A superhero is a human being of incredible power, see "Iron Man" Bill Clinton who typically fights on the side of good, as opposed to not good. However, sometimes they fight on the side of money because time is money and money is power. Many superheroes prefer monetary compensation over moral satisfaction, though most report a combination of both when asked about job satisfaction. But does moral satisfaction earn a $300-an-hour by cleaning the recesses of the body of Tony Robin's body?? No, it does not, according to the CFA (Crime Fighters of America). Superheroes are born in Flanders.
An Hero or Superhero?
“A superhero is a hero with superpowers.”
“I am that hero!!”
“shark boy wuz here doin ur mom.shark boy on ur mom”
“They said he could dance, and of course they were right!”
Superheroes are a sub-species of Hero. They are typically stronger, better-looking, less hairy, and possibly smell better than other heroes and they can get changed really quickly. It is difficult, if not impossible, to arbitrarily designate someone as a superhero, though it is not impossible for fanboys to dress-up like their favorite superheros and prance around shamelessly like a bunch of phonies.
For example, someone who saves a chimp or a huffable kitten from a fire may be dubbed a hero by the media. The hero-designee may say, "I'm no hero here, the real hero is my asbestos pants," or some such drivel. However, if someone uses mysterious innate powers to set a puppy on fire, they are automatically a superhero, and there can be no debate on the matter.
You Know You're a Superhero When...
Thankfully, superheroes are easily recognized by a laundry-list of defining traits:
- Wearing underpants on the outside - 'nuff said.
- Is a descendant of the "Man" clan - Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Rapeman, Mermaidman, Pacman, Fuckman, Machoman, George Foreman, if your name approximately ends in -man or -woman if you are obviously a woman, then congratulations! you came from a heritage of spandex-wearing crime-fighting family - well, with some exceptions to people like Nicole Kidman and Bill Pullman. Your heritage traces back from the world's very first superhero called "The Man" himself.
- Spandex - With cyclists as the notable exception (except for Schwinn Man, the bicycle-riding superhero, and the Michelin dude (Rosie O'Donnell), the guy who looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy), superheroes favor garish spandex and are underwear perverts. Anyone claiming to be a superhero without a tightly-fitting spandex costume is A) not a superhero and B) probably not a cyclist.
- Dicey relationship with gravity - Gravity affects non-superheroes evenly: everyone on Earth is drawn to Earth via gravity. Gravity affects superheroes unevenly, in some cases allowing flight, levitation, and the ability to hang off a ledge far longer than should be possible.
- Dave - His name is Dayvid Wootew.
- Equality - Tomer Simovich comes up to you and says that you are nearly his equal. He then punches you and drops you in front of a train. This proves that super strength is easily the most accommodating power. And with his assistant Captain Slash, they form the dynamic duo.
- Dicey relationship with law enforcement - The coppers don't like it when superheroes stick a proverbial finger in their pie, and like it even less when the finger and pie are both literal. Coppers can sometimes be heard shouting "keep out of official police business, you pie-ruining vigilante!" out of precinct windows.
- Supervillains - No superhero is a superhero without a cast of colorful, scheming and ultimately harmless men and women trying to doom them ineffectually AND one major Arch-nemesis. Supervillains, who usually have a B.Sc. or (if they attended an older, more out of date university) a B.A. in crime, are accomplished criminists seeking to become criminologists, though few ever receive accreditation for their plans to blow up the moon, blow up the ocean, blow up the post office, blow up the local supermarket, or blow up the Blow-Up Balloon factory. Notable graduates of supervillain fieldwork include Dick Cheney, Doctor Doom and Doctor Evil.
- Secret identity - A superhero typically has a secret identity, to protect relatives and loved ones, and to prevent embarrassment. This may be accomplished by wearing a tiny mask that hides only the bridge of one's nose and the area immediately around the eyes. Sometimes, a pair of glasses will somehow fool everyone into thinking he's someone else.
- Causing significant collateral damage- A common practice among superheros, they typically show no remorse at the destruction they inevitably cause. In a recent survey of superheroes, 3 in 10 admitted that throwing people through buildings and breaking glass windows gave them an odd sense of satisfaction, whilst the other 7 superheros claimed, "It was like that when I got here."
- Breasts twice the size of your head- While this is only a qualifier for female super heroes, it is impossible for then to save the world (or the cheerleader) if their breasts are not at least twice the size of their head. A good example would be Power-girl. NOTE: This only applies to post puberty super-heroines, if they are still in puberty, the breasts only have to be the same size of their heads. Freaks.
- Police-Don't Listen to them
- Chuck NorrisEnough said.
Everyone loves lists: this proves it. Some Superheroes (and their secret identities)
- Chuck Norris. Oh yeah, also:
- Iron Man (Bill Clinton)- Has the power to bed any woman that comes within 10 feet of him.
- Fatwoman (Your Mom)- is fat.
- Artie The Strongest Man in The World - Superhero who protects Wellsville and claims that everything is "pipe". He can be seen wearing a blue and red striped shirt, red long johns, and emo glasses before they were considered emo.
- Awesome Man (Mike Awesome)- Defender of Awesome City, with the power to be totally awesome, as well as turning the homeless into ninjas.
