Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich
Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich (German pronunciation: [demonic sounds]) (7 March 1904 – 4 June 1942) was a total sex beast and the Antichrist [citation needed] but his main claim to fame and 'true passion in life' was as a Soprano Opera singer. He is perhaps best known for his heart-rending performance as Fafnir in Der Ring des Nibelungen. He also did some things in his free time like general the SS, direct the Gestapo, kill a bunch of Germans, kill a bunch of Czechs, kill a bunch of kittens, and organize a little thing called the Holocaust.
He died in a tragic anvil accident whilst on his morning stroll through the beautiful city of Prague.
Early Life[edit]
Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich was born in 1904 in Dar es Salaam to incredibly indecisive parents Richard Bruno Heydrich and Elisabeth Anna Maria Amalia Krantz Heydrich who named their son after the sound a shitload of pots and pans make when you drop them on the floor. Reportedly they first tried to combine their names together to summon CAPTAIN PLANET but chickened out because they were afraid they would open a black hole or trigger the Second Coming of Christ or something. Richard Bruno Heydrich later wrote an opera and named the tragic hero after his son, because he is an asshole.
As a child, Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich's hobbies included fencing, eating other children and kicking puppies. He often impressed his parents' friends with his musical skillz (see: breakdancing).
[edit]
“The German soldier does not get pissed at the bar.”
In 1922 Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich joined the Navy and it was like one big party man, like there was all these ladies and there was so much booze and like whaaat like we did whaaat last night? Oh man, you are not putting that on facebook. No. Come on, man. Don't be a dick. Don't be—after the photos of Heydrich dancing on a table in fishnet stockings and a lampshade on his head went viral, he was promptly kicked out of the Navy for "conduct slightly unbecoming to an officer and a gentlemen". He was devastated man, like totally devastated. But then he was like 'screw the man', man, and married a stripper he met at a Nazi Party rally. Then he went through an emo phase and a rocker phase. He also went through a hipster phase but we don't talk about the hipster phase.
Career in the SS and military[edit]
During Heydrich's writing phrase his hot stripper-wife was all like, 'hey man, you should become a Nazi' and he was all like 'wut?' and she was like 'Nazis are totally sexy' so he became a Nazi. And then he was even SEXIER. He was so SEXY Himmler hired him immediately as the chief of a new counterintelligence division of the SS. Wow, that escalated quickly. He also got this SICK ring with a SKULL on it. He would punch people with it and it would make a sick skull mark on their forehead [citation needed]. That's how you know not to mess with the 'drich.
Gestapo and SD[edit]
Because Nazis have nothing better to do, Heydrich and Himmler (see: Pinky and the Brain) began to spy on other Nazis. They wished to gain control over other departments of Nazis to control the Nazis to brainwash the other Nazis. Then in 1933, when big Nazi Hitler came to power over the Nazis, they began arrest Nazis that opposed their Nazis policies and kill Nazis for opposing their Nazis policies. Because Nazis. Then someone suggested they should kill Jews instead of Nazis and Heydrich was totally on board with that. Himmler named Heydrich to head the Gestapo on 22 April, 1934 because he was Heydrich's bitch [citation needed].
Crushing the SA[edit]
GRNGH! SMASH! HEYDRICH SMASH!
With the SA out of the way, Heydrich began building the Gestapo into an instrument of FEAR (actually F.E.A.R.), improving the indexing and color-coding system of criminal offenders with perfectly rectangle 76.2 by 127.0 mm cards in perfect arrays of 1062 by 5850 cards in perfect set of EIGHT NOT NINE drawers in a manner that was not OCD at all. He also overhauled the interior design and furnishings of the Gestapo offices because those drapes were totally hideous, girl.
More Killing of zee Nazis[edit]
HEYDRICH ANGRY! HEYDRICH ORGANIZE 1936 SUMMER OLYMPICS! HEYDRICH SMASH!
