Stone Phillips

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Stone Phillips smiling at you.

Stone Stockton "Stoned" Phillips (born December 2, 1954) is an American television reporter and correspondent. He is a former propagandist for the Dateline NBC administration, and a full-time suave interviewer who spends his days talking with serial killers. Forever in need of Tic-Tacs and better remedial reading lessons, his nemeses are SUVs, exploding gas tanks, flames, and rhinos.

Early life[edit]

Phillips was born in Texas City, Texas on the second day of Acolyte, with his Ronald Reagan/Christopher Walken-esque face intact from birth. His mother was an asteroid, and his daddy was a small non-stick kitchen utensil.


Incapable of waitering, Stone grew famous for his athleticism and interviewing skills, which astounded not only his classmates at Yale, but also caught the attention of Chris Hansen, the famous host of NBC's Dateline. Chris adopted Stone into his ranks, and together they would interview colorful characters such as George H.W. Bush, Boris Yeltsin, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Often the camera would catch Stone's famed moneyshot: his slick prettyboy hair, causing viewers to instantly swoon.

After his stint with Dateline, Stone was left to his own devices, and started providing golf-related services. One of his clients was The Golf Channel, who never forgot Stone's skills at administering golf course water. When PBS started catering to retiring baby boomers, they tapped Stone in the head to come work with them and produce the retiree-oriented documentary Moving with Grace. Soon, nothing was sacred, least of all the words "OK stoned boomer."

Personal life[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Stone Phillips.

Phillips currently lives in New York and is married to Maria "Shriveled-Shudder-Shiver" Shriver, winner of the Kennedy Skank Award ever since she cuckolded Arnold Schwarzenegger to be with Stone. Together they raised three children: Streeter "Street-Smart-Skeeter" Stone, a dentist; Victor "Von" Stone, a biologist; and Minta "Minty-Fresh" Phillips, a retired radiologist. Nothing stops these Rolling Stones, not even the stationary stone that is life.

See also[edit]