Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
RIP Old Generation (1977-2017)
Episode 8 poster.jpg
This poster from the Fro Design Company, teasing a fan-made film that will be addressing some issues with the film in this article. They just need the rights of Disney and $200 Million, so expect to see it sometime soon.
Directed by Ryan Johnson
Produced by the New Generation
Written by Ryan Johnson
Starring By the end of it, no one
Music by John Williams
Cinematography Maz Kanata
Edited by Lor San Tekka
Distributed by Disney
Release date(s) December 15, 2017  (2017 -12-15)
Running time 450 minutes
Country United States
Language English
Box office $1,332,539,889

“I mean, what I had to try and make sense of the scenario based on my view of the character... he was the most idealistic character he was the most optimistic character...I said you know even if I did something ghastly like picking the wrong young student that I would redouble my efforts I wouldn't just go off to an island for 30 years. But, that's not my job I have to do what I can do the best to realize the vision of the writer in this case Rian Johnson. So, I mean it had to it was tough on me because it's you know I was old-school George Lucas and you have to make way for the new generation. I had to figure out how can I best make this work and there's lots of that story I made up for myself, that wouldn't concern the audience in any way and that's when I made the analogy of the Beatles generation, where all you need is love and in effect, in a way, we failed because I think the world is worse than it was then.”

~ Mark Hamill's thoughts on Luke's actions

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi is a 2017 American epic space opera film directed by Ryan Rian Johnson. It is the eighth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, somehow the second in the sequel trilogy, the eighth in terms of internal chronology, and the first in terms of everyone finally admitting that the series had lost it yet again.

The film was solely given (if you can believe it, because there are conflicting reports) to Rian Johnson, who was given no notes, no structure, no outline, and full creative control to subvert your expectations. It suffered from the death of Carrie Fisher, the pain of disillusioned fans, and Mark Hamill telling the press-cleared-with-Disney[1] that he "fundamentally disagreed" with every choice taken by his character in the script.

Children of all ages saw The Last Jedi, and many parents were relieved that a fun-filled (albeit maybe a little dark) space romp could help them with their escapist fantasies, only to find that the movie had themes of terrorism, apathy, arguments about ideologies, mass murder, hopelessness, the war economy, and subverted expectations. It was reported in China that upon viewing the film, almost all the moviegoers believed that their intelligence had been insulted. To this day, this post-modern art piece is argued over by thousands of experts and nerds trying to figure out if it was actually good or not.


Warning: The following description contains may or may not contain spoilers, because who knows what they are going to retcon in Rise of Skywalker. There is no crawl also, because it literary starts right after the last one.

Due to this film giving the viewer cinematic whiplash,[2] the section below has been divided in three, to cover each plot separately.

Hyperspace-Ramming Route[edit]

Despite being 30+ years since the end of the terrible evil Galactic Empire, which the good people of the Rebel Alliance sweated blood and tears to defeat after many losses, it seemed a really great idea to all the people of the New Republic to grow complacent in the memory of this evil and essentially let the remnants of the Empire coalesce into what is now the First Order. That way, the Republic is able to save money by not funding any fleets or self-defense forces and paving the way for evil to once again take over. After all, why remember the past at all? It's not like there's anything to learn by realizing the evil forces if left unchecked ever could present a threat again. By the way, those Resistance people are idiots for even trying to fight the First Order, so let's definitely not fund them or rescue them at all at any point in the movie. Great idea!

Somehow, no-one noticed that Plotkiller Base was built, a construction operation which would have taken the resources of innumerable engineers, scientists, workers, and the resources of an Empire, probably more so since it was built into a planet itself. It makes sense that while all the previous versions of the Republic were able to keep close watch and discover all the previous Death Stars, that they would simply forget about this notion and not keep close watch again for any other weapons of this type being built. It really makes perfect sense when you think about it. Yes, forgetting about the past is the best defense against evil, so let's just stick our heads in the sands like ostriches, shall we?

