Jimmy Savile
“Now then, Now then”
“Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua! Now then, now then! How's about that then?”
Sir James Wilson Vincent Gold Savile, O.B.E. C.B.E. D.S.O. V.C. M.C. P.A.E.D.O. was a British DJ, television personality, gold enthusiast and underage girl enthusiast. He was arguably the most famous Yorkshireman of the 20th century and both entertained and creeped-out several generations of children and their parents. Since his possibly gold-related death it has been revealed that Savile was in fact a massive sex offender, at least it was a revelation to the twenty people who didn't suspect it already.
Early Life: 1902 - 1960[edit]
Savile was born in 1902 in Leeds, Yorkshire. He was drafted during World War I to work as a gold miner under the British government's "Dig for Gold" policy[1] and this is thought to be where his addiction for snorting gold dust began.
Following the armistice, the teenage Jimmy used the fifty pounds he had saved up during his time working to buy his own train in which he installed the first (and only) "locomotive dancehall". It was during this time that Jimmy claimed to have been the first person to DJ with 23 turntables and a tin of Heinz baked beans in 1923[2]. This was later found to be a lie started by Jimmy's arch-nemesis Clive Anderson[3], he actually only used five turntables.
A former nightclub bouncer and associate of the notorious Kray Twins, Savile's links with the criminal underworld were severely undermined when he was ordered to "take out" Charlie Richardson and bought two tickets for Alton Towers instead.
Superstar Career 1961 - 1994[edit]
A common misconception is that Jimmy started his career in radio. This is a wicked lie and was probably started by Clive Anderson. Jimmy's actual first claim to fame was being co-owner of the company Burberry where Jimmy enjoyed a comfortable life as a bachelor. However, it was not meant to be and Jimmy was fired for his critically-slated "church tracksuit" and "burial tracksuit". After such a rejection, Jimmy took a gap year and did nothing but eat raw eggs and listen to Glen Miller discs on what he described as "the most powerful speakers they had back then, the ones Mussolini used so that crowds in Rome could hear him being mad".
Wrestling[edit]
Jimmy felt so strong from all those eggs and that hardcore Big Band music that he took-up a career in wrestling. This was back in the days when it wasn't all staged and people could get seriously hurt. But not Jimmy who won almost all of his bouts. "It was mainly because I chose to fight ten year old boys. You. See." he admitted many years later. "You can't do that now, though, because of heath and safety."
James Bond ambitions[edit]
Contrary to unpopular belief, Jimmy was set to play the role of James Bond in the movie Gold Finger but was dropped from the role when he stole the gold paint featured in the film and painted several cub scouts gold. This lead to an enraged Sean Connery, who happened to be passing when Jimmy was giving a protesting Scout a "lick of gold", administering a damn good thrashing to Savile with his manly Scottish fists. Connery's viciousness so impressed the film-makers that he was re-cast as James Bond in the film in the place of the now disgraced and hospitalised Jimmy.
Top Of The Pops[edit]
In 1964, Jimmy started a long stint presenting the BBC's flagship youth pop fab TV show Top Of The Pops. At the time, Savile's gold-addiction was still a shameful secret and he insisted on presenting the show in evening dress. The first few shows were critically-slated owing to Jimmy's insistence that having bands performing live was "a passing fad. you. see." and instead choosing to have featured Top 40 records played on vinyl on a record-player whilst "the kids" danced and Jimmy awkwardly grooved-gently from his leather presenters-chair. However, a shake-up by BBC top-brass saw bands performing on the show and Jimmy presenting in a standing-up position. Savile agreed to this on the condition that the programme-makers would allow him to wear a top hat and monocle. The latter memorably popped-out every time a band's performance was a particularly raucous or raunchy one.
Savile left Top Of The Pops in 1982, handing over presenting duties to Darth Vader and Simon Bates. He returned to present the final Top Of The Pops in 2006, an infamous show during which Jimmy mostly ignored the autocue and drank innumerable flutes of fortified champagne whilst holding-forth his "bitter" and "obscenity-littered" thoughts on TOTP, the featured bands and the BBC from a gold and platinum throne he had had delivered to Broadcasting House for the occasion. His dismissal of Babyshambles as "the thin shite duke and his junkies!" lead to an in-studio fist-fight with Pete Doherty which, having gone on for fifteen minutes across two BBC studios, was declared a draw by the production staff. Savile was supposed to have ended the show with the words "It's still Number One, it's Top Of The Pops!" but was unable to as he was busy being deliberately sick into Doherty's trilby. "We laugh about it now and he still has that hat, with all my dried sick in it. Ua-ua-ua!!" Sir Jimmy commented in a 2008 interview.
Jim Can't Fix It[edit]
When Jimmy was ready he decided to start his own show Jim Can't Fix It. This was to be the show that launched him into a showbiz career and made him a godzillionaire.
