My Girl's Best Friend
So tonight things are going to be a little different. Instead of the old "hang at her house and watch a movie", I am going to hang out with her and her best friend. No big deal right? Maybe not so private but it is something that will benefit me in the future right? Hopefully? Maybe my girlfriend is just proud of me and wants to show me off? Well, unless her friend understands the significance of a level 80 orc warrior on World of Warcraft, or the achievement of having every Maxim magazine in mint-condition since 1998, there really is nothing to show. I do have a pretty funny joke though, maybe she will like it. Here I will tell you it first.
So there was a man, and he hired a hooker for only 5 bucks. The next day he calls up the hooker and says, "Hey why didn't you tell me you had crabs? I have them now?" And the hooker replies, "It was only five dollars, what'd you expect, lobster?"
Is that good? That might make things a little easier. I will give it a shot. Well, I am pulling up the driveway now, here goes nothing...wow, all the lights in her house are on. It is no big deal I guess. A few lights can't hurt.
Open the Door
There she is, as beautiful as ever...well, you know, the best I could do. You know? Like, she is good for me, but I guess I would be a little disappointed if I was the captain of the football team. But ya...just a nice hug, and a peck on the cheek. There we go. Now to see where the good ol' friend is. Oh, I didn't know she had a new pet whale!...Wait a minute...no way.
JEESUS CHRIST! Look at that! How can she even stand up? I mean come on! That has to be at LEAST 300 pounds...at a very minimum. Throw her up in the sky and you got a second moon. She has so many double chins that they all just form into a giant blob. Gross, her chin alone could feed a small family!..Shit, I have been staring at her for a few good seconds.
"Um, hi," I barely stammer out.
The fat girl plays with her little curls and raises her glasses, "Oh better watch out for him, he looks like he is coming on to me." Oh dear God no, she is posing around. I tried as hard as I could to not say "no" or throw up, but I had to do one or the other.
"NEVER!" I screamed out. Wow, that was awkward. Dang it, they are all quiet..."Sooo..." I say.
All of a sudden they burst into laughter. This is all really confusing. I can wait it out though...
"Let's go upstairs!" my girlfriend says.
In Her Room
So they are spanking each other and giggling as they run up the stairs. I boringly just walk up behind them. They call each other "skank" and "whore" and giggle some more. Oh wow, I didn't know I could be poetic. Hmm...Well, here I am, nothing special. They are just talking about nail polish or something and I am just...you know...standing there. Why am I even here?
My girlfriend, her name is Matty, says, "Okay, I gotta go get us some popcorn, but you two be good." She winks.
The fat girl says, "OHHH haha! No promises!"
"I promise!" I quickly shout out. I get a weird look from both of them. Matty walks out.
So its just me and her best friend in a room. It is quiet for a bit. Jesus, why does Matty associate herself with this abomination. I mean, she can't be good for a solid reputation. And she probably borrows a lot of Matty's lunch money. It must cost like, twenty or thirty dollars to feed this thing every meal. Maybe it is for comparison? You know how girl's are...always using each other. Maybe by having a really fat and ugly girl as a best friend by comparison people think Matty looks better. That doesn't sound like her though...
"Stacy..." the girl says.
"What?" I reply.
"My name is Stacy," the girl replies.
"Oh, is it now?" I said, not making eye contact. I couldn't risk saying something mean. I started to move my hands around and twiddle my thumbs.
"Are you gonna tell me yours," Stacy said after a while.
"Oh...um...nahhh..." I said. I can't let my name go out! If anyone found out we were alone in a room together I would be done for!
"Hey Steve," Matty said, bringing the popcorn in. Damn it, now she knows. Oh well, there are worse things. I could...get eaten by like...a bear or something. No...this is worse. Hmm...
So we got all on the couch and got nice and cozy. Me and Matty snuggled on one side, and a few inches away, Stacy plopped right down. When she sat she put a strain on the couch, and we were almost sucked in. It was quite an awkward situation. I just dealt with it though.
Then Matty gave me a peck on the cheek. I gave her one back, two seconds before a loud and awkward "AHHHHHHHHHHHH" was exclaimed by Stacy. I looked up to see her staring right at us.
"Why don't you two get a room?" she continued.
"Can we?" I almost got out before being interrupted.
