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Rimsky-Korsakov: Impressive Dumbledoresque beard.

"From his glasses to his beard, Rimsky-Korsakov says it all: I am Merlin." - Alexander Glazunov

"Of all the 2000 pupils I taught at the St. Petersburg Conservatory, I was the only one who was not taught by me." - Rimsky-Korsakov on his own lack of credentials

Nikolai Andreyevich Rimsky-Korsakov AKA "RK" AKA "Ricky" (18 March [O.S. 6 March] 1844 – 21 June [O.S. 8 June] 1908) was a Russian composer of the utmost degree. When he was not involved in composing, teaching, or otherwise being a musical genius, he was heavily involved in Sorcery. They say that there are hidden occult messages in his works, most particularly his operas The Snow Mer-Nymph and The Sad Ko-Op which are merely pagan fairytales of little to no moral value. He also was notorious for stealing Russian folk music and marking it off as his own. His fans are other witches and sorcerers, who occasionally call him up with seances so that his music can be performed as well as back in his day.

Early Life[edit]

Rimsky-Korsakov entered the Russian Navy at a young age and fell off the boat on the second day of being at sea due to having forgot his glasses. He was such a terrible seaman that they had to drop him off in Island of Sodor for a time because he said he was "seeing sounds" and "hearing lights." They figured that he had gone insane and after only 2 weeks he was dismissed from the Navy. It was clear that he would have a different career. Nevertheless, Rimsky-Korsakov remarked that it was the best 2 weeks of his life. "I'm going to write at least 2 works to remember just how good it was!"

Criminal Involvement[edit]

Death by lethal candyfloss.

Rimsky-Korsakov got together again with his old friend Mily Balakirev AKA the Boss AKA the Bully, who trained him in the Dark Arts of Cosmosition and Musicology. Together with Cui, Borodin, and Mussorgsky, they were the Mighty Handful, a notorious set of gangsters that used their intelligence and wit to outsmart physics as well as human ears. Some of their criminal activities included theft of peasant music, assassinations, alcoholism, mafia dealings, and utter nonsense. It was Balakirev who figured out that Rimsky-Korsakov had a particular gift, that of synesthesia, due to an abnormally high midichlorian count in his blood. Instead of writing "compositions," Rimsky-Korsakov aspired to make "light shows" which unfortunately were only for himself, because most mortals today only interpret his light shows as audible compositions.

In order for his light shows to be of utmost quality and also utmostly Russian, RK started going beyond Balakirev's paltry education and started teaching himself the Darkest of the Dark Arts. RK later wrote about it in his autobiography "My Luminous Life" that it inspired him to write his own book on the Dark Arts of Orchestration of the Spheres, which he subsequently used to teach future pupils including the unforgivable Igor Stravinsky, who followed in his Master's footsteps. Today, Rimsky-Korsakov is a level 124 Warlock on World of Warcraft, the highest level any Warlock has ever achieved.


Rimsky-Korsakov forced all his pupils, including Lyadov and Glazunov to only write in pleasantly colored keys. This included C, D flat, D, E flat, E, F, F sharp, G, G sharp, A, B flat and B all in majors and minors, for all were pleasant. However, atonality was something like the color of vomit, and so no one attempted atonality in the lifetime of RK. E major was for Ocean-colors, and C major for the color of pure light itself. B minor was the color of darkness, but Ricky, being quasi-dark himself, did not mind it in small quantities. Lyadov and Glazunov, however, had no interest in magic, and so their music has failed to enchant audiences today because of their ethical integrity not to cast spells on their audiences.

RK and Tchaikovsky[edit]

Ricky had trouble processing Tchaikovsky's greater fame than himself, even though Tchaikovsky had nothing to do with witchcraft and his midichlorian count was next to nothing. RK many times put musical and auditory curses on Tchaikovsky to stop his success, but they failed because of Tchaikovsky's aura of perfection and unbelief in magic. In the incident of 1893, RK apparently had a seizure from hearing Tchaikovsky's premiere of the B Minor Symphony of Utter Darkness, because Rimsky-Korsakov couldn't see anyone in the room for a whole hour and panicked at the thought he had gone blind. Because he could remember it so well for days after, he continued in this state of demonic possession until he found out Tchaikovsky himself died of the Tchaikovsky Syndrome of just too much B minor, and his demon finally was cast out. RK of course never told anyone until his dying day what happened.

Opera as Sorcery Propaganda[edit]

Bumble Bee flying in at 6.00 O'Clock! Rattatttarattt..

