Ship in a bottle

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A ship. In a bottle. How nice.

Scientists have been contemplating many things [1] from the minute they were invented. Why does the universe work in the way that it does? To what extent can mathematical formulae (formulas if you're a commoner) explain the universe? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Is L. Ron. Hubbard really right?[2]

They can explain all of these things (with, of course, the number 42) but there is just one question that befuddles them all. How do you get those big ships into bottles when the bottlenecks are obviously too thin to let the ship through?



Many people have come up with many answers to this question, many of which are wrong (at least, that is what many of the many scientists who talk about the many answers have said. Many).

However, all of the theories must be put forward and have equal hearing (as ruled by the state of Kansas, whose members are so mad they wouldn't know the difference between a scientific paper on the cure to AIDs and their breakfast. This could be the reason there is no cure for AIDs yet). So lets get through the rubbish, so we can get onto the REAL science as soon as possible.

  • The ships grow in there until they reach maturity. (Errr.... how would they mate? Some people are just retarded.)
  • God put the ships there (He's got better things to do. Stopping famine, saving African children from AIDs etc.)
  • Your Mom (Trust me, she's got better things to do too. Such as every male between here and Glasgow)
  • The ships sneak into glassblowing factories where they hide in the glass. When blown, the glass surrounds the ship. (In Soviet Russia, glass blow YOU)
  • Shouldn't you be doing something useful with your time? (No)
  • Mornington Crescent sorts it out. (Surprisingly, it doesn't. This is unusual, but it lends credence to the theory that rule 576.iii, Sub clause B, (F side) may be flawed.)
  • Mathmatician "Frank" (aka. Frank) submitted this equation:

But this doesn't do much for the cause. The equation is mathematically sound, but it is virtually useless. This is because the approximately sign leaves a rather larger leway than most. Basically, the equation is equal to 75 plus or minus infinity. Which is obvious to everyone who has dabbled in the mathematics of the subject.


Right, this is where the real debate about bottled ships is happening. There are only two major competing theories for this, one being the "Spontaneous Generation" (commonly known as the "Holy Shit, where the fuck did that spring from") theory, put forward by the eminant scientist, Dr. Tom Cruise[3]. This suggests that these ships are caused by the atoms of the air spontaneously merging (while swapping protons, neutrons and electrons) and creating the ships as if by magic. But this thesis has its downsides. For example, imagine the improbability of it. All the atoms must arrange themselves into a specific shape and structure, while remaining stable and not exploding. The probability of this happening has been calculated by many scientists, although their estimates vary wildly, going from 7:1 against all the way up to 15:2 against. This is, to those who have not quite grasped probability (bless 'em), grossly improbable.

This leaves many scientists to believe the second theory.


  1. At least, that's what they WANT you to think...
  2. No
  3. Along with his brother, Letsgoona Cruise