Liver
“The liver is evil; we must punish it with holy liquids such as beer and gin.”
The liver is an organ that most people have, but doesn't fulfill any special need of the body. In fact, the liver does nothing. His name comes from the fact that it lives on other organs' resources, taking valuable blood supply from the appendix, the nails, and the bunions.
The liver is an evil organ. When the liver fails, it usually says "I'm not dying without taking some bastards with me," causing the death of other, actually important organs in the process. Some lucky people can get a liver transplant, a process that allows to trade in their liver for a less pissed-off one. However, this process usually causes the death of the donor, and it hurts. This has opened a serious debate about using live, non-consenting human donors for any kind of transplant.
The average human has two livers, but some people are born with only one; selfish bastards.
A notable victim of a pissed off-liver (resulting in a desire to kill everything that moves) is the late Walt Disney, who was forced to undergo a liver transplant when it was discovered he was writing a script for a second Bambi movie, ending with a gory collision - between Bambi and a semi-trailer - which lasted for just over 3/4 of a mile.
In summary, the liver must be punished with alcohol.
Liver Parasites[edit]
If you go the bathroom without washing your hands, or if you wash your hands without going to the bathroom, your liver will get parasites. Remedies for common liver parasites are:
- Tapeworm: take a roll of tape and cut it with scissors. These little bastards will be afraid and will come out all rolled up.
- Liver Flukes: teach them a sense of shame.
- Exchange Students: drink molten lava.
- Bacteria: reason with them.
- Hamsters: remove liver with penknife, wash thoroughly, replace.
Things to Help your Liver[edit]
Fried cheese is good for your liver. Due to the amount of oil in fried cheese, it neutralizes the alcohol in it. A super-scientific study has also shown that living in Canada for three years without shoes on, the liver fungus may grow which gives you candy. Regardless of how bored you get, you should not cut out your liver with a nail clipper and eat it. An exception may be made if you are attending a lecture class at Harvard or are Japanese.
Liver as food[edit]
Liver may be eaten by old people or crazy people. When cooked, it smells like diarrhea, one of the few things old people can taste. Insane people like to eat it because they're unable to tell the difference between the smell of diarrhea and something that people actually like to eat.