Lady Gaga Syndrome
“I'm liking this Prince chick, she really reminds me of Lady Gaga”
“Who put this Gaga wannabe on my motherfuckin' Zune?”
“How do you wake up Lady Gaga?!”
Lady Gaga Syndrome (LGS) is a newly identified mental disorder that is prominent among bi-curious, drug addled teenagers, with a penchant for MTV and generic synth-pop. The condition exclusively afflicts fans of androgynous pop anomaly Lady Gaga, hence the syndrome is named after her. The most consistent symptom associated with the disorder is an insuppressible need/desire to compare musicians of past, present and future with Lady Gaga. Many researchers have proposed that the condition is merely a sub-form of musical ignoramusism, if so this condition represents a new frontier as many sufferers demonstrate a complete lack of awareness of the existence of music prior to Lady Gaga's rise to fame.
Symptoms[edit]
As mentioned previously the most typical symptom associated with Lady Gaga Syndrome involves comparing other musical performers with Lady Gaga. Sufferers most commonly satisfy this compulsion online, often in the comment section of Youtube videos. This may involve ridiculing cooty merchant Grace Jones for having raided Gaga's closet or alternatively accusing sonic-whore Christina Aguilera of co-opting Gaga's style and musical content. The extent of the violence with which these comparisons are made is believed to be a good indication as to how serious and advanced the condition is.
However, observable physical and behavioral symptoms have been noted that show high levels of correlation with this main symptom. These include abnormal pupil dilation, under-developed frontal lobes, hearing dysfunction, non-gender specific genitalia and high usage of methamphetamines. Nevertheless, high correlation rates for these symptoms may be nothing more than coincidental, and do not imply a cause-and-effect relationship.
Like most pop-culture based psychological disorders Lady Gaga Syndrome has yet to be recognised in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) or the International Classification of Diseases (ICD), a fact that may in time prove costly to the treatment of this condition.
Treatment[edit]
As is often the case with newly proposed psychological conditions, LGS has no verified cure. Many researchers have suggested decapitation (as seen in Carmen Miranda Syndrome). However the effectiveness of this form of treatment has been declared questionable at best, with the treatment often leading to death or at least severely impaired intellectual capacity. At present sufferers seeking treatment are usually administered high levels of laxatives. The banning of albums with the word 'Fame' in the title has also proved somewhat effect. However, this treatment starts to prove ineffective as LGS is now resistant to the treatment. A recent research shows that the phrase 'Born This Way' is suspected of starting a new wave of LGS pandemic around the globe.
Recent research has underlined the potential benefits of a diet of less stupefying music. However, therapeutic results have not been promising, with the vast majority of patients immediately entering prophylactic shock.
Madonna-Gaga Conflicts[edit]
LGS really rose to prominence in the media as a result of a number of gang-style brawls that broke out in a myriad of metropolitan areas toward the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010. These hand-to-hand-combat slugfests have been accredited to disputes arising between fans of Lady Gaga, presumably also sufferers of LGS, and devotees of horse-faced musical iconoclast Madonna. Assertions that Madonna preceded Lady Gaga, and may indeed have been an influence for many of the latter's exploits, seem to have been at the center of the violence that ensued. Some reports even suggested that these outbreaks were mostly between members of the gay community, and were perhaps fuelled by inter-generational differences of opinion.
It has been forecasted that such conflicts will be a recurrent problem if LGS continues to go untreated. Nonetheless, a collective effort to confront this problem has not come about within the medical community, at least at the time this article was written.
Lady Gaga on LGS[edit]
Lady Gaga has been outspoken in her support of her fans rights to maniacally herald her as the second coming. Coining the term "Little Monsters" in reference to sufferers of LGS, Lady Gaga has shown an increasing unwillingness to recognise the cultish behavior of so-called uber fans. This blatant disregard for the gravity of the situation reached new levels in March of 2010, with the announcement of plans to build a center for Lady Gaga appreciation in New York City. The Venerable Academy for Gagaistic Indoctrination, Nourishment and Appreciation, or VAGINA for short, is due to open in 2012, and will offer a Gaga-based curriculum to children as young as 4 years of age. Similar projects are being touted in a number of other countries, including the UK and Australia.
In response to such developments the French Prime Minister has recommended the addition of "Gagaism" to the Mission interministérielle de vigilance et de lutte contre les dérives sectaires (in English the "Interministerial Mission for Monitoring and Combatting Cultic Deviances") in hopes of preventing similar facilities sprouting up on French soil.