The O'Reilly Factor, Tuesday May 13, 1865

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[Intro with voiceover: "On today's The O'Reilly Factor: "Healthcare? Hell no!", with your host, William O'Reilly."]
Welcome to The O'Reilly Factor. I'm your host, William "Wild Bill" O'Reilly...

William O'Reilly: First up; what in our Lord and Savior's good name is the President attempting to pull, anyway? Now, I'm a regular guy just like you, but this so-called "healthcare bill" that's making its way through the Capital confusitizes me greatly.

It's over a thousand pages long. One thousand! That's one thousand pages of parchment that can't be used for my new book, O'Reilly for Persons Uncapable of Reading. Granted, I haven't personally read it, but my expert research team tells me that they were told by anonymous contacts in Congress that it is most definitely and deplorably one thousand pages long! A proposed bill that is incapable of being written in ten words or less is no proposed bill at all!

Joining me now is Republican Speaker of the House, Schuyler Colfax. Mister Colfax, welcome to the show...

Schuyler Colfax: I am emgladdened to be of service, William.

O'Reilly: Can you explain this so-called "bill" to our audience?

Colfax: No. A more bafflingly circuitous and addlingly befuddling bill has never before been seen in this Great Nation, William...

O'Reilly: So what you're saying is that it, in the main, greatly resembles something that the French would come up with?

Colfax: Indubitably, William. And it not only "greatly resembles", but it does so in an exacting and scrupulous manner. Clearly, the O'bama...

O'Reilly: "Obama".

Colfax: Yes. My apologies...the Obama administration is trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the Great American people. I hear that he's a Yankee, to boot.

O'Reilly: A Yankee? From what I understand, he's a negro.

Colfax: A negro!? I thought the illustrations in the newspaper seemed a bit dark!

O'Reilly: Yes. More on that at the end of the program. Please carry on.

Colfax (clearly flustered): This nigra is tryin' to collectivisate the enhealthification, not only for those who can afford the cost, through the monetary rewards of their own hard labor, but also for the poor, who labor not, and the nearly poor, who labor not enough!

O'Reilly: The heck, you say!

Colfax: Indeed. He plans to do it through collectivization, by taxing the most and giving it to the least.

Colfax: Outrage!
O'Reilly: Indecency!
Colfax: Dysfunction!
O'Reilly: Impertinence!

O'Reilly: Irritation!

Colfax: Onomatopoeia!

O'Reilly: Dyspepsia!

Colfax: Cohabitation!

O'Reilly: Podiatry!

Colfax: Undeniably so. Also, socialized health care will be a boondoggle of legerdemain, due to the incompetence of the government.

O'Reilly: Yes, and it will also be so devilishly effective that it will drive private insurance companies, private doctors, private hospitals, private mortuaries and enbalmeries...even private patients out of business.

Colfax: Most definitely, my good man. In my worst nightmares, I envisage a future government that, too, socializes other things best left private, like fire brigades! Try to imaginate for a moment what that would be like: hundreds of incompetent bureaucrats fighting fires from behind their desks!

O'Reilly: I tremble at the thought!

Colfax: Apoplexy!

O'Reilly: Indigestion!

Colfax: Eructation!

O'Reilly: Haberdashery!

Colfax: In additionation to my previous points...

O'Reilly: I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut you off there for this commercial break...

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O'Reilly: Welcome back. And now, tonight's Talking Points Memorandum...Socialism!

[Overlay of Talking Points Memorandum lithograph]

O'Reilly: ObamaCare. You've read about it in previous editions of The O'Reilly Factor. You've heard your neighbors talking about it, but what is it? What is it really? Socialism. That's what it is. Obama wants to take your money and give it on somebody that isn't you. Worse, he wants to furnish it, in the manner of some bizarre Robin Hood, to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Portions of the bill are said to show that he even plans to insure the wretched refuse of our own teeming shore! But wait, it gets far, far worse:

Fact: Unlike now, under your HMO, under socialized medicization you will not be able to pick your own medical practitionator. Instead, Washington will do it for you, and they'll all pick you out a gynecologist, even if you aren't a member of the weaker sex!

Fact: People worse off than you, common men of common ancestry, like the lazy Dublinite or drunken Belfaster, will get the same shoddy level of socialized care that you'll receive!

Fact: It's bad enough that he wants to pillage private programs like Medicare and the Administration of Veterans to fund this crass governmental fiascoation, but that plundering will mean that your very own grandmother will be abandoned; left to die in an alley of consumption instead of dying in her home of consumption. And let's not forget the Boards of Demise; government bureaucrats who will kill her before she even has a chance to die!