Rimsky-Korsakov always had a love for opera, and vowed to make his favorite myths not be myths but become reality. The Snow Mer-Nymph was among his first fairy-tales-turned-magical. It was such a good opera that the opera singers literally leaped off the stage and went running for the hills, convinced that they had become the real characters of the story. The Snow Mer-Nymph story is reenacted every Spring in Russia for this reason in the forests, though occasionally they are abducted for purposes of using them for actual singers in staged productions. This is why the Snow Mer-Nymph is rarely performed outside of Mother Russia. Because of the Mighty Handful's deep influence in crime and punishment RK was never arrested for his actions, except for the Golden Chicken incident where RK was forced to use jedi mind trick to convince authorities that the opera actually was not real but an illusion.

Because of Ricky's apparent operatic success in Russia and lack of success anywhere else, people say that his Sorcery Propaganda literally was "preaching to the choir." His failure to convince people that his operas were actual events and not myths is shown for the fact that he is only remembered for The Flight of the Bumble Bee from an opera whose name was literally too long for anyone to remember. Bees after all are found all over the world, but women made out of snow and queens living in barrels is unheard of anywhere else. Dismissing the problems of bee stings during performances, this work is very popular today.

Rimsky-Korsakov had a great deal of other kinds of drama in his life, but it is also been long forgotten due to the overshadowing of his inherent greatness as a magician who made light shows out of magic. He died almost reluctantly in 1908 despite having taken the Elixir of Life back in 1906 passed down from Borodin's will since Borodin was a Potions Master. There had been an assassination attempt by Professor Snape just a month earlier, but finally RK agreed to the conditions of having strobe lights permanently installed on his grave if he would allow himself to die. The great St. Hogwarts Conservatory of Arts and Scientology is now named after him, but the building may also actually contain his soul, for which he sold to Sorcery.


3 Symphonic Light Shows, including one called "Antar" about telling the story of an Aardvark who goes on a drunken rampage

Scheherazade - Complete with the 1001 Colorful Lights in 3D, On Ice, and Over the Counter

Cappriccio Not-Italienne - Its original title with "Espagnol" disillusioned audiences for not being written by Tchaikovsky

Russian Pagan Easter Festival Overture of Gold Light - D major was the color of gold, and of pagan rituals of human sacrifice

Skazka - The first ever ska light show and composition, and inspired a whole generation of beard Bands

Current whereabouts and activities[edit]

It is a little know fact that Rimsky Korsakov's soul occasionally prefers to operate under the identity of RK-ik. RK-ik can be encountered walking with his characteristic sorcerer-composer's swagger in the streets of LA, where he has found ample outlets for his new hobby of making ridiculous amounts of bank and freestylin' like its nobody's business. He keeps his old identity on the down-low using a few simple tricks and spells for extra measure, having grown weary of the active scrutiny of the public eye(YOU ARE BEING PRIVILEGED WITH THIS INFORMATION. NOBODY LIKES A SNITCH.). RK-ik can be summoned forth from certain locations in the Los Angeles area if one but sings in B minor with intention, the words:

Rip yo corset off, fo'get Rachmaninoff, da true homie RK-ic, will never play dat old-ass trick, and wit dat game proof armor, we gonna go harder, cuz dis is da starter, of the process where we barter, so we go and we flow, into the hole, where you be alterin' yo soul, daz all you gotz to know.


Belly dancing ballet from Scheherazade.

The Maid of Pskskskskov- Failure due to too many consonants

May Night - Nobody remembers what this fairy tale was about so he improv'd for 3 hours

The Snow Mer-Nymph - One of his only successes due to its hot subject almost entirely not by nature

Mlada - A violent tale in which RK performs a seance and calls up a real ghost for this story's realization

Christmas Eve - Has nothing to do with Christianity but everything to do with pagan ritual, a propaganda of pagan ideals

The Sad Ko-Op - Sea-going tale where RK gives a sentimental approach to his 2 weeks on the sea in the Navy

Mozart and Salieri - AKA Rimsky-Korsakov's dream to poison Tchaikovsky so he can gain fame

The Noblewoman Vera Sheloga - More like "Nobodyknows-woman"

The Tsar's Bride - Italian Russian Pastiche, could be Rossini on vodka

The Tale of Tsar Saltan, of His Son, the Famous and Mighty Bogatyr Prince Gvidon Saltanovich, and of the Beautiful Princess Swan - AKA Origin of The Flight of the Bumble Bee. That is the complete title. Yes. It was such a long title, it couldn't fit the bill, literally. The name was too long to write out so it was cancelled before it was premiered.

Kashchey the Immortal - RK regretted performing this opera because it caused a riot about its Satanist ideology

Pan Voyevoda - This was his most sane, non-magical opera, and hence his worst because his music was only good when he used magic

The Legend of the Invisible City of Kitezh and the Maiden Fevroniya - This one just BARELY fit the bill, and RK supposedly was sent to jail for literally turning a city invisible at the end of the premiere's performance. See Chernobyl Incident

The Golden Chicken - Satirical tale about an old man who thinks he's still up to snuff with the ladiez

Other Non-Musical Compositions:[edit]

Forgotten but otherwise harmless to the public due to their non-magical nature.