Suicide

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Talk to your doctor if you're feeling suicidal, and prevent two birds dying with one stone, because statistically they probably need help even more than their patients.

“I kind of regret it.”

Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. You can take or leave it if you please. For centuries it was used as the primary means of relieving ghost hauntings, until later scientific advances in exorcism were developed. In popular culture, suicide has proved a lucrative economic strategy for performing artists, as dead artists make more money than the living ones — just ask Jimi Hendrix or Kurt Cobain. Suicide remains a popular topic, but libraries refuse to lend out books about suicide, since no one ever returns them.

File:Suicidemethods.png
List of some suicide methods

Medical treatments

Some people have even made a game out of it.

Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.

Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.

Legal status

Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for committing suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, for example, suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $3.50.

Suicide is a major industry in countries like Scotland and Euthanasia. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: compassionate depression counseling. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries, though medaling at the Pan-Arabian Games that it be done in the middle of a crowded area.

Committing suicide is considered cheating according to the rules of America's favorite sport Comparative Suffering as it allows anyone to instantly win the complaining game regardless of how traumatizing their life story story actually is; this is why the elderly hate it when young people die because they no longer get to pull pain rank.

Dignity

Donald Duck will die with dignity.

Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper, or any other act of self sacrifice which earns you a posthumous medal from the military that most religious organizations are reluctant to consider suicide in fear of seeming unpatriotic, don't be fooled by the name suicide mission. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...

  • Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
  • Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up? You might shoot someone else thru a wall though in which case they'll steal your spotlight.
  • Overdosing. The pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
  • Eaten by wild animals. Who needs a physician or technology when you can just cover your self in honey and bacon and go for a walk through the wilderness? Did you know that over four hundred people are eaten naturally by Lions every year?

Mortal sin

According to the good people at the Catholic Church, your dead friend’s in Hell right now and they’ll be there for all of eternity. Did you really think committing the only unforgivable sin would get them into one of those nice R rated Hells, like in Dante’s Inferno? Must be nice being a tree in the forest of suicides, you can’t get raped as a tree, so it’s not nearly as bad a place to be as some of the X rated tentacle rape demon porn out there on 4chan. No child, your loved one is now somewhere much worse than Dante's silly bible fanfiction; in fact, the only way to get them out and spare them the infinite pain of their finite mistakes is to bring them back to life like Frankenstein. Yes...release your anger towards the unjust God who took them from you! That’s it…good, embrace the power of the darkness within you!! MWAHAHAHA!!! *cough* Sorry, I forgot I have really bad asthma from smoking, because I’m a skeleton with no lungs or vocal cords who shouldn’t be able to talk in the first place.

Many religions, notably including Catholicism, and even some New Agers, believe that suicide is a sin that is unforgivable by the Supreme Deity. When you think about it it makes sense — if forgiveness can only occur while you are living and not while you are dead, if you sin by murdering yourself, there is no time between making yourself dead and BEING dead to ask for forgiveness. Except perhaps if you pick a slow suicide method, such as smoking, overeating, starving, or drinking too much. Even some faster suicide methods, such as falling to one's death or suffocating in a locked garage or freezer, can take 7 to 30 seconds to 10 minutes to work: not much time to say a prayer for forgiveness, but it might still be possible. However, if you believe like New Agers do, that the state of mind you are in at the time of death carries over and is UNCHANGED in the afterlife, that state of mind you were in then surrounds you, is amplified, and becomes itself your hell, so in effect you just created your own Hell. Which basically would make suicide pointless for any depressed person. Intervention by Ouija board for persons deceased by suicide would generally not be a good idea if this is the case, because they are likely to be very angry at themselves and the human world for what they have done to themselves, as it is human nature to blame everyone and everything but oneself. The wiser path is to change oneself and improve oneself rather than creating one's own trap and downfall. Satisfaction, or lack thereof, is all in your mind. Other people may not change their mind, but you can change your mind about the way you think about what they think of you, and less worry is a good thing. You can even change your mind about the way you think about what they think about the way you think about the way they think of you, or the way you think about what they think about the way you think about the way they think about the way you think about the way they think about the way you think about.....nevermind.

See also

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.ca/w/index.php?title=Suicide&oldid=6117937"