Swasticow

Austria's most dangerous DJ's. Hanz pictured right and Vern left. Performing Live in Vienna 2007)

Swasticow make music, Swasticow know where you live, Swasticow know how many of their records you haven't yet bought.

Hanz Fredrick Olo and Vern Ludvig Icular make up the experimental Austrian Antisemetic dance troupe known as Swasticow. Swasticow spat in the face of taste, and shat out basslines that have literally reshaped modern society.

Doltovan a mutual friend, introduced the two in 87, what followed was a peaceful drug fueled night followed by the release of the greatest song to charge out of Austria since Ride of the Valkyires. The song, "Gate of Time" brought down the Berlin wall, (Swasticow later publicly aplogised for this) the song's creator Doltovan was also tragically brought down, as he fell into a coma moments after the song was recorded. The boys grew up on the same street, but didn't actually meet until University.

“I might have found this funny when I was 12... probably not though.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“Swasticow kicked my dog”
~ Oscar Wilde

“Swasticow aren't antisemtic, but they're open to new things.”
~ Tom Verini

“Listening to this band is like listening to the RosettaSstone, if it could play. It's all going on, even though it looks a bit like nonsense and without it we wouldn't have a clue what the ancient egyptians were on about. Good tunes as well.”
~ Nigel Waters

Swasticow Trivia[edit]

Hanz is only 80% tone deaf.
Swasticow is the only band in the world to have an equal following from both Gay Pride, and Skinhead Pro-abortionists.
Vern watches a happy happy "Snu Snu" tape" to calm down.
Hanz has the 2nd largest horse whip collection in Europe.
David Hasselhoff wrote Cartuffle Shatsi, but Swasticow converted it and won an Einestienium record before his version was released.
Celine Dion sued Swasticow for using her B track vocals in their track Mountain Love.
Swasticow has received over 300 Einesteium records, 300 more than anyone else in the music industry.
After discovering Physics and inventing Gravity, Swasticow also released the worlds first pencils.
Swasticow do not play live music when they gig, since you cannot improve upon the perfection of a Studio Album.
Swasticow has outsold Mozart's record sales.
You will not be admitted to a Swasticow gig without a glowstick.
MasterAce records also represent the composer Genrikh Matusovich Vagner.
Hanz insists on walking in slow motion though airport arrivals.

Volkswagen - the internet phenomenon[edit]

Swasticow's cult-like status spread like a plague or Virus. When I think of it, it was probably more like a virus, I don't actually know the difference, after this I'm going to go check out Virus. The lesser known Swiss car company Volkswagen re named itself in honer of the video hoping to ride the success achieved by the Cow, the company eventually brought out the mini in 2005 to limited commercial success. Volkswagen: the music video was eventually uploaded via a youtube to them internets. The Volkswagen single was widely commended for its frivolous & extravagant music video and its stirring use of the Swasticow Bassline.

The Bassline[edit]

A common misconception about Swasticow is that they invented the bassline, this isn't in fact true - they merely perfected it.

DU DA DU DA DU DA DU DA
(then you go higher)

 DU DA DU DA DU DA DU DA
(then you go higher)

DU DA DU DA DU DA DU DA
(then you go higher)
 
DU DA DU DA DU DA DU DA
 CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED

Nobody except Vern can finish the Bassline.

Swastigate[edit]

The 89 Swastigate was in relation to Hanz's "surprise sex" encounter with 3 gypsy women in Berlin. Whereas the more recent use of the term was in relation to the Breakup which lead to a on-stage fight, followed by 4 deaths in the moshpit and a 3 day riot in Detroit Michigan. A Statue has been erected.

Crusin the Bahn - 2007 Documentary[edit]

The 2007 film delves into the hidden depths of Swasticow's turbulent career. It explores the global ramifications of their actions, connecting the dots, and giving fans a rare insiders' perspective of the break up.

The film is narrated by Sir Ian McKellen

Notably the film featured irreverent interviews with the seldom "used" Swasticalves, recent managers Reinheart, Tom Verini of New Jersey fame and Fredrick Kraff a man who endures permanent voice damage after a tragic Helium balloon accident. The film also features Henry Gustav the "director with a revolver" which he claims to have shot Michel Gondry with.

Also making an appearance is assistant roadie Richie Smyth, who shifted the tours main mode of transport from truck to Horse after a massive pile up in Italy, this drastically lowered the carbon footprint but vastly enlarged the dead horse footprint. The Film also features the famous critics Nigel Waters editor of Sub Music Express magazine and his arch nemesis Fredrick Hatt author of the conspiracy book The Swasticode.

Swasticow have employed nearly 40 managers in half as many years. Having made headlines for questionable political views, Swasticow have turned heads and worried liberals whilst bending the rules of taste and breaking the taboos of music since Gate of Time exploded onto the faces of Austrias youth in 1987.

