“We've got more hits than him.”
“Big deal. 800 plus dingers in the Japanese league? That's, like, 500 American.”
“At least he didn't use steroids. Steroids are bad. Steroids are wrong. I never used steroids. Hey, at least my attorney doesn't think I took 'roids.”
Sadaharu "Henry" Oh is an underground phenomenon; many scholars in the art of world domination say that this man had it all in place to become the Supreme Overlord of Earth with his monopoly over the three key areas of global economics: Baseball, candy and acting like a flamingo.
Sadaharu Oh grew up in the remote mountains of Japan, raised exclusively by wolves. He was caught at the approximate age of 10 while biting the throat out of a farmer's goat. He was jailed, beaten, tortured, humiliated, mocked, and deprived of sleep.
When he got out of junior high, however, he was a better person. He had mastered language, walking erect, and overcoming the urge to mark his territory. He also developed an affinity for baseball, although he preferred to catch the ball in his mouth, rather than his glove. He lost many teeth this way.
The Baseball Star
Oh was drafted right out of high school to play for the Hiroshima Swallows, formerly the Hiroshima Bombers. He immediately made his mark, hitting a home run every time he went up to bat, showing superb skill in the outfield, and biting the jugular out of an umpire who wrongly called him out at first base.
However, as the old fable goes, nobody gets famous for playing baseball in Japan. Oh was soon drafted to play for the New York Yankees in America. He adopted a more Americanized name, Henry, and led the Yankees to seven consecutive World Series victories. However, all good things must come to an end, and Oh was viciously beaned by an errant ball pitched by Nolan Ryan. Oh charged the mound and brutally murdered Ryan, while announcer Harry Carey screamed the famous words "Oh no! No, Oh!"
As murder is frowned upon in America, Oh was banned from baseball forever.
The Candy Maker
After being forcibly retired from baseball, Oh decided to go to work on a super-delicious form of candy that everybody would become addicted to and get horribly fat. His passive-aggressive nature took a hold of him, and Oh spent six months in an underground laboratory perfecting the perfect candy bar.
At last, it was created! Delicious enough so that everyone would love it, soft enough for even toothless citizens like Oh to eat it, and purple enough for the large homosexual community to, *Ahem*, get behind it.
Oh wanted to name it "Super Hyper Fun Candy! Mouth Happiness Guarantee!" but because he couldn't read English, he accidentally signed his name where the product name should go. Thus was born the "Oh, Henry" bar.
Sadly, all profits went to a Mr. Super Hyper Fun Candy!, and Oh, distraught over the loss of his profits, went insane.
Oh went missing for another six months before one visitor to the New York Zoo, an eight year old boy named Timmy Gardner, spotted something amiss with the flamingo exhibit. One flamingo didn't look right. Groundskeepers and flamingo specialists from all around the world were called in, and after nearly a week of intense studies, the mystery was solved: The strange flamingo was former baseball legend and almost-candy mogul Sadaharu Oh.
The news made headlines across the globe, and everyone flocked to see the lovable Oh live among his avian friends. However, they couldn't guess at the man's true intentions. In secret, he had been learning the language of flamingos, and had been communicating with them. Slowly, he had become King of the Flamingos of the New York Zoo, then he had taken power of the Global Flamingo Confederacy. With the command of every flamingo in the world, Oh was launching a massive attack on the very nation that had robbed him of his only two ambitions in life: America.
The War That Wasn't Quite
America's leaders were so charmed by Oh that they never expected anything malicious to be brewing in his friendship with the harmless pink birds. Indeed, had they simply sat back, the planned attack that Oh was mounting might have been just like Pearl Harbor, except with a lot more pink feathers and poop on people's nice, clean cars.
The aforementioned Timmy Gardner suspected that something was up, however. Using the Rosetta Stone and a Dick Tracy decoder ring he had found in a box of Cracker Jacks, combined with his basic knowledge of the Flamingan language learned in Boy Scouts, he listened in on the conversations held between Oh and his flamingo conspirators. Gardner then alerted the President, and a preemptive strike was ordered on Oh.
The National Guard mobilized in the New York Zoo and laid siege to the flamingo exhibit, calling for Oh's unconditional surrender. After two days of waiting with no sign from Oh, the secret Legion of Presidential Ninjas was ordered to infiltrate the exhibit. They came out unscathed five minutes later, reporting that Oh and his flock of flamingos were all dead and linked wing to wing (Or hands, in Oh's case). A nearly empty pitcher of Kool-Aid was found amongst them. It was later confirmed that rather than give up, the FlamingOh Family, as they called themselves, had chosen mass suicide.
For his hard work in saving the nation, Gardner later said "Golly, I just did what any swell guy would do! I was hoping I might find a Communist with all my hard work, but this is just as neat! Now my whole class doesn't pick on me any more for learning the flamingo language. I'm always gonna stay in school!"
Oh's body was paraded through Times Square the next day, where crowds ridiculed it and threw fruit at it. It was publicy burned, and the remains were dumped into an unmarked grave somewhere in the middle of Wyoming.
|This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series|
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