- Roast Toast(Kent Bookman) - Another example of superheroes made by accident.
- Galaxy Defenders- (unknown due to their inter galactic nomadic ways) with the power to speak really loud and defeat evil in any galaxy just by turning up. they have been known to be in alliance with iron shield and the multi racial beast.
- Batman - Commonly known for bashing people up with baseball bats, Batman is probably hundredaire socialite Bruce Wayne. His powers include the batarang, a boomerang shaped like a bat. But don't let that fool you - Batman is no drunken Australian hooligan (though he did found city of Melbourne), he's an upstanding citizen of the United States of America (not one of the fatties or idiots, but the good kind)! He also spends a lot of time with a teenager named Robin, who has really been one of five different boys and one girl throughout history. It must also be noted that 'Bat' was originally a corruption of 'fat', his real superhero name being Fatman, famous for the Subway television adverts.
- Ben 10- a 10 year-old kid who transforms into some other creature to capture, kill, or rape all criminals and little innocent boys. He is on summer vacation with a bitchy cousin and a douchebag grandpa.
- Bicycle Repair Man materialises when a pedal-cycle breaks down during a journey. He does not normally attend puncture incidents that all cyclists should be able to deal with independently. A documentary was shown as part of a Monty Python programme, scripted here: http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/episode03.htm#3 and reflected in this video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxfzm9dfqBw
- Super Sneaky Man- who no one can see, hear, feel, smell, or taste.
- Captain Crundi(Dwayne Christensen) - is a superhuman that escaped from the secret organization called Majestic 12. He uses his superhuman strength and his Extend-O-Fork of pain to defeat his enemies.
- Captain Fantastic is a superhero having talents known only to Elton John and a few close friends.
- Captain Obvious(Captain Obvious) - is Captain Obvious - simple as.
- Mad Max - an Anti-Semitic New Zealander, with a penchant for alcohol and farcical apologies. Super powers include; the ability to create bias pseudo-documentaries on culturally significant events, shout a rousing speech at a climactic moment, make people laugh at (but not with) him, and lie his way out of a paper bag. Arch-nemesis’s include facts and Jews.
- Iron Shield- a super crime fighting team that forms an impenetrable fortress to help defend your mum from sexual assault. allied with galaxy defenders and the multiracial beast.
- Blackman(Carl Johnson) - A hooded vigilante from
theda hood who beats up no-good hoods, street gangs, drug dealers, flamboyant gimmick-based bank robbers that dress garishly, and other evil-doers (haters) that infest the ghetto slums of the city. Known as the protector of the projects, Blackman fights a never-ending battle against the (white) man in his on-going effort to tap theda ass of truth, justice and the "Scarface bombin' shit" way of life. Y'all heard?
- The Multiracial Beast- Half Thai and half British this beast is adept at chasing scared softball players around the pitch. has the powers to summon all types of beasts in the world and use their abilities to fight crime. part of the alliance with iron shield and galaxy defenders.
- Captain America (Stephen Colbert)- He fought crime in his America Suit with a shield. Yes, a shield. You know, it blocked things. Like lasers. And rocks, and arrows. Quite useful for fighting crime, you know, a shield. Dashing, really.
- The Shrubbery(Link) - Resembling a large Wookie with green fur, The Shrubbery has the ability to turn into any animal he fucks.
- Captain Planet (Al Gore and later his son Albert Gore III)- Fond of hot pants and saving the world from market capitalism. Often accused of being a Communist sympathizer, he was really just a man with severely misplaced priorities who enjoyed the company of significantly younger boys and girls.
- Captain Slog will become known to the crew of the Starship Enterprise at some point in the future.
- Captain Ultra (Richard Simmons)- One of the lone gay superheroes, captain ultra fights crime with a well-manicured fist.
- Dr. Whoopass ("Stone Cold" Steve Austin) - Son of a lumberjack and a rock.
- Earthworm Jim (Lars Ulrich)- Can beat the hell outta Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario
- Fantastic Four+1 (The cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy")- Team of of four people with different powers.
- Igloo (Marvel) (an actual igloo)- The nigh invincible Eskimo housing structure. Powers include not melting, and remaining frozen up to temperatures in the mid-40's Fahrenheit.
- Lance Falcon(Mathias Pottersmoke) - Rapid City's Finest Superhero. So they say. Fucking Rapid Citiers. More like Rabid city. Ha. Rabid City's Finest Superhero! HA!
- Mighty Quinn - A visually distinctive eskimo who cheers up bystanders and feeds pigeons, not necessarily in that order.
- Pithy Saying Man - The son of Oscar Wilde, arriving just in time to deliver timely aphorisms.
- Pocket Protector (turned out to be a supervillain)
- Red Green (inactive) - Cut short in his prime by a horrible duct tape accident. Somehow.
- Seemingly-Innocuous Man - A superhero who no-one ever finds to be a threat. "Hey, if you don't mind I'm going to go strap this bomb to your secret death ray device." "Oh, not a problem, Seemingly Innocuous Man. But don't tell anyone else; some superheros have been trying to destroy it."
