Protect and Survive

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Nice, friendly, welcoming big letters that make you feel warm inside for the last three minutes before you die.
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A warning may come quite unexpectedly.

It could creep up on you when you are in the post office and not thinking about it. Or else, perhaps when you are picking flowers, the warning will just go off, without warning, and it will go "WAAAAAAAAAAAA!" really loudly, and you'll fall over if you're not careful. Remember this.

The warning is IMPORTANT.

Because right after the warning comes a massive nuclear bomb.


This article is written by men of authority. We know what we are talking about and we smoke a pipe. You don't. Hah.

The first thing to realise about the warning is that there will be no warning of the warning. There used to be a warning of the warning, but then people still got scared. So then there was a warning for the warning warning, but that didn't work out either, so now there's just the warning, pure and simple. Not that it really matters, since we're all going to DIE!!

We will now tell you what to do if a warning sounds when you are at home, and then we will explain what to do if you are out of doors.

At Home

Now would indeed be a good time to get rid of those "Reader's Jugs" magazines.

If an attack is imminent you will hear the attack sound. This will sound like a rising tone, followed by three short beeps, followed by a loud voice shouting "ATTACK!", just once, followed by a short section of marching music, followed by a falling tone. Or, it might just be the sound of people running around screaming hysterically in the street outside. Or else, if you are watching television, and the announcer suddenly goes "Ah, bollocks, we're fucked, the missiles are coming", then that's a pretty good clue.

So take cover at once. Send your young children to the fallout room. This is the room where you most commonly "fall out" with other people. It could be the living room or the kitchen. If you don't have a "fall out" room, then try a table, or else crawl under a cardboard box. In the end, trust me, it won't make a lot of difference.

Alternatively, if there is a school nearby take cover there immediately under one of the desks. Because if there is one thing we know from those old safety films we were shown in school, it is that the desks are made of some sort of nuclear blast-proof wood, even if a nuclear weapon explodes right above it. But then the fallout will still get you. Damn, that sucks.

Now go quickly and turn off the gas and electricity at the mains. Close down stoves, damp down fires, shut windows and draw curtains. Curtains have been scientifically proven to be absolutely useless at protecting against nuclear blast, but they're all you've got, so close them. Then go to your fallout room or table or box and stay there. Bring a game of Scrabble with you, too, as you will need something to pass the... Four letter word, with a "V" on a triple letter score... "Void." The ironies are unlimited.

The Fallout Warning

He's got the radio, and they're going to spend the war under a large pile of rubbish bags. Good thinking.

If the fallout warning sounds are heard they will be like these:

The Fall-out Warning!!! The Fall-out Warning!!! The Fall-out Warning!!! Got That? The FALL-OUT Warning. It's coming!!! We Won't Say it Again.

The fallout warning is specifically designed for those among you who might let fallout slip their mind. It's an easy mistake to make - right after all the excitement of a nuclear blast, you'll probably want to go running into the street and skipping through the rubble. But after ten minutes you'll begin to wonder what all that white powder is. Then you'll remember. "Damn!", you'll think. "Why didn't anyone warn me?". That's why there's a fallout warning.

You should now move yourself and your family to the safest area in your home, or whatever is left of it. You should get inside your inner refuge and stay there. If you don't have any inner refuge left, try either meditation, deep breathing, a fridge, or the septic tank.

After two billion days the danger from fallout will get less, but don't take any risks by contact with it. The longer you stay in your refuge the better it will be for you. Listen to your radio. Stay where you are and keep listening to your radio. Keep it glued to your ear and pretend that the low "hissss" is the sound of help coming.

DON'T go outside and play hopscotch. DO listen to your radio. DON'T play a melancholy tune on the harmonica. DO listen to the radio. Light jazz is a popular option. DO listen to your radio. That is all you can do anyway. DO listen to your radio. DON'T forget.

What to do if you are out of doors

Buy more doors! Ha ha. Just a little joke there to break the depressing awfulness of it all.

What to do if you are out of doors, really.

Did you remember to turn the gas off?

Now this is what you should do if you are out of doors when the warning sounds. Take cover at once when you hear the attack sound.

If you cannot reach home in ten minutes take cover in the nearest building. If there is no building nearby try to find some solid cover. If there is no solid cover, lie flat in a ditch or a hole and cover your head, face and hands as fast as you can with some of your clothes. If there is no ditch or hole, then, well basically you're fucked, sorry.

If you hear the fallout warning:

The Fall-out Warning. The Fall-out Warning!

Seek the nearest and best cover as quickly as you can, but before entering the building or cover, brush or shake off any fallout dust you may have picked up, and get rid of it. That should keep you nice and safe.

Change your outer clothing if you can. Wash your hair too. And clip your nails. Those shoes could do with a polish. Try and look presentable, even if half your back is trailing behind you like some ghastly wedding shroud. Otherwise the vigilantes won't ask questions before putting a bullet in you.

The all clear

Quick, get into a secure building before anyone sees that jacket.

When the all clear sounds, like this:

We made it!! Now it's just us against the cockroaches, and they've got nothing to fight with!!

It means that you are safe from attack or fallout for the time being, and that you can go out again, and maybe buy an ice cream, but keep listening for further warnings, or to your radio for further advice. Don't let the fact that the entire world has been devastated in a pointless and stupid moment of madness slip your mind, or you might trip on some rubble and hurt yourself.

Oh yeah, batteries for the radio... Sorry, we forgot to mention that before.

We are experts with bullet-proof brains. No need to thank us. Just remember the catchphrase:

Protect and survive. Protect and survive. Protect and survive...

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