Pygmy
“You mean those brown squishy things?”
“You'sa racist bitch nigga”
“I once shared a cigar with a pygmy...if you know what I mean”
“My wife had PAIDS, she had to go”
“Hey Rihanna, check out this article”
A "Brief" History[edit]
In 1944, the American Army needed a way of keeping troops satisfied after five years at war. Since all the women and homosexuals were working in factories, the government had to resort to interspecies prostitution. At first scientists suggested orangutans but later scrapped the idea because, as Steve Coogan famously said, "no nigga gonna wanna f*** a ranga!" Eventually, after many fatalities, zoologists decided that guinea pigs are the sluttiest mammals. "They're safe, fun and disposable," said the head researcher.
A few weeks later the project was launched and was an overnight success. The soldiers fought harder in battle, driving off the Nazis and ending World War II. The fatal flaw with the project(which caused governments to postpone WWIII) was the excessive number of guinea pig-human hybrids(now known as 'pygmies'). The US had to think fast. All pygmies were captured and taken to Redneck territory. There they were used as live bait for 'gator huntin' and soon became an endangered species. However, America's sneaky-ass intelligence agencies kept the whole 'pygmy' thing underground.
For years the world lived in ignorance until 1995, when South Africa announced that they discovered a new race living amongst them. Since the whole democracy vibe was still in the air, Nelson Mandela found it only fitting that the pygmies were given equal rights too. That's when the Declaration of Pygmypendance was drawn up and pygmies all over SA could live in peace.
As time went by, humans found themselves attracted to these pygmies and eventually they, uhm...yeah. Eventually some HIV+ retard from Limpopo infected a pygmy and what happened next, well...
What Happened Next[edit]
The little pygmy's body couldn't handle the virus and so a new strain was created: PIV. Once infected, the pygmy spawns uncontrollably and has an urge to bite flesh off humans(thus giving survivors Pygmy AIDS). The good news is that pygmies are really, really stupid. The bad news is that their intelligence increases dramatically after each feed. Pygmies are very dangerous at
nightclubs(pygmies hide out in the dark corners, pretending to be loners). They often try to blend in at high schools, but can be immediately recognised by their diminished height.
The American Invasion[edit]
When George Bush bought his presidency in 2001, he was informed of the seriousness of the pygmy situation. At the time all he could do was say, "God bless America" and smile like a content platypus. However, after much thought he decided that the best plan of action would be to bomb the twin towers and blame it on a bunch of Middle Eastern Muslim radicals. This would act as a global distraction while spec-ops would invade pygmy households and capture them. Bush said that this was "the only way". Th American Invasion was a complete fail. All operatives died of PAIDS. Bush was so enraged with the operation that he spent the rest of his Presidency blaming Muslim nations for everything(including his impotency).
Pygmy AIDS in Humans[edit]
If a victim escapes after being bitten(highly unlikely), they start having sudden muscle spasms. This leads to uncontrollable sharting. The human body eventually gives in to PAIDS and enters catharsis. There is no treatment nor cure for PIV and PAIDS. Our president's advice is to take a shower after being bitten. This has been proven to do absolutely nothing.
In the more likely event that the victim is not able to escape, the pygmy will not only continue biting but will also start raping said victim through the ear. This involves the insertion of tentacles(which sprout from the pygmy's back) into the victims ear, through the brain, and out the other ear. The purpose of this is to release PAIDS directly into the victims brain.
Features[edit]
- very, very short
- dark skin tone
- light skin tone
- short
- black teeth
After infection:
- red eyes
- baldness
- sharp white teeth
- still extremely short
- hairy feet(yeah, like Hobbits)
- large nostrils
- fancy moustache
References[edit]
- Pygmy Organisation for the Eloquent and Short (POES)
- yourmother.org
- Sharting Foundation of South Africa (SFSA)
- PAIDSisreal.com