“Thanks doc, you took a load off my mind!”
A lobotomy is a surgical operation done to the brain to correct just about everything. The procedure was first performed in 1935 by Angus MacGyver. Lobotomies have been used to cure mental depression, schizophrenia, headaches, homicidal mania, Communism, writers block, criminal urges and politicians. Lobotomies are often credited with enabling the worry-free years of the 1950’s.
For thousands of years people have experimented with the brain, trying (in vain) to stop it from producing mucus and other nostril products. During some of these helpless attempts to cure congestion many of the patients were found to have lost interest about their sinuses (or anything else for that matter). During the late 1800’s doctors perfected this form of “worry removal” by sawing ones skull open and taking out miscellaneous chunks of matter from the brain, the procedure was quite messy and many doctors where squeamish from all the blood and mucus. In the early 1950’s Dr. Walter Lobotomizer perfected a new approach to lobotomies involving a ice pick, a hammer and your eye sockets, this approach revolutionised the speed of lobotomies, sometimes patients would get two in just one day. The first recipient of the "ice pick" lobotomy was one Leon Trotsky. Dr. Lobotomizer show cased his new procedure with publicity stunts such as performing four lobotomies at once (2 with each hand and 2 with each foot). Dr. Lobotomizer sought to give everyone lobotomies to better the world.
Types of Lobotomies
Depending on if the ice pick is shoved in the patients eyes, nose or ears different results are achived.
- Worriless: Recipients are left without a single worry, and simply sits there grinning wide eye in joy as they stare into the blankness of the nearest wall, often beating cats and staring at a miscellaneous objects competition. Often these people will see the finer beauty of things such as how lovely the house looks when it’s on fire.
- Childlike: Removing the dreaded adult sections of the brain finally allows recipients to return to their inner child. Prancing around while trying to make a cat and dog fit into wedding costumes, these people are often cited by children as annoying and lacking seriousness. Many recipients will have the sudden urge to write poems on the wall with their own waste.
- Zombie: When all else fails to correct a person's horrible personality, it becomes simple to just remove it. Recipients often talk in a mindless monotone and long winded lectures. Occasionally drooling, walking with a gate, running for president, and seeking the missing part of their minds by violently attacking other people and eating their brains. This form of lobotomy was used in Russia for over 2,000,000 years.
- Liberal: This is the second most extreme form of lobotomies that modern science has developed today. Its so extreme that you will begin to understand the hippy movement and find that even rapists deserve a second chance. You will begin to wear clothes only made from organic cotton and or from local farmer's markets. You will also tend to bathe less and less with each passing month. You will also begin to question logic itself and want to develop an Orwellian future.
- Jersey Shore: This is the most extreme type of lobotomy and has an extreme affect on a person's ability to control their thoughts, words and actions. This procedure removes the self-control center of the brain and leaves a patient as a raging mass of anger without the ability to make a single rational decision or logical thought or speak their native language correctly.
In 1957 Dr Hubert Von Wurstingnangnanger performed the first rectal lobotomy, on British Consul to the Vatican, the Rt. Hon. Ken Dodd. The procedures aim was to reduce or eliminate the patient’s tendency to “talk out of his arse”. But while initially successful, the results of the operation where found to be reversed upon the intake of alcohol.
Dr Wurstingnangnanger, after being beset by the failure of the rectal lobotomy, went on to develop the halluxial (big toe) Lobotomy. This was done to limit the populace who “have more brain cells in my big toe than you have in your head”.
Downfall of Lobotomies
9 out of 10 scientologists agree that Lobotomies lost favor after evil psychiatrists created drugs that did some of the same things Lobotomies did but sadly did not have the same permanent effect. Once big oil backed the drug companies, Lobotomies were simply out-marketed. Dr. Lobotomizer was financial ruined after producing a variety of lobotomy figurines, toys and franchise goods that no one wanted to buy, and he entered a deep depression that ended only when he lobotomized himself and then nothing really bothered him anymore.