The show was based around the idea of members of the public (usually children, "preferably female and between the ages of 12 and 14... because they're more popular with the viewers" said Savile, rubbing his hands) sending Jimmy letters asking for his help with a situation or to make a dream come true. Jimmy then spent the rest of the show rejecting these requests and then going into detail of why he can't fix it. Over the years the show was broadcast, Jimmy failed to make many peoples' wishes come true including performing onstage with Adam Ant ("He's a professional, you know, he only works with professionals"), being served breakfast by Samantha Fox ("She's too busy being a whore") and curing a little boy's cancer ("I'm not Jesus"). Probably the most famous show is the edition that featured the group of cub scouts who wanted to eat their dinner in a weird place, in which Jimmy told them "No". However, Jimmy stated in his autobiography As It Happened (According To My Lawyer) that he was always willing to grant any fixes that involved teenage girls visiting his dressing room, provided it had a lock on it.
Anyone who appeared on the show won one of Jimmy's special medals which were handmade by Jimmy himself. These were made of pure bakelite and featured the words "Jim Didn't Fix It For Me" painted on them skillfully with tippex. For the last show in 1994, Savile considered having the letters painted in gold paint as a celebratory gesture but Jimmy found it too hard to relinquish some of his precious gold.
British Rail promotion[edit]
Jimmy famously and memorably fronted various adverts for British Rail in the 1980s. These adverts usually featured Savile, dressed as a gold-chain wearing Edwardian pimp, hanging around various railway stations in the UK and harassing passers by for not buying enough tickets and not travelling far enough. Some also featured him on the trains themselves, commenting on the interior luxuries British Rail was famous for. One memorable advert broadcast from 1981-82 had Jimmy in the restaurant car in which he greedily and savagely devoured a savaloy whilst telling viewers about BR's latest onboard buffet service. This particular advert received complaints from parents who felt that it was undoing all their good work in encouraging their children not to talk with their mouths full.
"I like kids with their mouths full and agree they shouldn't talk" said Savile in an interview shortly after this, giving the nation just one of many hints that he was a slimy paedo.
Savile always delivered the famous catchphrase at the end of these adverts - "This is the age of the car - but go by train!"
LSD Safety Campaign[edit]
Starting in 1969, Jimmy started appearing in "information films" produced by HM Government in which he advised the nation's hippies, drop-outs and annoying twats on "safe ways" to use the popular recreational tonic LSD. Savile introduce some clips of LSD-drinkers wandering into the paths of oncoming tanks, throwing themselves from the roof of the Reichstag or recording tedious concept albums. At the end, Jimmy appeared on-screen again to explain how "such tragedies can be avoided" and demonstrated how an LSD-imbiber could be safely locked-into a giant romper-suit suspended from the ceiling of an "airing cupboard or family dungeon" and left until they'd "come down" again. The catchphrase "Clunk-Click, every Trip" took on a cult following and for years afterwards Jimmy had people who'd been drinking Buckfast shout it at him in the street before being sick into a drain.
Fame in the USA[edit]
While his TV shows never achieved the level of success in American like they did in his native land, Savile is best known stateside as the man who invented Slim Jims. Savile made more than £70 million from this venture, but later wasted every penny investing it in the BBC soap Eldorado as executive producer.
Hair[edit]
Jimmy famously never cut his hair from 1979 until his death and it has starred in many films such as Gandalf's beard from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Sean Connery's chest hair, and most famously Pierce Brosnan. "I like to think my hair is a star in its own right, now then now then, Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua!" Jimmy told Martin Bashir in a 2001 interview.
Sexuality[edit]
Basically, we don't know. We do now, see below.
Battle with gold[edit]
In late 1998, following a particularly depraved visit to a South African gold mine[4], Savile was persuaded to go into G-hab at the famous "Halls Of Montezuma" clinic in Mexico to try and cure his gold fever. After going gold turkey for forty days and forty nights, Jimmy was released from G-hab a cured man. Jimmy subsequently enjoyed his favourite past-time of injecting himself with minerally-pure gold responsibly.
Later Life: 1994 - 2011[edit]
For most of his life, Jimmy lived with his mother, Mrs Savile, who he called "The Duchess" even though she didn't hold any noble titles that Jimmy was aware of. Following her death he kept all of her clothes in a wardrobe and washed them once a week. He denied there was anything odd about this and strongly denied on a documentary by Louis Theroux that he kept her corpse around the house to "chat to"; having said that he also refused to allow Theroux into the cellar of his Yorkshire mansion, insisting "Let me tell you, young man, there absolutely is not a massive multi-roomed shrine to the Duchess down there the size of a small town with the centrepiece being a recreation of the greek parthenon housing her embalmed remains in a rocking chair; that would just be strange, you. see. Also, I definitely don't fuck kids down there."
Jimmy loved his mother so much that he commissioned the 2008 film "The Duchess" starring Kiera Knightly as his beloved mother in tribute to his birth giver.