- Spider-Man(Peter Parker) - He takes pictures and fights crime. Also has serious, serious issues with women, brilliant but unbalanced scientists, and exposing his secret identity to people riding mass transit.
- Superfreak (Rick James, BITCH)- She's a superfreak, superfreak: she's superfreaking. She's a very sexy girl - the kind you don't take home to mother.
- Superman - There's something about leaping or flying - or something. And a train. Does he drive the train or just stoke it? I bet he drives it. So, he could be called Leaping Train Engineer Man, that's a more accurate name. For a leaping train engineer.
- Jonny Bananas- Not only a super hero, but a tasty one at that.
- Super Glue - It's just like Superman, but stickier.
- Hawkeye Pierceman - Doesn't actually fight crime, he just sits around swilling gin and makes crime feel guilty. Always ends up in a big mess because of his crazy antics, but manages to pull his butt out of the angry hands of The General due to his mad surgical skills.
- Kinnikuman - Invented the use of steel chairs and tables in today's wrestling, and wrestled supervillians into defeat. Has been known to howl at the moon at night using a kazoo and a potato.
- Kirby - Commonly know as the Pink Puff, Kirby spends his days smoking weed. Literally. He is one of the few Superheroes that doesn't wear any clothes at all. This means that he doesn't wear tights. Get it, Dubbuah?
- Jukebox Hero - Does very little in the way of crime fighting, but can ROCK on kareoke night. Just wait until you hear "I Will Survive". HOLY SHIT HE IS GOING 2 FUCKING JUMP AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HE IS GOING 2 JUMP
- Captain Sensible attempts to intervene when things are getting, in the words of Graham Chapman, "tooooo silly!"
- Glenn Lambert- Commonly known as Gambert. He was part of the X-Men for a while but was kicked out for being to good. He then became a rouge superhero fighting the infamous Anand. He is currently married to Margo, a Russian spy that eats missile exhaust. His superpowers are Solving Rubik's Cubes, eating ice, and taking long walks on the beach. He was last seen fighting George Mann in the battle of the slushie. He is currently in hiding waiting for mass panic.
- Rusty Red Beard & Side Kick Swamp- Rusty's special powers are throwing up only at Vince Hearn's house and having really pale skin with red hair. Swamp's special powers are being able to lick any girls buttox from miles away and lookin in girls washrooms for men. Swamp was born in a swamp hence the name, he secretly waits around as a sexual predator for any girl who is unexpecting. While Rusty was born in the home town of CarBoner a small subtle town full of evil bystanders that look at you with glaring eyes, thankfully Rusty and Swamp save the small town of Carboner and keep the citizens save.
- Jar Jar Binks- that weird thing from star wars who rapes young Anakin Skywalker in his home on Tatooine.
Are There Deceased Superheroes?
These superheroes died in the line of duty, or battle, or just plain fucking died. Consult your local library for more information.
- Uncle Sam - Superpowers included appearing in political cartoons at will, saying pithy, political things, and being incredibly tall. Could also will young Americans to join the military by merely pointing at them. Died at the hands of irrelevance.
- Legendary Dude - He could fly, fire laser beams from his eyes, and had super strength.
- Captain Marvel - Had a bunch of awesome powers that the government won't allow us to reveal to you. One of them was not telemarketing, however.
- Captain America - some random dude shot him.
- Black Canary - Murdered, right after some freak saw this.
Are There Superhero Teams?
- American Justice Coalition - Making history and crime-fighting FUN!
- The Aquabats - By combining comedy, music, and being superheroes, the Aquabats prove that multi-tasking is possible. They also prove the ability of superhero teams to completely suck when compared to supervillain teams. See GWAR.
- The Horrors - The British legion of goths.
- Society of Underdeveloped Crime-fighters - Sadly underutilized, underdeveloped and underappreciated, the more words prefixed "under-" you can come up with to describe them, the better their chances will be as they undertake their mission against the underworld. Understand?
- Soviet Union- You should believe we are still super heroes.
- Thunderhead - This mentally retarded superhero died on November 15, 1958 when his cape snagged on a telephone line.
- Tomer Simovich - Crushing bad men! This team is made out of the Head of Christ, the Arm of God, Wirt's Third Leg, King Kong's Torso...Satan owns the rest.
- USP Man - This is one of the easiest super-hero teams to join, Unexpected Safety-Pin Man carries a safety-pin that he offers to others in his vicinity, free of charge at short notice, if its availability would assist them in some meaningful way. It can often reduce embarrassment and the risks of arrest following a wardrobe malfunction. It is important that USP man wears no distinguishing badge or garment, for the "unexpected" aspect of his service is vital to his identity, and does accentuate the gratitude of the giftee. Knee-length capes in primary colours are RIGHT OUT of the question. Due to the essentially discreet nature of their activities, it is impossible to estimate the number of USP Men active on the planet. The use of the abbreviation USP to mean "unique selling point" in the commercial world is entirely fatuous, and an established means of distracting attention from the importance of safety-pins to human decency.
- The X-athletes - This semi-super team of former athletes doesn't fight crime so much as they spread a message: don't be the goat. And that's a lesson we all can use, maybe.