The film featurs never before seen footage including the infamous unreleased music video Mountain Love, which caused a riot when it was premiered in a prison in Poland. The documentary team have seeped through years of material and conduced their own exclusive interviews with critics, fans, managers and of course Hanz Fredrick Olo, and Vern Ludvig Icular themselves. The film will whet appetites of hardened music-o-philes and newcomers to The cow alike.

The film has yet to be released but has already been banned in Austria and Saudi Arabia.

Pidgeon Youth Association Riot of 2004[edit]

During Swasticow's Tour in aid of the P.Y.A. (Pigeon Youth Association) 24 tragically were trampled to death in Luxembourg, 28 percent of the annual mortality rate. Several Swasti-fans made a dash for the stage spurred on by several haulage horses which broke from their stable moorings. The tour was an unmotivated contractual agreement the band had entered into after the much scoffed Ratte Vogel single was released. The record supposedly was written, recorded and released by Swasticow in the midst of a 3 day crack binge.

91% of the culprits taking part in the 04 pit riot composed of pigeons and large women who claim belong to a cult known as 'Russia'. In this cult, The Bible, God and the equalivent of Jesus are replaced with Swasticow. This state of madness has been later diagnosed as 'Mad Cow Disease'. Listeners enter into trances with the sole purpose of attempting to touch, be near, or try to take home certain parts of Swasticow's members. It is believed that the members that often try to cook Hanz or Vern are merely trying to eat the body of Christ.

Take me on the Autobahn[edit]

While Swasticow's hit single Volkswagon is took the world by storm, after their European Summer tour began - starting in thier home town of Linz, Austria, they then headed to Berlin before coming to Dublin Ireland this weekend and performing in the George one of Dublin's hottest Nightclubs. As a result of their 2nd singles sucess Hanz and Vern are cashing in and have quickly followed up their EP Can you Deny with - Take me on the Autobahn. Check out the new single now, if your in a club hearing it - it makes you cream yourself aparently. Rough Translation of the lyrics is now online too. (High Pitch Girl) You make me sick, you make me sick, you make me sick Oooh - Ah - Potatoe Darling, 1 2 3 4, uh - Yeah Potatoe Darling 1 2 3 4. Austria Rules over all, Austria Rules over all, Austria on the motherway with Swasticow Rules over all, Jump my guns, Jump my guns, Jump my guns on the Moterway with Swasticow - who rules over all. Listen out for Vern Singing Oh No in the background also.

Mountain Love[edit]

This is a very experimental album for Swasticow, it's been an emotional year. But the recent release and subsequent failure of Brokeback Mountain to win best picture prompted Hanz and Vern to release this extremely emotional song that fuses Austrian Trance with American Country Western, somthing nobody has been bold enough to do for a decade. Cottten Eye Joe by Rednex sets the standard and Swasticow as ever pushes the envelope. Featuring Guest Vocals by Celine Dion.

Dancin' Dancin'[edit]

After 20 years of unmeasurable success, Swasticow turned their sights towards their 3 critics, launching what has been dubbed "the most monged, but agressive dance track since Swasticow invented the word Dance long before I was born" so if that, couped with the fantastic album cover don't make you want to cream yourself, I don't know what it'll take.... This is an avant-guarde regressive introspective piece from hanz and vern, and while it may not be a traditional dance track, it gets its point across - by literally telling you what to think. babies everywhere can now enjoy "Dancin Dancin".

Uber Alles[edit]

Following the critically acclaimed Mountain Love, Swasticow's fractured fan based yearned for a more tradional Swasticow sound on their next single, the fans got it, but they got more, once again revolutionizing the world of hardcore dance, Swasticow drew from their largest fan base, Japan. The Final solution was clear, to ally with the Japanese and churn out a record that would literally take over the world. Hanz and Vern did it again.

Cow[edit]

Swasticow segue into the realm of lyric intensive Trance. COW truly is a song for people who like Swasticow's music but want to try something new that's pretty different and might actually make them change their mind about Swasticow's other, more established music, which let's face it is pretty different to COW, which is this song. COW. Swasticow now insist this track play before they enter rooms, usually though not always entering after it has played in entirety. Cowabunga, dude!

Swasticology[edit]

Note Swasticow refuse to release Albums, that doesn't stop them charging Album prices for Single releases.

Gate of time
Take me on the Autobahn (Cartuffle Shatsi LP)
Uber Allies
Mountain Love
Ratte Vogel
The Cow Album (contained one 2 minute track)
Bring the Cow
Operation Cow
Cow me all night Long
Crusin' The Bahn Origional Sound Track
Can You Deny? (Volkswagon LP)
Dancin' Dancin'
Prance

References[edit]