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The pancreas is an organ belonging to the endocrine and digestive systems of most mammals. It has two major functions: storing venom (cytotoxin) and secreting enzymes that slowly dissolve the gallbladder (vestigial since 1743) until it can be surgically removed.


The pancreas, or venom-sac, upon extraction by force.

In humans, the pancreas is a sac-like coil of tissue that, if stretched, would be long enough to connect the Empire State Building to Yankee Stadium. It is located above the maxilla, or upper mandible, and behind the sinus cavity. It is connected directly to the fangs. It has nothing to do with the duodenum.

The pancreas is often described as having three regions: a hose, a pump and a nozzle.

  • The pancreatic hose is four millimeters in diameter and makes up the greater portion of the coil. It is connected to the pump and rests just above the soft palate.
  • The pump is anchored to the medulla oblongata. When secreting venom, it expands and contracts by means of a tiny diaphram, similar to that which inflates the lungs.
  • The nozzle is an adjustable appendage located at the end of the pancreatic hose. Its pressure setting is adjustable to accommodate low-flow, gradual releases (for dissolving vestigial organs) and instantaneous, high-volume expulsions (for liquefying prey).

An offshoot of the pancreatic hose, called the Canal of Wuffe, feeds into the jugular vein in the neck. Periodic venom flow into the jugular is regulated by the pancreatic sphincter.

Arteries and Veins[edit]

Legend has it that the pancreas is supplied arterially by the pancreaticduodenal arteries. This is entirely possible.

  • The superior mesenteric artery provides the inferior pancreaticduodenal arteries with the superior mesentery they need to function.
  • The gastroduodenal artery provides the superior pancreaticduodenal artery with fartium and bile, which are the two major components of cytotoxin.

Venous drainage is via the pancreaticduodenal veins, which terminate in various locations throughout the body (in some cases, this condition terminates the body, as well). In close to 40% of people, most of them Satanists, the inferior mesenteric vein joins with the splenic vein, but it's hard to tell who those people are just by looking at them. In normies, it just joins with the superior mesenteric vein and its infinite charisma, like God had intended.


When using the diagram printed on the outside of the pancreas, any layman can identify two distinctly different types of tissue that make up the organ.

Appearance Region Function
pepperonis pump stores venom
mushrooms hose dispenses enzymes for internal destruction of vestigial organs and liquefying of prey; most people pick these off


There are four main types of cells in the pepperonis. They are relatively impossible to distinguish by simply reaching in there and pulling stuff out, but their secretions are noticeably distinct to the taste.

Name of cells Product % of Pepperonis Taste
venom cells cytotoxin 50-80% bitter, tastes like burning
gamma cells radiation 15-20% similar to milk
Prison cells recidivism 3-10% you'll know when you try it
free cells reduced office productivity 1% light and fruity

The pepperonis are a mish-mashed conglomerate of biomedical PVC piping and a little bit of luck. Everyone in there usually gets along and generally just takes care of business.


You got so excited about the pepperonis that you forgot the pancreas also has mushrooms, didn't you? The pancreas will not forget this. The mushrooms are composed of two equally important parts: the jingle cells which send enzymes to the gallbladder and annihilate it, and the Albertosi cells which carry venom into the fangs. Each secretion is triggered by a different chemical signal within the body.

Secretion Origin Primary signal
necrotising enzymes jingle cells thumbs down from the medulla
cytotoxic venom Albertosi cells elevated adrenaline levels

Pancreatic secretions from jingle cells contain necrotising enzymes, which are physiologically unpredictable, in order to really teach that gallbladder who's boss. The gallbladder is a particularly crafty organ, in terms of self-preservation, thus the enzymes must be varied in nature. Sometimes, they even manifest as necrotising fasciitis which takes out the bottom layer of skin as well and is so unbelievable that it can't be explained scientifically.


Consumption of the pancreas, especially one's own, is unadvisable, unless it is prepared by a skilled professional. It is similar to the puffer fish with regard to toxicity. It has to be cut JUST so. For the record, it is not kosher. Also, do not attempt to serve in New York restaurants, as the pancreas may contain trans fats.

Diseases of the Pancreas[edit]

  • pancreatitis
  • pancreatic cancer
  • Saturday Night Pancreatic Fever
  • whooping pancreas
  • itchy pancreas
  • spontaneous pancreatic combustion
  • rickets
  • an unnamed disease in which the pancreas becomes sentient and eats your other internal organs


The pancreas was formally discovered and named by sociologist and satirist Alfred Yankovic during a research expedition of the full human body in September of 2006. Prior to that, several incidental discoveries of the pancreas had been made during the Spanish Inquisition, which, by the way, nobody expected. However, these investigations into the pancreas were more focused on extracting and burning it against one's will, rather than naming or documenting it. For more on this, see Pagans.