Stradbroke
Stradbroke (/ˈStraaaaadbook/) is a village in the billiard-table flat county of Suffolk, England. It lies only a few miles from the border with the imperial state of Norfolk, and even closer to the Greene King brewery in Bury St Edmunds. Suffolk and Norfolk combined make up the Kingdom of East Anglia, which used to be known as the "North Sea" until the Dutch came along and drained the land with their clever canals and windmills.
Stradbroke is located midway between Norwich and Ipswich, accessible from the coastal towns of Southwold and Aldeburgh at a short driving distance and large driving time. Stradbroke is near the small Suffolk town of Eye and the larger Norfolk border market town of Ear (which is an hour and a half by foot from Nose).
While inbreeding is still widespread in Norfolk (due to the only access being the A11 between Thetford and Norwich), it was made illegal in Suffolk to father one’s sister’s child from 1986, when the A14 became a dual carriageway and diesel replaced steam on the railway between Cambridge and Ipswich. Mules link the village to surrounding towns, but they are legally out-of-bounds as well. Stradbroke itself is only accessible through the reader's choice of the B1117 and B1118 (not shown on map), depending on preference in bodily organs, before detouring on the C25890 or D258913 (not shown on map either). This means that Stradbroke is Suffolk's inbreeding capital, compared to thumbing seven separate rides to arrive on a date in a town with an actual restaurant and a robust gene pool.
History[edit]
During the Middle Ages, circa 1175, prominent medieval philosopher Robert Grosseteste, also Bishop of Lincoln, was born in Stradbroke. There is little direct evidence about Grosseteste's education, other than his famous skill in being able to grow spuds the size of a baby’s head.
The village is dominated by All Saints' Church, which has a 15th-century tower. The tower remained the highest point in East Anglia until the construction of the Buttermarket shopping centre in Ipswich in 1992. Stradbroke serves as a natural focus for other surrounding smaller villages, providing the town with facilities inappropriately fine for its small population, including a race track for hopped-up Massey Fergusons, a running water tap, a statue of Stephen Fry and “lectrizity”, which is still viewed with suspicion by many locals, often describing it as “witches' magic”.
In the past, Stradbroke was intermittently known as Stradbrook. However, currently, access to water pales in comparison to access to capital.
Stradbroke today[edit]
Stradbroke serves as a centre of excellence for education in the mid-Suffolk region. There is both a Primary School and a High School in the village, each allotting ten square meters of fertile soil per child. Plough maintenance, fence repair and compost management dominate the classrooms. Purchase of a cutting-edge Combine Harvester simulator in 2001 made Stradbroke the first choice for parents, separating the 'wheat from the chaff' when it came to growing and nurturing Suffolk’s future farmers.
The opening times for the Village Post Office are easy to remember:
| Sunday | Closed |
|---|---|
| Monday | Closed |
| Tuesday | Closed |
| Wednesday mornings | Closed |
| Thursday afternoons | Closed |
| Friday | Closed |
| Saturday | Closed |
There are also two pubs, several shops and many other facilities including roads, a drove that is good for pike fishing and a maypole. Near the community centre there is also a druid’s hut, open every weekday for consultation on warding off evil spirits and offering free ointments for the control of warts. In 2012 a six-acre field was purchased on Drapers Hill and 28 allotments created together with a Community Orchard and a Wild Flower Meadow. A large pond was also donated at the top of the site for ducking witches and there are now four donated folding chairs for public use during this popular event. Visitors can bring their own camp chairs, to boot, with Planning Permission.
Stradbroke's online community radio station called Sugar Beet FM broadcasts duck racing live. The parish also has a monthly magazine, delivered free to houses in the parish, entitled The Stradbroke Monthly. There was talk of having a weekly magazine as well, but residents were stuck as to what to name it.
An active Borough Council is vigilant against unflattering material on amateur comedy wikis.
Things to do[edit]
- Stradbroke's very own music festival, the Stradisphere Music Festival, hosts a variety of banjo acts across two hay barns. It has been award-nominated nationally two years in a row, due to its success in bringing communities together while keeping Kanye West at arm’s length. Stradisphere is now an annual event comprising a committee of local residents, after complaints of progressive commercialisation since the attendance of a baked potato van in 2015.
- Winter Picnic is the brainchild of a local resident that culminates in burning an effigy of a certain Borough Councillor made entirely of marshmallow, a stark difference to the real thing. Winter Picnic lets participants freely express one's opinion — without the possibility of retorts and threats of legal action — regarding everything except the winter and perhaps picnics.
- Navy Day was held on the last Saturday in July. The event was unusual, because Stradbroke has no claim to the sea, except its location on an old sea bed — and its fervent hope that the sea will not claim its bed back anytime soon. Navy Day mourned the end of the Royal Navy's rum ration. As part of the celebrations, everyone stopped what they were doing and got sozzled. Since the event's cancellation in 2007, residents have to find other excuses for doing so.
See also[edit]
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