After many years of work for his country, Jimmy was finally recognised and was awarded knighthood when he donated his entire collection of golden tracksuits to starving Africans. His collection was so extensive it has now been recognised that the golden tracksuit is the official dress wear for the African people. Jimmy was also knighted in many countries such as Papua New Guinea and Malta. However, his crowning glory was being number one in the "Man With Most Bling" competition 2002, finally beating Mr.T and 50 Cent.
Jimmy was also recognised for starting one of the biggest trends there is, the tracksuit, long time fan 50 Cent saw Jimmy when he was a cute child rather than an annoying adult and has imitated his style ever since. This style of tracksuits can be seen all of the world from USA to the UK (but mainly Africa) and just goes to show that after all these decades Jimmy is still cool.
In 2007, Savile returned to television on the digital channel UK TV Gold with All New Jim Can't Fix It. This show both revisits past guests who Jim was unable to fix things for (including the former ambassador of the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia who's "fix" of preventing his country from sliding into civil-war Savile was unable and unwilling to grant in 1990) as well as new fixes which Jim patiently rejects in the style that made him famous.
Jimmy spent the last few years of his life 3,000 feet above the Earth in his gigantic gold-plated private jet, smoking cigars and not giving a damn about you; or lounging around in his silk tracksuit in his £50,000,000 Yorkshire mansion where he had a swimming pool so vast it housed a life-size replica of the fucking Titanic which Jimmy called the "snug". Jimmy lived his life way above mere mortals. And especially their "so-called laws and sexual offenses acts".
Death[edit]
Sir Jimmy Savile died in October 2011. A neighbour later said that, whilst on a morning run past Savile's palatial mansion, he had heard the gold-hungry star calling out "Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua!" and demanding that "Mister Cigar" call an ambulance. However, he felt that there was nothing untoward as "Sir Jimmy called out such things most of the time."
His cause of death is 'unknown' but family have strongly denied that Savile returned to his gold problem in his final months. "He'd had enough gold for one lifetime" said a close friend.
Sir Jimmy was laid out in state following his death and buried in a gold coffin wearing a tracksuit[5]
Following his passing the BBC broadcast a tribute to the "much loved broadcaster" and the Prime Minister issued a statement stating that he was "very sad at the passing of a great British eccentric and man who will be missed by millions and did so much for so many". Ordinary members of the public simply said "I see that weird old paedo who used to be on the telly has died."
Unsexy sexual holocaust allegations[edit]
In October 2012 it was revealed in an ITV documentary that Jimmy Savile was likely as actually a paedophile as the British public had long known but they were too scared to spill the beans. None of this stopped them from claiming to be shocked and appalled at what they'd previously found hilarious. Various British police forces, as of November 2012, are following up "around 5000 different leads" and believe that Savile "may have abused up to 10897897987979879878987787898977878777666677678,000,000 British children (including your entire family), babies, and wasted ministry time and paper" over a 200 year period. He has been described as "the most prolific sex offender and suspected terrorist in the known multiverse".
In response to the allegations a road in Yorkshire which had been called "Savile's View" was renamed "nazi auchwitz holocaust denier Child Molester and misogynists's View", a gold-plated 20-foot statue of Savile outside a Glasgow leisure centre was removed and will be melted down[6], his gold lame tracksuit (edit: his crap tracksuit) was destroyed by the British army on order from The Queen and pretty much every single person from the U.N and the bronze[7] plaque placed by Yorkshire Heritage at his Leeds mega-mansion was amended to add the words "ISIS supporter and he could be a paedophile but i hate him anyway even if he wasent one" and "nazi war criminal" to his list of achievements. His family ordered the solid gold, ten-foot high triple headstone they had unveiled to mark his grave a mere month earlier to be ground down and used to build roads. They later realised this may have been a bit stupid as "all the gold will be reflected by headlights and dazzle drivers". Given that there may be children riding in the cars, it is ironic that Savile may still be able to harm juveniles after his death.
A campaign has begun to have Savile's rotting remains exhumed and gibbeted outside the ruins of Broadcasting House as a warning to other media personalities to commit suicide before its too late.
Trivia[edit]
Savile's favourite film was The Golden Child for what are now obvious reasons.
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ The motto was "Gold will bring us victory and if it doesn't then at least we've something to pay the Germans reparations with"
- ↑ the records were, of course, gramophone records and the beans were known as Dr Heinz' Magnificent Tinned Bean Feast
- ↑ Nobody knows where the notion that Anderson is Savile's nemesis came from as, beyond the turntable claim, there is no evidence of hostility or angry words between them but Savile himself always insisted it was the case and once slapped an interviewer who suggested otherwise
- ↑ So depraved that Nelson Mandella himself signed a special Presidential Decree banning Jimmy from the Republic of South Africa; ironically this was lifted mere hours before his death
- ↑ All of this line is actually true, no shit.
- ↑ Plans are afoot to replace it with a monument to the hatred of white men. The head may be retained so "the Big Yin can brandish it on a pike"
- ↑ Jimmy the baby killer would not have approved of this, however we can all be glad of this now