King Edward VII
|King of the United Kingdom, Emperor of India, Emperor of Canada, Lord High Bruce of Australia, Most Merciful Sultan of Yorkshire|
|King Edward VII, wishing the painter would hurry up so he can remove his corset and fuck off back to the pub|
|Reign||1901 - 1910|
|Successor||King George V|
“Handsome I cannot think him, with that painfully small and narrow head, those immense features and total want of chin. Obese he shall almost certainly be, with such an appetite for all and any of God's creatures, and such reluctance to take any form of exercise. To call him a halfwit would be generous, and his charisma is akin to that of a city rat. Apart from that's he alright.”
King Edward VII was the King of the United Kingdom after Queen Victoria (finally) died. Edward had been waiting ages to be King and was so excited when he was told 'mah-maar' had popped her royal clogs that he wet himself, explaining that "even my old chap weeps for our departed Queen". He is best remembered for his failure to secure peace in Europe and his fondness for cigars and drugs in general, especially psychadelics.
Like all such royal children, Edward was a spoiled little bastard as a child. He frequently demanded trousers made from the skins of 100 carefully-selected African lions and, aged seven, went into a two-week sulk when told that he was not permitted to replace all of his teeth with diamond dentures.Queen Victoria did, however, indulge the young Prince's taste for cigars and vermouth as well as the occasional 'nip' of heroin. These, along with a stern and humourless Victorian upbringing and plenty of being made to ride around on a horse saluting, all helped the Prince grow-up from the spoiled brat of his childhood years to an arrogant, braying tit of a man.
Prince of Wales
On becoming heir to the throne and therefore Prince of Wales Edward, after one too many bottles of strong moonshine whisky, decided that this meant he literally ruled Wales and so he set off from Buckingham Palace late one night in the winter of 1878 with a gaggle of confused soldiers who he insisted on feeding cocaine to and made his way to Cardiff. On arriving in the city he and his troops started knocking on the doors of every public bar they could find demanding that the landlord hand over all of his booze. After a whole night of Edward's 'reign of drunken terror' that had culminating in the Prince vomiting copiously over the Mayor who had been sent to pacify him, the Queen sent a 100-strong batallion to the Welsh capital to bring her wayward son home. She sternly explained to him that these were not the days of Henry VIII and he had a duty to his country was not permitted to behave in such a way, or at least not until he was King.
Prince of Whores
Edward liked women a lot. He had a royal mistress ready 24/7, stuffed in cities all over the British Empire and expected them to read as widely as possible so he could enjoy as many unusual and, frequently, unhygenic sexual positions with them as possible; if they could sing and dance like Lily Langtry all the better. Despite enjoying "sinking little Eddy into a lady's precious well" the Prince was actually more interested in having his huge tummy tickled. This meant that though he had big sexual appetite, 'Dirty Bertie' really preferred shooting lots of birds and stuffing his face full of food. But this apparent disinterest didn't stop a stream of willing women coming up to the prince's bedchamber to play with his cigar.
On becoming King, Edward summoned the Privy Council and ordered them to fetch him the contents of the late Queen's 'medicine cabinet'. He was very disappointed to find that Victoria's various bottles, boxes and phials were all empty and that all that remained was a note saying "Dear Eddy, caned the lot". This made the new King very angry and he summoned his Prime Minister, Arthur Balfour, to ask him if Parliament might see it as being in the national interest to put-aside some money to buy him some more. The Prime Minister firmly explained to the King that he would have to pay for any drugs out of his own pocket and, no, he couldn't have any of Balfour's personal stash.
The King thought long and hard about how he should deal with this problem now that he was King of Britain and could feel the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. After literally minutes of deliberation he dealt with it by streaking nude and running through the halls of Buckingham Palace shouting "Give me drugs! Give me drugs!". Eventually, palace flunkies were dispatched to find the King the finest drugs and he was sated. Once he had got himself completely fucked on a delicious cocktail of heroin, cocaine and high-grade ganja, helped-along with the finest cigar a King could buy, he fell asleep and shat his pants.
