an awesome player, who has no memory loss.. he can still remember who ripped him off in 1965; and he still hangs out with his mates from grade school. So, regardless if you're an atheist or a saint, please step forward and offer your autograph to the supremely mercurial Jeff Beck. Cheerio! And don't miss the following balderdash as well.

Classic Jeff Beck Quotes

I quit!

~ Jeff to The Yardbirds

You're fired!

~ Jeff to Rod Stewart

We have a love/hate relationship; you love me, I hate you.

~ Jeff to himself

Someone said I should be proud tonight; and I bloody-well am! Because I kicked you out. Fuck me!

~ Jeff to the World

Rolling Stone summarized Jeff Beck's career

In 2011 Rolling Stone magazine screwed the capstone on Jeff Beck's career with a now famous two-paragraph summary:

"Jeff Beck wasn't much into booze or dope, and never really had a substance abuse problem. His problems were that music was 40 years behind him, amps were crap, drummers couldn't 'play like machines', and he hated his lead vocalists because he always wanted to be "It". Most of all he was as terrible a singer as he was a superb soloist on guitar. He spent much of his life wishing he could get Jimmy Page to play rhythm - which he finally accomplished in 2009 at his 2nd Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

"Beck was as talented as he was eccentric. He once said that at his next gig he was going to wear a bird cage on his head with a parrot on a perch shouting 'fuck off!!!' at the crowd. Unfortunately he didn't do it, to everyone's disappointment. In the beginning of popular music there was the singer. Then there was the singer with back up band. Then there was the band with lead singer. But Jeff was the lead of every band he played in, which made a strange situation with The Yardbirds because Jeff was IT, not the singer. Jeff was the star of every band he played in, and if that meant firing Rod Stewart, then so be it."

Music samples

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Jeff Beck.

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