Subaru

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Subaru

It's coming to get you...
Majority owner:	Fuji Heavy Industries
Minority owner:	Sonic the Hedgehog
Basic diet:	Everything
Known For	Boxer engines, all wheel drive

“I have an STI. It's not a Subaru though...”

~ That Guy on STI

Subaru is owned by Fuji Heavy Industries and is one of the greatest car manufacturers in the world. It is renowned for producing all-wheel-drive cars that can cross a rugged terrain and negotiate a tricky parking manoeuver outside a Walmart.

Rally history

Subaru and their extensive lineup of cars are known for their ability to drive very quickly on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, or into a tree. Whichever it chooses first. This activity is called Rally Racing. Dirt is preferred as the traditional tarmac, while very smooth, can cause indigestion in some Subarus.

Famous Subaru drivers include, but are not limited to:

Ken Block

Ken Block bumbling about. Obviously, he has an extreme addiction to marijuana.

• This young fellow glided crashed violently into the rally scene with ease. His enourmous ego and aggressive style make him one of the most looked after Subaru drivers to date. To make an attempt to embed his values into the internet, he has loaded several quite nifty videos to youtube of him bumbling about an airfield with a cloud of smoke. All while driving a subaru. Unfortunately for his fans, Block now drives for Subaru's main prey, Ford. And the traitor still beats everybody.

Travis Pastrana

Travis's car after the flight. As you can see, it is in perfect condition and may have been improved by the incident.

• Pastry

• Travis Pastrana was the sidekick/teammate of Ken Block. While he wasn't an egomaniac like his comrade, he was a moderate psychopath. One day during the X-Games, after drinking 50 gallons of concentrated Red Bull and a bottle of vodka, he put on his crash helmet (backwards) and went sailling off of a dirt hill and landed on another dirt hill around 50ish feet miles away. Pastrana got out of his car (which had nothing but a scratch) and after having a relaxing drink of water, promptly had a massive stroke and was rushed to the hospital. While recovering, he was asked by a nosy reporter (probably Anderson Cooper, since he's everywhere) how he managed to place everything just right. To this, Pastrana replied that he was a genius of physics, however he found that he was better at calculations while influenced by copious amounts of caffeine and alcohol. The reporter then asked where he got his massive amounts of Red Bull. He remains at large.

Crazy Leo

Leo's Subaru moments before it decided to have controversial cosmetic surgery.

• This man's Subaru decided it no longer wanted to have an arse, therefore it quickly used a telephone pole to lop off its own posterior. He has no fear in crashing. In fact, he claims he enjoys it. Much speculation has been detected about Mr. Leo's sanity, however his psychologist can assure you, he is completely legit.

Colin McRae

Colin beats the piss out of a vehicle inferior to Subaru.

• The coolest, most badass man ever to drive a car. He was the supreme follower of Subaru, and was known to be extremely aggressive in Rally Racing, where he was known by the title: "Colin McCrash". This nickname would turn out as a bit of bad luck as in 2007, Colin McRae died in a helicopter crash. Rather unfortunate.

Performance Subarus

Because Subaru has a pedigree for Rallying heritage, they have produced a number of their race cars that have been adapted for road use. You could ask us why we aren't including all models in the Subaru lineup. Our answer to that would be no. These models embody what the brand is capable of and therefore are used as representatives for the product line as a whole are super cool, and we like them the most so you're just gonna have to deal with it.

Impreza WRX STI

The Impreza got extra points for hitting spectators

This car was taken directly off of the rally stage. Subaru introduced the Impreza in 1992 in an effort to compete in the very tight compact car segment. Subaru's motorsport's division crack team of mad scientists, STi (Subaru Technica international) and the Subaru world rally team quickly saw the Impreza as a great alternative to the aging Subaru Legacy that they had been using for races in years past. STi contacted out of house racing developer, Pro-drive [1] to help tune slap some stickers onto the Impreza for racing. The end result was a legendary success. The turbocharged boxer four cylinder engine produced 237 horsepower, and used a viscous coupling center differential to properly distribute power to each of the four wheels. All of this hardware complete with a massive hood scoop and Pro-drive's parts stickers made the plucky Impreza a force to be reckoned with on the Rally Racing stage.

Legacy 2.5GT Spec. B

Always hidden in the shadow of the car mentioned above, the Legacy 2.5GT Spec. B was designed primarily for the performance minded Subaru enthusiasts. Like the Impreza WRX, the Spec. B was a project created by STi, Subaru's in-house performance division, using the same formula that was used to design the Impreza WRX STI. They took a base model Subaru Legacy 2.5i, yanked out the engine, bolted a turbocharger, and then stuffed it back into the car. They also fitted Bilstein Shock absorbers and an enormous hood scoop to the front end. This is not the only performance-oriented Legacy that Subaru produced however, as a 3rd generation model set the coveted land speed record.

Other notable Subarus

There are no other subarus that are worth mentioning in this article except for the Impreza and it's morbidly obese brother, the Legacy 2.5i. Or the BRZ. But nobody likes to talk about him, as he was the bastard of a brief, unholy and quite traumatizing marriage with Toyota who was too lazy to get up off it's fat ass and design it's own original sports car. All toyota ever did in the relationship was drink beer and watch football.

Filthy lies about Subaru

"AAAA!"
~Mitsubishi on Being eaten by Subaru

Drivers of the Mitsubishi and the internet have tried to make people believe that only women and huge purple dinosaurs drive Subarus. While it is true that about 50% of men that drive subarus are, in fact, Homosexual women, this is a misconception that is due to the feminine styling of some of their cars.

The only notable specific lesbian that drives a subaru is of course, Ken Block. There is also a rumor running around the internet that the Subaru rally team is gone. While it is true that The Subaru World Rally Team has experienced budget cuts Castration, the Subaru rally team of America is still alive and kicking.

See also

• Japan
• STI