It turns out the Resistance got doxxed by the Galactic Government mere moments after it was confirmed that they blew up a planet[3] which housed Starkiller base. The First Order get to order their regiments to the planet first as the other galactic paramilitaries are currently searching for survivors from the six planets that were blown up in the last movie, which is why they are never seen. A Dreadnaught™ appears during the last stages of the evacuation and Poe "Maverick" Dameron is dispatched to negotiate a ceasefire by prank call.[4] After a nice dogfight - made possible by BB-8 mutilating itself to keep the broken ship putting along - Poe is having this wonderful winning streak and feeling good, calls in every single bomber to quote "Bomb the shit outta them". Commander Leia is unable to convince the bombers to stay away and even though the evacuation had been completed has to hold her ground.[5]

The Bombers comically explode, along with the Dreadnaught™. The Resistance ships jump into hyperspace and get away. However, the First Order is able to find them in seconds and continue the assault. Now, understandably you'd think it'd be the Force powers of Snoke or a Spy[6] that gave it away their location. Turns out technology advanced and the ships have a special tracker.[7]

Something, something. Leia court marshalls General Holdo for her inability to lead and leaves her behind on the ship to die, as it is almost out of fuel and about to be consumed by the First Order's ship.

The Phantom-Meanance Induced Flashback Sequence[edit]

Details about the plot have been glossed over, look we ain't Wikipedia alright. Go and watch for yourself and you'll see why trying to summarise 450 minutes is a bad idea. Alternatively, just read about it here .

Lava-Rose Girl and Shark-Finn Boy head to off-world planet to find the a guy who can disable it, but end up illegally parking their ship on a popular beach area without a tourist visa and wind up in jail. Here, this con man strings them along, manages to not only get paid to break into the First Orders ship but do the ethical thing, inform them of the various flaws (security and scanning systems), hand over the rebels resisters, get them executed and make a shit ton more money from that within the space of twenty minutes.

Jedi Training? More like, No Ex-plaining![edit]

Some Porgs set off the grenado-roni

Luke receives what he believes to be a grenade from Rey, calmly throws it off the cliff behind him and walks off back home. It takes Rey takes three screen-wipes to realise that Luke has become a crack-pot conspiracy theorist hermit. He doesn't care about Han anymore because he walked out on his sister, he believes that the Jedi ⁠— according to several outdated texts about them that he's found over his travels ⁠— were inherently evil, and he now lives off a diet off whale meat, cabbage, and green milk, because the planet's blue milk (ocean water) tasted salty.

Luke also had set Kylo Ren down his dark path but ultimately blames him for not letting him explain why he was watching him sleep back when he was still his apprentice. Rey FaceTimes Kylo to get the truth and confronts Luke who just tells her to go away. In a moment of rage she takes all of the scared texts and flies off to deal with Snoke herself. Luke, the greatest Jedi who ever lived, found it necessary to backtrack on everything the writers made his character stand for, and essentially give up on helping the Republic. It's not as though he's had any experience at all before with helping someone with their Dark Side; he practically remained at his father Darth Vader's side till the end, never giving up on the good within him. He refused to destroy him outright. Therefore, it only makes sense that Luke would give up on his entire life's meaning and sit down while evil Kylo Ren reigns supreme. Even he realized that expending all of his last strength projecting his soul to another planet to win one battle (rather than the war) was strategically brilliant and the best way to leave the Resistance survivors stranded and without help.

Then some confrontation happened, but it got cut short when Commander Holdo leant on the accelerator and ploughed through Snoke's ship, brutally decapitating him. In the midst of all this chaos, it became suddenly clear that light-speed ramming is somehow here-to-fore unimaginably effective against entire fleets of ships. Why this brilliant strategy previously never occurred to any person ever in the history of the entire galaxy is a mystery, yet it remains one of Admiral Holdo's greatest achievements and contributions to the good scrappy Rebels Resistance, which at this point is now comprised of a few light escape craft with a few dozen malnourished tourists. How these poor refugees plan to save Han Solo's vacant spice tycoon empire, one will never know, but it's the best we've got. In the confusion, Rey gets away and Kylo gives the order to end the Resisters once and for all.

While all that was going on, Luke is getting high off some distilled blue milk and sees Yoda, who berates him saying all sort of nasty things, like how he should kill himself because he's the old generation and the new should be able to rise up. Then a lightening strike sets the tree where the scared text and conspiracy ramblings used to be and Luke freaks out. Yoda dismisses him, saying "they weren't page turners" before Luke begins to rattle off why he's wrong because he spent a considerable amount of time reading them over on the island by himself. Through this mad recollection he remembers the crazy astral projection trick he'd learnt from the texts and quickly sobers up. Then he becomes the biggest anime troll of all time, his presence in the final battle of the film fooling everyone just long enough that he actually is helping them out, while not getting off his butt.

