Pong
- Don't read this article, just go and read Ping. If you still want to read this article, don't put the blame on us...
- Not to be confused with The game (one, you lose, and two, the main difference is the object of the game is to not think about it, but in pong, the object of the game is to not think about how much slower your paddle moves and how much you suck at it).
Pong was arguably the first video game made since the fall of the Egyptian Empire in 3000 BC, although some early Sumerian examples pre-date it by at least 6000 years. Pong sent shockwaves through both the gaming and tennis communities when it hit the shelves in 1903. Before the release of Pong, Pong was played outdoors on something that runs Linus Linux®. But thanks to amazing advances in virtual reality technology, Pong brought this popular sport out of the sun and into the basement filled with Microsoft Stuff.
From 1903 onward, tennis players of all skill levels began practising and competing from the safety of their grandmother's basements. Pong's popularity was so immense that it even caused the cancellation of the 1903 PTA Tour. In 1904, Pong was adopted as the PTA's official tennis simulator, allowing Pong matches to count towards a player's official PTA rating.
Today, experts estimate that Pong matches account for about 95% of all tennis matches played worldwide. It is a ball that makes part of the Marioverse. It was killed by Po, but somehow is in every Donkey and Pong shames. Pong is known to cause seizures in Japan due to colourful intro animations, and has caused two cases of cancer in the state of California.
Trivia
A geezer with an unknown identity has bought a Doom 3 engine to do a remake of Pong, with no changes at all except for foul language if played for 10,000 straight hours without losing. Contrary to popular belief, pong is not intended to have a beep only sountrack. Each copy actually came with photoplay music printed on the inside of the box, which was supposed to be played on a theatre organ.
Use In The Olympics
In 2010 the citizens of the united kingdom of great america and northern australia signed a declaration of reasonable certainty that pong was the best game ever made and after ten years of exclusive media coverage Bungie went out of business. Pong is now the sea's national sport and the only game in the Olympics. Ever since 4999 people have travelled for miles to see two exited people hitting a pixelated ball around on a screen (VGA to keep up the tradition of the latest equitment).
Awards
Ever since it launched Pong has won several awards including:
- The London Awards for Programs That Start.
- The Berlin Awards for Programs That Stop.
Notable PONG winners
- Roger Federa (2002-2006): First man to win the title on 5 successive occasions , beating his bitter rival Sir Stephen "the glove" Hawkins. Controversy continues amongst fellow tennis players ,as they accuse him of only gaining his No1 ATP ranking by only playing Pong .
- Stephen "The Glove" Hawkins (1994, 1996-1999): Stripped of his 1994 championship title after a Pong tournament official discovered he had wired the pong controller to his own on-board computer allowing movement by thought alone.
- Stevie Wonder (1984, 1987): Amazed the Pong world by winning twice using the "static" technique - where Stevie followed the movement of the ball by feeling the static charges whilst his tongue was pressed on the telly screen.
- Jennifer Cantbearsti (1990): Caused a sensation by winning the women's title as a young sassy 14yr old. Coaches clamoured to help her with her twist (double tap) serve , but drug abuse and an arrest for stealing a Pony caused a dramatic crash of her career.
- Andy Roddick (1998): Probably the most famous pong match of all time, which was televised for an American Express advert. Despite Andy's massive amount of talent, Pong whoops his ass all over the court, until about an hour later, when Andy realises he can hit the ball with the least effort where Pong can't reach. Duh!! The rest was the most boring tennis playing in the world.
- Michael Schumacher (2002): Briefly before his racing career began Schumacher was an avid pong enthusiast, however when his racing career took off he stopped playing pong. Some are still upset with his move saying "the pong world would have been a better place with him in it" although, in the end, it was never to be.
- Dylan Baranski (2005): Discovered a way to cheat at Pong. Just deflect the ball for a little bit & try to find a good spot to rest the paddle in. If you do it right, you can just leave the paddle there, & the computer can't get it past you, but it'll eventually get past him. Leave it like this for a little bit & you'll easily win the game.
- AAA: Do I need to say it?