Monster Raving Loony Party
The Monster Raving Loony Party is a British political party. It is notable for being the most popular party in the United Kingdom with famous members, such as Tim Curry, Tim Henman and Tim Westwood. The party claims a hidden membership of millions and receives indirect funding from The Queen and a key to a secret passage to Buckingham Palace where she can meet them in private. It is there where all important decisions are made about Britain's attitude to the European Union, the Commonwealth and the sacred rules of Cricket. This leaves the smaller, cover Parties to worry about little issues and to get into trouble with the press.
In 1963, David Sutch, head of Screaming Lord Sutch & The Savages made his debut in UK Politics. He quickly rose to the top of the Conservative Party, and was quickly offered the job of Prime Minister. However, The Queen noticed his political genius and commanded him to turn down the job and take up a covert position of real power. He accepted and went to America where he learned about how to be an ultimate source of power from the Illuminati.
Sutch returned in 1983, and was immediately put into service by the Queen. His first action was to see that Maggie Thatcher was reelected as she made an excellent media smokescreen. He quietly continued to limit Soviet air power over Korea. Satisfied that he had succeeded, he took a well-deserved recess on the 1st of September, upon which absolutely nothing happened. In 1987, the Queen decided to make his presence in Politics less obvious by creating a Party for him to represent. Thus, the Monster Raving Loony Party was born.
The Monster Raving Loony party quickly became immensely popular with the masses. Its manifesto struck a chord with the masses and, in the next Local Election, they won by a landslide vote and Alan Hope ( a young professional ) became the Mayor of Ashburton. He then proceeded to turn the town into a buzzing cosmopolitan city that is known to be the Las Vegas of England. Unfortunately, in 1999, the Soviets found out about David Sutch's involvement in the 100% decrease in passenger airlines being shot down, and hired a mercenary bus to take him down.
The loss of Sutch saw Hope persuade his pet moggie Cat Mandu to stand for the party leadership. In a fierce contest with other official Loonies Nigel Farage and Robert Kilroy-Silk, Cat Mandu won. Farage and Kilroy-Silk subsequently joined the United Kittens Itsy-Bitsy Party (UKIP)), taking a substantial number of supporters. Cat Mandu slept off the dispute until he was mysteriously run over by a car in 2002. He remains the official leader of the party, in much the same way the North Koreans have retained Kim il-Sung as their Eternal President. Hope is the 'Acting-in-Fancy-Dress' leader until such time either Sutch or Cat Mandu come back to life and move the party further forward towards government.
Here is a list of the Monster Raving Loony party's policies in its manifesto, all of which are currently being enforced by the Constabulary of the UK. Like Moses, the party has kept it to ten commandments to help their supporters and candidates to memorise them when asked difficult questions on television.
1.) Put all people committed of un-social behaviour in to Stocks, this will create a demand for stocks, which should help to increase the stock market.
2.) Superglue unruly teenagers together.As the saying goes if you cant beat them you may as well join em.
3.) The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonald's to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures.
4.) It is proposed that The European Union end its discrimination by creating a "Court of Human Lefts" because their present policy is one sided.
5.) All politicians should paint them self's permantly head to toe in the colour of the party they represent - e.g. all Labour candidates in Red, all Conservatives in Blue, etc,etc
6.) At 12 0' clock pm every day we will have a one hour silence dedicated to our time that has been lost due to work, home and labour
8.) Ban tractors from driving on roads, they can drive across their fields.
9.) Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil.
10.) Anyone allowing their Hyena to poop on the pavement should shovel it away immediately, As this is no laughing matter
Outstanding Electoral Results
David Sutch's impressive tally of 500 votes at the West Piddlington by-election in 1990 remains a high point for the party. Other candidates who ran as Official Monster Raving Loonies won Trumpton Council in 1995. In 1997 the Loonies were outflanked when the Liberal Democrats adopted many of their policies and ran in third in the British General Election of that year. Sutch's death in 1999 saw a big dipper in the party's electoral fortunes. In the British General Election of 2010, David Cameron offered an electoral pact with the Loonies, promising to implement many of their cherished electoral goals (House of Pain reform, a well known spanking hostelry for the political class) and a national Cross Dressing Day to encourage Loonism all around. Wisely the Monster Raving Loony party rejected that offer and Cameron had to team up with the Liberal Democrats instead.
Other parties now got in the act of appearing loony but acting like power mad fanatics. A longtime rival to the Loonies was Nigel Farage and his UKIP party. They were able to get the attention of 'crazy outsiders' with their leaders making strange comments about taxi drivers requiring uniforms and stopping all immigration. Other freaks like Lord Buckethead made a pitch for the loony vote. In the end the Monster Raving Loony party was 'trumped' when the Conservatives elected their own clown-prince Boris Johnson as leader and British Prime Minister. The Monster Raving Loony party managed to get nearly 10,000 votes in the British General Election of 2019, though that vote was shared 24 ways with their candidates. Shortly following the election, Prime Minister Boris Johnson promised to fill his own government with 'real, genuine loonies'. He was good to his word.