As if his taste for chemicals wasn't bad enough, the King was a ferocious eater and once ate an entire giraffe at a state banquet which was particularly embarrassing for the British government as the giraffe was a gift from an African client-king and had been intended for London zoo rather that the royal belly. Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman, a Prime Minister no-one remembers any more, wrote in his memoirs that "At our weekly meeting over dinner the King, having consumed his own meal, would frequently also consume mine, greedily reaching across whilst still chewing his own late dinner and pouring the food into his mouth. He would usually follow this up by belching in a shameless and savage manner and then start to break wind, laughing and on one occasion grasping my head and trying to push it towards his buttocks demanding I comment on the odour. Needless to say, I arranged for a tailor's dummy to replace me at those meetings and the King didn't seem to notice; this may have been because, as usual, chef had put magic mushrooms in his pâté."
The King's appetites turned him into a pretty fat bastard which he tried to aleviate with regular enemas of Turkish coffee and whisky. The king credited these enemas with both regulating his weight and "preparing [him] for a day of kingly duties."
Rumblings in Europe
For about 100 years, Britain had enjoyed "Splendid Isolation" from continental Europe thanks to the English Channel. However, in the modern, globalised world of the 20th century this policy was no longer realistic. Despite being a big, fat junkie Edward decided that he was well-placed to pacify the increasingly aggressive German and Austrohungarian Empires. Unsurprisingly, the King's attempts at diplomacy were a disaster. Attending the court of the German Kaiser he boasted of Britain's "arse-kicking" Navy and when the Kaiser commented that he didn't believe that British ships were superior, the King withdrew some blueprints from his pocket and threw them at the German ruler saying "Well look at those, you sausage-gargling prick! I think you'll find that's a better battleship than anyone else has!". When the King later inquired as to how Germany had managed to build a fleet that threatened British naval superiority his Prime Minister started to weep and the King shrugged and went back to smoking a cigar he'd stuffed with Mandrax.
His attempts to placate the Austrohungarians were little better. During a state visit to Vienna in 1908, it was recommended that he "gently break the ice" with his host, the moustachioed and rather humourless old emperor Franz-Josef I. Initally, Edward made rather stiff conversation with the elderly kaiser who insisted on talking about the species of flower that could be found in Austria and his favourite types of cheesecake. The British king soon became bored of this conversation and, leaning towards the emperor, whispered to him "I say, old chap, I know you're as bored with this diplomacy as I am. How about we crack-out a good bottle of absynth and head off somewhere private for a good fuck session?". The emperor staggered backwards in horror leading the king to announce loudly in front of the Austrian court "Oh, your majesty! I didn't mean with each other! I was going to suggest we bring some prostitutes from your palace brothel! This palace does have a brothel doesn't it?"
Until 1918, the Austrian constitution had an ammendment banning Edward VII or any of his descendants from setting foot in the Austrian empire.
His diplomacy wasn't all bad, though. The French took to the king immediately and he was crucial in helping forge the Anglo-French alliance which has held
firmly well a bit since then. The French President, M. Armand Fallières, called King Edward "A frenchman at heart: an overeating, oversexed junkie who likes to avoid war. We love him deeply.".
The King died in 1910 after trying to drink fourteen bottles of brandy in five minutes whilst smoking a cigar through his arse. His last words were claimed to have been "I love brandy, me". He was buried in Westminster Abbey in 'Caner's Corner' alongside Shakespeare. He was succeeded as monarch by George V who, much to the relief of Parliament, was a teetotaller and former winner of 'Mr Straightlaced UK 1907', a man who "was so innocent in these matters he didn't even know what drugs were and would probably have been horrified to learn he had a penis". Despite the fact that the House of Windsor prefers not to discuss the lifestyle of their ancestor, Prince Harry has shown early signs of continuing the great family tradition.
- Historians have speculated that the King's appetite was linked to his drug-intake. People are paid to work this sort of thing out.
- Although belief in it continues: see UKIP
- It remains a mystery why the King was carrying blueprints on his person. Cambridge historians have speculated that the King took a keen interest in naval architecture, but Hull historians have argued that Edward probably originally mistook them for plans for a massive bong.