Mustafa Kemal Ataturk

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Kemal Ataturk: Vodka and Horlicks.

Mustafa Kemal Atatürk (c. 1881 - 10 November 1938) was one of a long line of God-like Turkish leaders that included Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun. Atatürk means Father of Turks and it is the ultimate Turkish attaboy. He pwned the Greeks, Armenians, and Hewals in the Turkish War of Independence. He also annihilated the British army during the Gallipoli conflict in World War One.

Atatürk was born as Mustafa Kemal Pasha (not yet the Father of Turks) in 1881 in Salonica, a fine Turkish city located a short distance beyond Greek Customs, due to the incompetence of the Ottoman Sultanate. He was a Turkic Yörük (a nomad), which means he is 700% more Turk than all the other Turkish kings.

Atatürk was a wizard military tactician (surpassing even Rommel), a great reformer, and a splendid politician-statesman. Most Turks worship him as a god, whether one's sect is Ataturkculuk or Kemalism (for the more elite). Turks who are agnostic or atheist about Atatürk still observe the following mathematics:

Atatürk > Il Duce > Hitler

Military prowess[edit]

Genetically, Atatürk was a typical resident of the region, with a double copy of the genes for military conquest, killing adversaries, and looting their corpses. In his first action, in the Italo-Turkish war in Libya, he stopped the Italian advance and decimated several Italian divisions. The main military consequence of this victory was to get the Ottoman Sultanate to station him far, far away with a tiny division of patriots.

However, even this puny force defeated the entire British Navy at Gallipoli. In retrospect, Winston Churchill said, "That was a defeat we shan't forget. But now, I'll have another large slab of beef, if I might."

Atatürk oversaw the Turkish Independence War from 1919 to 1922. This proved a valuable second chance to decimate the Brits. In addition, he turfed out the Ottomans, confiscating their harem and selling off all their magic carpets.

Reform and demise[edit]

Atatürk's modern new Turkish Republic was a one-party state, with himself as supreme leader. He chose Ankara as the capital and made the Turkish military the ultimate arbiter of corruption, which was an excellent check against corruption occurring outside the Turkish military.

Atatürk also introduced the Latin script to write the Turkish language, except adding an extreme obsession with putting dots above many of the letters. It was a perfect adaptation of language to writing on sheets of paper riddled with bullet holes. Atatürk saw Turkish as a proud new nationality, as "Ottoman" was increasingly thought of as a mere piece of living-room furniture. Atatürk's massive state education program was a great success, if measured in terms of a Turk's tendency to kill anyone calling him an Arab.

In 1938, Atatürk undertook detailed planning to defend Turkey from its perennial enemies. Unfortunately, no one undertook to defend Atatürk's liver from chronic alcohol overuse.