"STACY! You slut!" Matty shouted out. I don't really understand how saying two other people should get a room made Stacy a slut. But they started giggling so I just ignored it. I began to grow bored and just sat watching them wrestle. I really don't understand why though. They obviously aren't even trying, they are just floppin around in weird contortions. I think they think it is sexy to me...but it really isn't. What am I even doing here? I think the game is on at home. Crap, did I tivo it? Damn it! I didn't. Maybe I could just run home really quick. Matty wouldn't like that. One of my friends invited me to go to the park and have a few drinks. That sounded fun. Too bad I am here. That one girl at the bar I met was hot. I am glad I got her number. Maybe I should go out with her for a lit...
"Steve?" Matty said.
I jumped back, "What?"
"You're just staring," Matty explained.
Stacy posed again, "I told you Matty, he is coming on to me."
"Noooooo no no no no no no," I repeated.
I started to get really annoyed, I really lost feelings for Matty in these quick few minutes, and if I brought a weapon the hippo would be extinct. But I still kept my temper.
"I gotta go get us some drinks" Matty said. Please don't say be good..."Be good" Matty said, annoyingly before walking out.
"No promises!" Stacy said...again...It didn't get any funnier the second time fatass.
So there we were, again, just sitting in Matty's room, but Stacy quickly came up to me.
"We gotta talk," Stacy said.
"We do?" I replied. Oh crap, did I do something wrong? I kept all my bad thoughts in my head! I hope...maybe she saw my tattoo or something! Shit, um, well...oh wait, she saw my...
"Ya, well, you know, since I am her best friend and all, I gotta warn you about a few things," Stacy began. Oh SPARE ME! Not one of these best friend talks. Please God, for the love of God no! We all know what these are! I gotta prove myself so her and my girlfriend feel closer than me and my own girlfriend. I know how these are. They are ALL the SAME!
I thought about crying, screaming, leaving for a second, and then, strangely, slapping her massive ass. Crap, I hope no one heard that... Despite all my suffering, I let out a quiet, "Sure."
"So, she is my friend and all, I really think you better be really nice. Because, like, I got LOTS of friends, and ya. I do. And I really love Matty, more than you can ever know. So ya. If you ever hurt her, I will kick your ass," she said. Does she really think she can kick my ass? Man that'd be embarrassing. Better think of a battle tactic. I could like, you know, just push her over. Then she'd be like a turned-over turtle. Ya, that could work.
"Do you hear me?" she interrupted, "I am serious, I am pretty and all, but I can hurt."
Wow, fat, ugly, and conceited, where did Matty pick this little number up? Or not pick up, it is physically impossible to pick her up...so more like, tow her.
"I am sure you can," I replied calmly. We hadn't talked for a while. We were just staring at each other...just bored. Where was Matty? Oh wow, it is kinda awkward now. Maybe I should say something. Hmm...OH I GOT IT!
"OH! I have a joke. Okay okay, so there was a man, and he hired a hooker for only 5 bucks. The next day he calls up the hooker and says, 'Hey why didn't you tell me you had crabs? I have them now?' And the hooker replies, 'It was only five dollars, what'd you expect, lobster?'" I finished, waiting for a response.
She didn't laugh. She sat a while before standing up and slapping me across the face. "MATTY!" she screamed, "Help me!"
The Last Straw
"What?" I asked.
Matty came in, "What's wrong?"
"He is coming on to me! He said I had crabs, and I was a hooker and he paid me five dollars," Stacy said.
Oh come on, she can't be serious! "No, no!" I said, Matty ran out crying, I called out, "IT WAS JUST A JOKE!"
"WHAT THE HELL STACY!" I yelled. I ran after Matty but she wasn't anywhere to be found. I ran down stairs, then saw Matty upstairs, so I climbed back up. I went to her room but the door was locked.
"HAHA TRICKED YA!" Matty yelled.
...Oh wow. I give up, I hate them both now. "I AM LEAVING YOU!" I said loudly.
"What why?" Matty said, opening the door.
I took a deep breath, and then began an angry speech, "Matty! I don't even know you! I thought you were cool chill and calm! But now your just all over the place! You think it is cute to wrestle with your friends, but it isn't! It just makes me bored! I have done nothing! Your friend is just a major cock block. You guys think your little ganging up on me is funny. BUT IT ISN'T! AND you left ALL your lights on in the house! When I walked in it was like a giant firefly! Do you understand the economic crisis we are in! We don't need this! And the WORST is when you talk about you two seeing each other naked. What the heck? Why do I wanna know you have been naked with a hippo, YES I SAID IT hippo. Matty, WE...ARE...THROUGH!"
I slammed her door and started walking down the stairs to leave when I heard Matty say, "You were right Stacy, that totally worked!"