Left-handed noseflute

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
A stereotypical jewlander playing the national harmonics on the left-handed noseflute. Very hard instrument to master and it sounds crap anyway. Obviously this man has no life.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Left-handed noseflute.

“Arse-tusk you say! Mmmmn arse-tusk...”

The Left-handed nose flute is a popular musical instrument played in Australia and the British Commonwealth countries. Other versions are found in Canada, New Zealand and South Africa.


“Welcome to Australia, where every man is free to play to play Left-Handed Nose flutes...but never right-handed ”

Left-handed Noseflutes were created in Jewland. They are made of Arse-tusk from the rare Kangajew which is native in Russia but now extinct in Germany. The rare dragon-reptile Kangajew is melted down into a bar of quality arse-tusk which is then hollowed out by Japanese ninjas before adding a $499.99 (eBay average price) double-reed at the end of the flute. They were also used as weapons by the Jamaicans during World War II. Jamaicans are still very behind.

Kangajew in its natural habitat.

Every song that the left-handed noseflute is used in, is played in the mode called Dorian( (door-i-on, very epic). You don't play in Dorian, dorian plays you!

Jewland eventually took the left-handed noseflute as their national instrument. Black Jesus was known to advocate this, which was enough to make it happen. However, Jewland disowned the left-handed noseflute upon the release of Halo. This, as Black Jesus would agree to, is an awesome game, and is a better sport than left-handed nosefluting will ever be. Then Halo was disowned and Beyblading was taken in as the national sport because Black Jesus was away in a conference with the other Jesuses and George Bush thought that it was a type of food. Which is why he voted yes. Stupid fat American asses. The left-handed noseflute, having been created by Black Jesus, rose up with Tetris and old school belt buckles and staged a comeback. That comeback led to this page being created (and eventually deleted by the admins). This is actually Page V2. Anyway, Tetris wasn't very well accepted, and neither were old-school belt buckles, so the left-handed nose flute carries on. With Or Without You. U2 is a better band than My Chemical Romance will ever be, because THEY ARE EMO BICHES. People reverted to playing some random game called Cubefield, and the belt buckles with skulls, gems, daggers and drugs carved on them are now the craze.

Who Plays It?[edit]

“I DO!!! Pick ME!! ”

John Howard finally getting his degree as a professional left-handed noseflautist. He has done up to music grade 769897679.

John Howard recently succeeded in finishing his 4 year nosefluting course at his own personal university, excelling in every major skill that comes with possessing a left-handed noseflute. As stated at the top,he will provide all students with a noseflute of their own, specially crafted from high-quality arse-tusk. You must be a ninja, super-ninja, kangajew, Jewlander, Pokemon Master, Batman, cheesemaker, CEO of Aeroplane Jelly co. or a mentally disturbed bearded man to have any chance at becoming one of those musicians who everyone thinks 'Woah, he can play Star Wars on his *generic instrument*, he must be uber-awesome n00b pwnage!' but really doesn't know much more than how to play above stated, several random movie themes and Pachelbel's Canon.

You need multiple lifetimes or a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' ticket to have any chance at learning how to play it. It requires several years of painstaking listening to Backstreet Boys crap in order to understand how painful it is to play. You try sticking a flute up your nose. Jerk.

Once you start learning, you can't stop. Literally. The first song you learn to play is that stupid song off the iPod ad done by that crap band popularised then hated because of the iPod ad. Yeah, that song. The one that you had in your head for 4 months then got it out of your head by screaming self-insulting comments in public. You're scarred forever. Hah. Once you've learned that, you will be able to play in public. You still won't be as good as that levitating guy outside the White House, because levitating is fully sick and awesome (leviatie is not counted, only puntzes think that's levitating. I can do leviatie, by the way. But I'm not a puntz.). I wish I could levitate like that magician guy.

Now you must prove you are Asian and play both Maplestory and Pokemon, the two lolicons of Asialand. Play in public until you have earned 300G, so you can buy a Composite Bow. Now hunt Green Morkids at level 15-20. Catch a Caterpie and raise it to level 10 to evolve it to Butterflee, and defeat the first gym by using it and 5 level 2 Pidgeys as scapegoats while you heal.

The Range Of The Left-handed Noseflute is from a C to a Db. Also available in Tab.

Because everyone knows Charmander is awesome, but can't beat the first gym because ITS A FIRE TYPE. Now complete 'The Dividing Wall' for your level 35 armour. By now you will be wondering why the hell you're doing all this. Well, you've done it all. Too late now to stop it. You are now a master nose-flutist.


It has been used in pieces by Black Jesus when it was first invented but is now used in Fallout Boy's latest songs. 'Thanks for your Mom' has a huge left-handed noseflute solo in the middle. He also used the instrument as a contreceptive when does 'Thankyou 4 Ure Mom', continually their trend of absurdly horrible 'hip' names.

Traits of a Master Nose-flutist[edit]

Marcus Miller playing bass and the Left-handed noseflute.

Usually a faggot, the basic term or description is a pokemon. Other terms include the following:

  • Knows Aeroplane Jelly owns the crap out of Cottees junk shit jelly.
  • Enjoys croquet. Yes, croquet.
  • Is a lumberjack, pirate, ninja and dignified male whore, all at the same time.
  • Has fluorescent business cards for all the above.
  • Watches the Chaser's War On Everything and laughes at every skit.
  • Hates Final Fantasy in every way, shape and form.
  • Has Chuck Norris's personal laser disc collection memorised.
  • Hates that guy called Aaron Tay who is apparently emo. <- Joke you will never get
  • Can juggle 3 balls. Don't worry, you're getting there.
  • Is an orthodox Jew.
Band Class
Instruments Air Drum - Air guitar - Bagpipes - Band geeks - Bass - Bass guitar - Bassoon - Cello - Clarinet - Cowbell - Drummer - Euphonium - Fiddle -Flute - French horn - Grand Piano - Guitar - Harp - Harpsichord - Kazoo - Left-handed noseflute - Lyre - Marching band - Oboe - Ocarina - Piano - Saxophone - Dog Fart Trombone - Trumpet - Tuba - Violin - Xylophone
Why? Play guitar? - Play Bass?
HowTo Learn Guitar - Play the Skin Flute - Stop Playing the Accordian - Make a Band