Acting Reich Protector of Bohemia and Moravia[edit]
After zee killing so many of zee Nazis, Hitler reportedly told Heydrich that he needed to 'chill the fuck out' and sent him for a nice relaxing vacation to the beautiful city of Prague located in the beautiful country of Bohemia. While vacationing in the beautiful city of Prague located in the beautiful country of Bohemia, Heydrich told the Czechs he was 'assuming direct control' and was promptly defenestrated out of the tallest building in the beautiful city of Prague which is 2.5 stories tall. After suffering innumerable ouchies, Heydrich stumbled around the beautiful city of Prague asking zee wonderfully friendly Czechs zee directions to zee main attractions of the wonderful city of Prague. However the wonderfully friendly Czechs laughed at him for his horrible accent and extremely high-pitched voice and also because he was actually telling them his 'hovercraft was full of eels'. Enraged, Heydrich went all Hulk and killed 92 Czechs. He then climbed to the top of the Castle and started howling and beating his chest and swatting down airplanes so the Czechs decided to leave him alone for a while.
HAPPY HAPPY FUN TIMES[edit]
In time, however, the Czechs came to appreciate Heydrich as the best ruler and leader of their country EVA, bestowing such adoring names on him as "The Hangman", "The Butcher of Prague", "The Blond Beast" and the "Evil God of Death". In return, Heydrich was known to lovingly refer to his subjects by such names as "the Czech vermin", "the dirty Czech vermin", "the dirty goddamned Czech vermin not fit to grace the sole of my shoe". During this time Heydrich arrested and executed between 4,000 and 5,000 Czechs and bragged that he sent lots more to concentration camps (see: HAPPY HAPPY FUN CAMPS) qualifying for 'the high score'. Historians maintain that Heydrich was probably still just a bit cross after collapsing and nearly dying during one of his radio addresses in the valiant attempt to pronounce the Czech ř. And also all the Czechs laughed at him again.
Career stats[edit]
During Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich's time in the SS they became so fucking terrified of him that decided to use his name as a ranking system (see: Obergruppenführer, General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts, Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor, Reinhard, Tristan, Eugen, Heydrich). Indeed, when he wasn't killing people, he was rising through the ranks, accumulating such a vast variety of titles that at least 60-80% of every conversation with the man would be inevitably dedicated to reciting his titles. And if you fucked up HE WOULD KILL YOU. Because everything needed to be perfect and he wasn't OCD at all.
He was also—oh, come on, a major in the Luftwaffe? And he landed behind enemy lines in Russia? And narrowly escaped from Soviet patrols? And Hitler personally ordered him to return to Germany? They just makin' this shit up now.
He also was a level 82 Necromancer, receiving such achievements as the Blood Order, the Golden PARTY badge, bronze and silver combat mission chocolate bars, and the Iron Cross First and Second classes with glitter and sprinkles.
Death in Prague[edit]
So's when Heydrich first became the ReichsproteKtor von Böhmen und Mähren he found the Crown Jewels of Bohemia in the closet and thought he would look FABULOUS wearing dat. But all the Czechs were like 'dude, don't put that on 'cause it's like cursed and you'll die within a year and your eldest son will also die', but he was all like 'bitch please, I'm Reinhard Heydrich' and he put on the Crown. He then proceeded to die like a little bitch within the year and also his eldest son died. Whoops. Uh—spoiler alert? Alternate sources indicate that Himmler 'double dog dared' him to do it, and he just couldn't let that slide.
Operation Anthropoid[edit]
“I can do that. Hold my beer.”
“Ja, die Welt ist nur ein Leierkasten,
den unser Herrgott selber dreht.
Jeder muß nach dem Liede tanzen,das gerade auf der Walze steht.”
“Man—screw ya'll ya'll.”