The remaining resistance members manage to run away and board the Millennium Falcon. At this point there are like 20 of them left and they are somehow happy. Rey shows Leia that the lightsaber broke and they have no plan, but Leia despite the loss of her solder, the loss of her allies that didn't aid them at all and the loss of her brother. She says,

“Rey, all we need to do is steal a couple of big cruisers, get droids to pilot them and hyperspace-ram every single First Order Ship and Base until none of them are left. Soon, we'll have everything we need.”

~ Neat summary of the next film


Oh, and Captain Phasma died.


Darth Disney hard at work writing The Last Jedi.

It all began when Darth Disney acquired the rights to the Star Wars saga. With the power of the universe now in her grasp, Darth Disney proceeded to set the record straight: who needs the truth when you can force-feed people the notion that in general, men are weak, incapable of leading themselves, cowards, or evil, and in no way can compete with Mary Rey Sue's unbelievably vast powers? Somehow, while growing up on Jakku, isolated and alone, it seems one can become an instant expert on the Millennium Falcon's core systems, even more than Han, practically it's lifelong owner. Rumor has it that Rey farted into the wind and the backblow granted her Force powers beyond the reckoning of even the best-trained Force users of all time, including Luke Skywalker. Apparently, the notion that an even remotely-powerful Force user needs any training at all was considered ridiculous in the storyboard phase and thankfully thrown out, along with George Lucas's original script.


Many fans were confused about the movie, so Ryan Johnson answered their questions on Tweeter. There were a ton. But here are the ones that got the most re-tweets.[8]
Why did you not follow up on any mysteries to The Force Awakens at all?
Simply because I was given nothing to work with, well, that not exactly true. J. J. Abrams actually wrote drafts for episodes 8 and 9, Daisy Ridley already talked about it, Disney didn't like them either. However, he was extremely impressed with my script that he wanted to direct it himself.

Who edited your script?
Carrie Fisher helped immensely, I went over to her house several times and we talked over the entire script. She was a wonderful writer, the sessions were a kind of stream of consciousness, similar to jazz poetry if you will.

Rey's parents are nobodies? But...why is she good at the force?
Ok. Ok. One second (produces computer), I did some brainstorming for Rey's origins and wrote down every single possibility in a document I like to call the “The Big Ass Document”[9] and some (laughs) were really ridiculous, so ranging from sane to insane:

  • She was a clone.
  • She was a time traveller
  • She was a daughter of the Emperor held in cryo-sleep since Episode 1
  • She was the reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker
  • She was originally part of Luke's New Jedi Order
  • She was a robot

I eventually settled on nobody because that was the last thing the audience to expect to give them a similar feeling of disbelief to the "I am your father" moment in Empire.

Where's Lando Calrissian?
See Episode 9, it's explained there.

Where's the Knights of Ren?
They were meant to be the Praetorian Guards, but they die so I didn't put them there. Snoke was seriously underdeveloped enough as it was, chucking more fuel on that fire would've been bad.


“Some people like this film and I agree. It just makes every single other film before it look wildly incompetent.”

~ Some film critic ignoring the milking scene, the Mary Poppins scene, Luke's Character, etc.

The movie was found to be more enjoyable by audiences who were less invested and not up to date with Star Wars cannon. It polarised many hardcore fans that a mass-boycott caused the ticket sales of the Han Solo film to plummet, with further calls to boycott the final episode in the Trilogy. Over in China the film lost in the Box Office to the rom-com sequel Ex-Files 3: Return of the Exes, then got steamrolled into the ground by Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Professor Morten Bay conducted a study on Tweeter and found that many negative reactions about the movie came from Russian trolls and bot accounts,[10] failing to take into account that Russians probably can watch the movie and understand/write in English pretty well. All in all, the film was found to be hated by every real Star Wars fan. Therefore anyone who liked it is a hypocrite only claiming to like Star Wars.

The Last Jedi was found by YouTube clickbait e-celeb commentators to be a political social-activist propaganda commentary documenting the adventures of Marey Sue and the Girl Power Agenda. "Between Leia Poppins, Marey Sue, the green titty milk scene, the casino planet, and Jake Skywalker, Darth Disney's destruction of the Star Wars saga is complete," jeered MIKE ZEROH. "Rather than release a Star Wars film, the producers realized it would be much funnier instead to use the film as a vehicle for forcing their ideology on the fans, rather than actually writing a great story," stated Geeks + Gamers. "In the meantime, critics applauded the film's casual suggestions that males in general incapable of good leadership (Pilot Poe), are essentially cowards (Finn), and that all quality male actor leads should be phased out (Han Solo, Luke Skywalker)," opined MauLer.

