Spaghetti

Invisible spaghetti sauce has become the favorite of foodies and hipsters everywhere. It is only served in elite restaurants where wait staff can keep from smiling when bringing the dish to the table.

“I always suck it through my small pursed lip”

~ Oscar Wilde

Pascetti is a nice Italian word for food that lazy ass, overweight Americans can eat at their leisure. Famous pascetti concoctions include Spaghetti O's and Pascetti Straps.

A man once had a dream that a mechanical rhino was about to eat everyone. All of a sudden, a great man stepped forward and announced, "Wait! I can save everyone." This man then proceeded to turn into a giant pascetti string, with which the rhino was entrapped. From then on, he was known as Pascetti.

History

Known by different names around the globe, Pascetti is the only food with the ability to cross major cultural barriers and enter into such unlikely cuisines as that of Japan, where it is referred to as Ramen, and Africa, where they call it 'mealworms'.

It is said that at the SJHSM (St Jason Hanson School of Malawi) the spaghetti served at lunch has been shipped from last year with a time machine, thus giving cancer to the students due to the radiations it got during the trip in the machine. The lunch ladies then throw the contaminated food into white plastic containers (divided in either 1 or 2 separate parts) sealed with transparent (not really transparent due to the vapor the food makes which was created in the trip) plastic covers. After this the packages are put into blue boxes with the name either menu a, b, c, or d where students have to check on a list (which nobody respects) to find the correct menu they have payed 4 euros a day for. Morale of the story: food at the SJHSM sucks and gives you cancer.

Recipe

The recipe mentioned below is created to provide a synthetic version of pascetti. Although it resembles the taste quite well, the best spaghetti in the world is still the natural one.

Feeds 85,000 normal people - or John Goodman

Ingredients

• 1 ball of string approximately the size of the Taj Mahal
• 1,000,000 eggs
• 100 55-gallon barrels of pasta sauce
• 50 lbs of salt
• 1,000,000 chicken nuggets
• Essence of god
• 7 holy accidents
• 10/2 bagels
• 1 whole Mamma's pie
• Love
• Soft cheese
• Alcopoppies (NOT OPTIONAL!!!)
• 10 grams of diamonds (57 carat)
• A $100 note, finely chopped
• Interest on $100 over 11 days

Method

1. Take the eggs and beat well.*
2. Now carefully remove all the bits of shell. Set them aside for use in another recipe.
3. Add pound of salt.
4. Soak string in egg for three days in total darkness.
5. Hang string in direct sunlight for one week.
6. Allow bagels to marinate in the essence of god for 69.696969696969696969696969696961 seconds.
7. Have sex with the bagels.
8. Insert 1/3 of each chicken nugget into your vagina.
9. Add sauce and DIE! (yes, that is the cost and retribution for putting in the salt which causes DIABETES).

it is said that Princess Peach makes enchanted spaghetti, and Mario doesn't care about taste, just the power of Peach's spaghetti.

• If beating is illegal in your country, a stern talking to will do (see King Charles III, Conversations with Spaghetti and my Mamma).

Alternative method

Have sex! According to the great Polish philosopher Ascapopalyse, 'Sex is People Pascetti!' (which is rumoured to sound smoother in Polish).

Culture

Certain places in the world are culturally tied to spaghetti. Italy, Little Italy, and your Italian neighbour are most of these places. The cultural impact of spaghetti upon people is best reflected in the phrase "Mamma mia!", which has spilled out from Italo-centric cultures and into Mario games.

In cinema

Pascetti has also been featured in famous movies such as What is Spaghetti?, a youtube poop produced by Jackie Chan.

See also

• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• M'bar Kadyrov
• Pasta Dance