“Need… more… morphine…”
On 27 May 1942 Heydrich was scheduled to attend a surprise Intervention meeting with Hitler in Berlin (reportedly to deal with his 'fucking anger management issues'). But while attempting to do a wheelie at a hairpin turn in the Prague suburb of Libeň, Heydrich was stopped by the only two rude Czechs in the wonderful country of Bohemia—who decided to show their love and appreciation for the Reichsprotektor and his work by firing a machine gun at his car! Unfortunately, the machine gun (supplied by ACME Co.) did not go off properly. Not to be deterred, the Czechs also threw a TANK grenade at him (also supplied by ACME Co.), which also failed to kill him (although it did go BOOM and turn his face all black). The Czechs and Heydrich then engaged in an epic four hour long chase through Prague, which included cliffdrops, rockets, TNT and increasingly bizarre inventions on the Reichsprotektor's part. The chase finally ended when the Czechs managed to drop an anvil on Heydrich—and after going up and down and up and down like an accordion he collapsed in the road. The Czechs then high-fived and beep-beeped and high-tailed it outta there.
Death in Prague Pt. II[edit]
Heydrich was taken to the Bulovka Hospital, 250 metres away, where he was operated on by people who were almost certainly doctors. He seemed to be recovering quite well for a while. And then he died.
The Czechs threw a SICK party and they haven't stopped partying since.
MORE HAPPY HAPPY FUN TIMES[edit]
Hitler was NOT happy about Heydrich's assassination. NOT HAPPY, you guys. NOT HAPPY. Like he wanted to kill ALL the Czechs. But then Karl Hermann Frank and Himmler convinced him that might ruin the productivity of the region just a teeny tiny little bit. So they decided to only kill half the Czechs.
Reprisals[edit]
Himmler ordered his extremely competent and intelligent Gestapo agents to locate the villages that had aided the assassins, which they did by throwing darts at a map. So the Nazis showed up to Lidice and shot all the men and gassed all the children and sent all the women to a concentration camp. Then they burned down the town and bulldozed down all the buildings. Because the Nazis are a subtle people. The performance was so popular they repeated it at Ležáky a few days later, except this time they just killed everyone. Because Nazis.
Adding to Heydrich's high score, they also randomly shot like 5000 other people. Jesus Christ.
Fuck. The. Nazis.[edit]
The Gestapo were not able to locate the actual assassins using their infallible dart-and-map based method. However the DIRTY FUCKING TRAITOR Čurda sold them out for 30 silver coins so they were able to find the church where the assassins were hiding kinda sorta eventually. To be fair, it was only a little church—the Ss. Cyril and Methodius Cathedral in the middle of like fucking Prague.
On 18 June 1942, eight hundred kindly Gestapo and SS men knocked on the front door of the church and told the Czechs to come out and it was 'all cool' and they 'totally wouldn't be tortured' and shit like that. So the Czechs came out and the Germans totally kept their word and everyone frolicked together in a field with daisies PSYCH the Czechs actually told the Nazis to go fuck themselves and there was an epic four-hour long shoot out which the Czechs nearly won despite being outnumbered like one-hundred to one and only armed with pistols, and the Czechs killed themselves rather than be taken alive.
Seriously. Fuck the Nazis.
Political consequence and aftermath[edit]
“Damn, it's hot down here.”
“Yeah… so sorry about that…”
“AW YEAAAAH WE KILLED HEYDRICH BITCHES FUCK YEAHHHH!"”
Since Heydrich was a whiny little bitch he had TWO fucking fucking funerals in Prague and Berlin, where Hitler himself placed the German Order and the Blood Order medals on Heydrich's pillow (see: Totally Not Necrophilia). Distinguished music was playing at his funeral(s) from the likes of Giacomo Meyerbeer, Felix Mendelssohn, Gustav Mahler (see: Symphony No. 1, Mvt. III). Heydrich's head is currently on display on a pike somewhere in Prague [citation needed].
“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"”
Everyone universally agrees the Czechs won for killing Heydrich and it is totally okay if they take a break for a few hundred years now. *SHOOTS OFF PISTOLS* Did I tell you 'bout that sick party?