Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

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Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back is a 1980 American epic space opera film directed by Irvin "Big Chill" Kershner. George Lucas co-wrote the script with his friend Leigh Brackett, but refused to direct the film because it took too long when he did so for Star Wars. It is the fifth film in the franchise's internal chronology; but it was the second film released. What's up with that?

Set in 3 BBY, three years after A New Hope (although it could just as easily have been 3 days), we see the trio of Luke, Han, and Leia having a very bad day. Luke gets his arm cut off by Darth Vader, Han gets frozen in carbonite, and Leia loses her newfound boyfriend...who just so happens to be Han. It's Murphy's Law: The Movie: "what can go wrong, will go wrong." Our Rebel heroes are at their lowest point, due to the Empire's relentless striking back at them (ba-dum-tsss).

Despite a more seasoned director taking over George Lucas's role, the film still went through a difficult production process, going overbudget multiple times due to producer Gary Kurtz's incompetence, and having its metaphorical right arm cut off when script co-writer Leigh Bracket passed away. Upon release, it gained mixed reviews from critics and fans despite a strong box office performance. However, these critics and fans didn't know the power of the dark side and were sentenced to carbonite-freezing after publishing their reviews. Following their executions, the film has become known as one of the greatest films to ever exist throughout our galaxy and others far, far away.

Opening crawl[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.

Three years have passed since the Death Star was destroyed, and the Rebel alliance has been driven out of Yavin IV by the Empire. Princess Leia, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and C-3PO have not disbanded as a group yet. They lead a contingent on the icy planet of Hoth. Luke, who is sent to investigate a crash landing on the planet, is ambushed by a probe sent by Darth Vader. After the probe ambushes his ass, a furry wampa ambushes his ass as well. Luke frees himself from the wampa's cave with a fancy lightsaber but it doesn't matter as he succumbs to the below zero wind chills and faints in the snow. Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was killed in the previous film, appears before him and tells him to go train with Yoda in Dagobah. Luke replies, "the fuck is a Yoda and why would it be in a Dagobah? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" Han discovers Luke and brings him back base.

Suddenly, a battle.

Luke and R2-D2 leave for Dagobah while Han Solo and Princess Leia escape into a meteor field upon the Millennium Falcon. Obi-Wan appears as a hallucinatory voice inside Luke's head, and instructs him to go to the Dagobah system for further training with Jedi Master Yoda, who was forced into hiding like Obi-Wan when the Republic collapsed. Because Yoda has more physical similarities with a retarded bull-frog than he does with a human being, Obi-Wan got to live in the sand igloo to watch over Luke, while Yoda had to settle for a swamp with other small, green, bas-ackward speaking creatures like him.

After Luke has been further trained in the teachings of the Jedi, Obi-Wan once again appears in the Dagobah swamp to try and dissuade him from going to Cloud City, where Vader holds Han and Leia hostage. After Luke insists on facing Vader, Obi-Wan warns him that he cannot be bothered regenerating to fight Vader just to get killed again as a distraction for Luke and his friends to escape. Luke would have to grow a pair and face him alone.

Cast and characters[edit]


Star Wars was followed by two sequels, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, in 1980 and 1983. The two, notably the former due to it's lack of pure concentrated autism resulting in the only example of a fairly decent movie in this series, are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on. Also, Episode V contained a lulzy scene where Luke and Leia share a kiss, only for Luke to find out in the next movie that Leia is his sister.

So, after George Lucas made lots and lots of money (by owning all over the guys who didn't think action figures would take off) off the original Star Wars, he decided to make more money and continue to foward the neverending storyline that is Star Wars. In short, since Lucas didn't direct this installment, but instead provided cursory input, this one was a lot better. It had drama, suspense, steamy makeout scenes, a downer ending, and made geeks everywhere want Boba Fett armor of their own.

In A New Hope, Luke maybe got 3 days training from Ben. In Empire, he maybe got about 2 weeks from Yoda and in Jedi he maybe got another 3 more days before Yoda tolf him that he's finally a Jedi. So, maybe 3 or 4 weeks. 5 if you're slow. Even with this, fantards still get pissy about the Mary Sue character in The Force Awakens because she taught herself.

One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas' addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10)