UnNews:Chelsea to receive moral victory parade after UCL Final

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24 May 2008

London, England: Chelsea are planning a ticker-tape parade in West London to celebrate rightfully reaching the final of the UEFA Champions League after their match against Manchester United. Despite being by far the better team, a dodgy, wet and completely-unfit-to-play-on pitch meant that John Terry slipped over whilst taking the decisive penalty, enabling United to take the win to be crowned European champions of football, and also glory hunting.

"We shouldn't lose sight of what the squad has achieved," said fullback John Terry, who slipped over whilst taking the penalty that would have won Chelsea the top prize in European football. "This time, our team was not shafted by a bunch of scouse has-beens led by a tubby waiter, but rather by a team that's won the European Cup three times. We've put the heartbreak of previous European campaigns behind us to give our fans a whole new bitter experience."

During the parade, the team will be showered with torn-up paper, mostly betting slips from disappointed fans who'd backed Chelsea to win at least one piece of silverware at some point during the season.

But coach Avram Grant will not attend the parade, with Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich saying that reaching the final was not a sufficient achievement to warrant a such a celebration. Rather than marching down Kings Road with his team, Grant will instead spend the day unclogging the toilets in the player’s locker rooms, having been demoted to team janitor.

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