Pandemic: The Game
Welcome to Pandemic: The Game!
This game is played with a six-sided dice and $1000 play money, which will be called bills, at the beginning of the game for each player. To make things interesting, the phases are numbered in reverse order. This game should only be played by players who are 21 years or older or who have been trained in gun safety and who are over 18 or have parental permission. All game instructions should be read before beginning play. 
At the beginning of the game, each player decides whether they decide (1) to wear a mask or not, (2) whether to disinfect surfaces or not, and (3) whether to practice social distancing or not, (4) Whether they prefer large gatherings or whether they prefer to do their own thing alone, and (4) whether their location has reopened business as usual or not, and (5) Whether they are a business owner.
If the player has chosen to be a business owner, if the state is reopened, they start with 1200 bills.
Phase Four: Contagion
If the player has chosen that business not be open as usual, the player returns $200 bills to the bank, representing temporarily lost income, in the form of investments, business income or wages.
Then, based on these player decisions, the player rolls the dice. The number of times the player must roll the dice depends on their answers to the above. If you decided not to wear a mask, not to practice social distancing, prefer large gatherings, and business has reopened, you must roll the dice seven times. If you have made any other choice on any of these, the number of dice rolls is reduced by the number of choices you made to reduce the chances of infection. If you roll a one on any of these rolls, Congratulations: you are infected.
If you are infected and your state was reopened, you must pay 100 bills representing unemployment, lost wages, the cost of delivery service or temporary inability to run your business because you are housebound. If another player is willing to be infected, an infected player may keep their 100 bills. Once a player has either completed infection or rolled the required number of dice rolls without being infected, the dice is passed to the next player.
Phase Three: Infection
If you have been infected, you advance to Phase three. You must roll the dice one time, plus once more for each one of the following risk factors you have:
- An immune disorder.
- Asthma or respiratory disorders (such as COPD)
- Age over 55 years with a sedentary lifestyle.
- Heart disease or condition.
- Morbid obesity.
- Age over 65 years.
- Age over 75 years.
If you roll a one on any of these dice rolls, congratulations, you are Hospitalized! You can now proceed to Phase two.
Phase Two: Hospitalization
Upon achieving hospitalization, a revolver is now put into play. A game of Russian roulette begins for players who have achieved hospitalization. A ten chamber revolver is used for this stage. If you chose that your state be reopened, you must play two rounds of Russian roulette, representing a scarcity of hospital beds and staff. If you chose that your state remain closed or limited, you need only play one round of Russian roulette, representing a reasonable amount of hospital beds and staff. Once you complete your Russian roulette, you proceed to phase one. All business owners must pay 20 bills back to the bank for each player hospitalized, representing temporarily lost business while the person who was hospitalized is paying off their hospital bills. If you do not have a revolver handy, or are squeamish about blood, simply tape a piece of paper labelled "BANG" to one side of the dice.
There are two ways to reach phase one. the first one is to survive the Russian roulette and enter Quarantine. If you are in quarantine, and your risk factor was that you were over 65 and/or over 75, you receive 200 bills, representing retirement income. Otherwise, you lose 100 bills representing unemployment or temporary inability to run your business in person. You must pay everything else except 50 bills to the hospital. The second way is to not survive the Russian roulette. If you do not survive, well, You are Dead. A random player at the table becomes your "heir", and takes the rest of your play money. They must pay all except 50 bills to the hospital, and the rest to the funeral home. All business owners lose 100 bills for each player who is dead, representing permanently lost business from the dead players. Business owners gain 100 bills for each player who remains uninfected at the end of the game or reaches quarantine. The game ends when someone is either quarantined or dead and all funds have been accounted for. The one with the most bills at the end of the game wins. I hope someone brought the flowers and funeral music!
- Neither Uncyclopedia nor the author of this article is responsible for any consequences resulting from lack of common sense, nor for anyone's Darwin Award. This game should not be played by anyone experiencing a mental health crisis, or anyone with an IQ of less than 100.