Will you stand still and let this travesty come to pass? I, for one, say "Nay!"

And that's tonight's Talking Points Memorandum. Coming up after the break; I excitedly berate an ideological opponent on live telenewspapervision.

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O'Reilly: Welcome back. With me now is Press Secretary of the White House, John James Thurwood.

John James Thurwood: I'm glad to have a chance to speak out in defen...

O'Reilly: Shut up! Shut up, Sir!

John James Thurwood, posing in front of White House
Photo copyright Nineteenth Century Fox™

Thurwood: B-b-but...

O'Reilly: What's it like working for this libelously liberal and fructociously and fanatically unniggardly negro? Does he force you to pick the watermelon seeds from his teeth while he mocks you with nightmarishly erotical descriptions of his grossly engorged, thickly veined, elephantine appendage?

Thurwood: I, uh...

O'Reilly: Shut up!

Thurwood: ...

O'Reilly: More to the point, in your estimation, did John Wilkes Booth assassinate the wrong man?

Thurwood: That is a terribly uncivilized thinge for an educatified man to say. You should be asham...

O'Reilly: Shut up! You make me sick. Good daye Sir! I said good daye! And now, tonight's Talking Points Memorandum...Socialism!

[Overlay of Talking Points Memorandum lithograph, again]

O'Reilly: Socialism. You've no doubt heard of the strikes that wrack this Great Nation. The constant state of unworkingness of the so-called "Union Man", not to mention their vow to protest and march until their demeaning demands for such frivolous frou-frou and flippant frippery as "...mines enforcened against collapsation, factory machinery that doesn't entanglfy and inmanglate arms, legs, heads and children..." and other nincompooperous nonsense like a workday of a mere twelve hours, cost our poor Captains of Industry a pretty penny. One, they lose money every minute their mines aren't extracting clean coal for disencoldening our homes or for burning in the external combustion engines that power our mills, both cotton and gin. Only the dedication to duty and commitment to commitment of our Great Nation's patriotic strikebreakers keep the coal pumping and the factories manufacturizing.


And this is what ObamaCare means for you. Medical practitionators striking! How many presciptications for a tincture of laudanum do you think you'll be able to receive from socialist healthcare while your doctorizer is refusing to work in the mine, hmmm? You don't want to be the parakeet in that mine, I can tell you.

Fact: You will face enrationing of lifesaving care, like mercury enemas to treat your whooping cough, arsenic garglings for your wife's hysteria and your children will have to wait in line for their annual phrenological enmeasurings!

Fact: ObamaCare, although Washington says that it won't fund abortion, will fund abortion. Yes, Obama wants to skirt around the Lord's punishment for Sin! Women are supposed to die during the entroubled deliveration of their ninth child. Instead, ObamaCare will have them die of unforeseen and unavoidable medical complications whilst attempting to abort that child, like trismus or embleedening.

Fact: Under ObamaCare, you and everyone you know will die.

Only you can fight ObamaCare. Only you can save these Great States from Big Health. Only you. Beat your plowshares into swords, America. Liberty demands it.

And that was tonight's Talking Points Memorandum. Let us pause for this commercial break.

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O'Reilly: Welcome back. To close this episode, a personal treatise by me, William O'Reilly...

"The only patriotic thing for patriots to do is overthrow the government!"

People of America, we've all just been through a long and costly war. Some people say that it was unnecessary. Patriots...patriots like me, say that it was. All of us have lost family members, whether from the horrors of combat, with booming cannon and banging pistol, or disease, like drippy dysentery and mangy mange. We'll lose a heck of a lot more than that if Obama gets his way. This negro...yes, this negro, says that healthcare for all is a moral necessity. I say that the theft, or "taxation", to enfund it is anything but! "Our medical system is broken", he says. I say that our peacemeal system of private insurance for those of wealth and breeding, personal charity for the poor and personal responsibility, followed by personal bankruptation, for those in the middle has served all of America exceptionally well, lo these many years, most especially for those that don't have to depend on the largess of their Christian neighbor or on their own meagre savings to empurchase treatments for their rickets, scrofula or dropsy.

I didn't take up ball and musket for the South only to lose America to some uppity negro. You shouldn't either. Instead of hiding behind the Thirteenth Amendment, picking your medical practitionator, he should, as his parents and their parents before him, be out behind the slave's quarters, pickin' your cotton.
And that's The O'Reilly Factor for this eve. Good day.

[Closing credits roll]

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