The $10,000 sequel[edit]

Just before you go, here's something extra for you.

Some time before Episode 8 released, on a HBO Charity program called Night of Too Many Stars aired. It featured in the past people raising money by bidding on objects (such as old props, memorabilia and celebrities' personal items that have been touched/used) or opportunities (like meeting a talk show host on set, going to have dinner with a celebrity, think Omaze). One such item auctioned off that night by J. J. Abrams was the covenanted Episode 9 script. People weren't very interested and the bidding was lacklustre until Rob Corddry strolled onto the stage announced that you'd also get the plot to Hot Tub Time Machine 3 and at that point everyone lost it. A young man going by the name Carlos Danger won it for $10,000. Stormtroopers proceeded to lock down the theatre and Carlos signed an Non-Disclosure agreement in his blood before heading up onto the stage. To ensure he didn't leak anything, the script J.J. had brought was set ablaze over its audible crackling he whispered the infernal secret. To stop lip-readers and directional microphones from figuring out what was said, the audience heard the plot of Sharknado 5[11] with undertones of the Hot Tub Time Machine 3 slapped in. This security measures didn't stop leaks from appearing anyway[12] and here's what is known about the last film:

  • It's got a lot of improvisation and a loser tone (confirmed by Oscar Isaac)
  • It'll pick up a year after this one so they have stuff to put in the title crawl (confirmed by John Boygea)
  • C3P0 loses R2-D2, who gets taken over completely by a crypto-mining program (semi-confirmed by Anthony Daniels)
  • Matt Smith is playing the key role of being the new villain (semi-confirmed by media reports)
  • Kylo Ren travels to Darth Vader's fortress on Mustafar (confirmed by crew)
  • Snoke is still alive because Kylo and Rey can still communicate over the Force, a power that Snoke painstakingly took time and effort to craft. Even chatting up Luke so he could consult the scared texts.(confirmed by the tie-in picture book for children)


  1. They were definitely cleared, as these same comments appear in the two-hour special on the Blu-ray release titled The Director and the Jedi.
  2. Cinematic whiplash (verb) – When a film keeps cutting back and forth between storylines without giving the viewer any warning, this can make continuity hard to keep track of.
  3. In the new cannon of Star Wars, it decreed early on after the fall of the Empire by politicians that any planet annihilation (one or more) is classified as a terrorist act. Them's the rules.
  4. Poe's ballsy hyperspace charge at the Dreadnaught™ is what later inspired General Holdo to do the same thing, except she forgot to hit the brakes.
  5. Leia was pretty grief stricken by this point, it is not mentioned in the movie...BUT in Star Wars Battlefront 2's Campaign DLC, Inden Erso sends the schematic of the Dreadnaught™ to Leia. She later shared this quitely with Poe, not releasing that they were mass-produced and operational.
  6. Behind the scene rumours have said that Rose Tico was meant to be a spy for the First Order. This would justify some decisions the character took, but ultimately it is not true.
  7. This special technology was first found by Stardust in Rogue One during the final act of the film, but Tarkin Initiative was still studying it and never completed the work due to the events of that film. General Armitage Hux (the guy who gets prank called at the start of this film) assembled a super team to apply the theory and create the tracker. Now while that may be easy part to understand, the actual process of how it works is A LOT trickier to explain. The scientists developed a static hyperspace field tracker by using baseline active-tracking measures set up the Empire. The first active tracker to achieve this was the Imperial XX-23-S3 single-ship tracker from series one episode eight in Star Wars Rebels. Those particular measures from the device could be mathematically extrapolated to a fleet going into hyperspace by first converting the sum of the nth rank of the Dovumen Matrix to its orthogonal plane measurement in the discrete number system to stop the propagation of rogue chaotic elements.
  8. These question in this section are legitimate exaggerated reworded responses that Ryan has actually answered.
  9. The author(s) would like to stress that the document's name is correct. Some examples given are not.
  10. Except in the paper Weaponizing the haters: The Last Jedi and the strategic politicization of pop culture through social media manipulation the study was limited to tweets only made at Ryan Johnson and only contained about 1273 tweets.
  11. A movie that had been out since August that year.
  12. Well, they only appear after filming started. Even though they used dark-red scripts to stop photocopying and flew out changes to these documents via the US Air Force.