UnNews:Doctors find cure for weight loss

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Friday, April 16, 2021, 14:03:59 (UTC)

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16 October 2007

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KANSAS CITY, CENTRAL AMERICA - Today, a local man, Mr. Jethro Faltrop, announced to the media that he has secretly been working on a cure to weight loss in his basement for several years. He has, as this reporter learned, finally come up with a cure. In his statement to the media, Mr. Faltrop outlined his several failed cures, including bullets, bears, bromide, broth, brothers, bumps, backs, bumpers, burps, and bork-bork. He later went on to comment on the fact that he now realizes that buying only the B section of Encyclopaedia Britannica was probably a mistake.

Mr. Jethro Faltrop, standing in his working clothes, but not his bus driver working clothes, his other working clothes. To the right of him, is his basement.

It is hard, dear reader, to publish a full statement from Mr. Faltrop, due to the fact that he would, on several occasions, break into song during the conversation. It did become clear, however, that he was both a rabid fan of Pink Floyd, and that his research was sparked by suddenly losing weight after not eating for many days. This experience, which actually occurred over a period of time and at several points in time, during 1995 and 1983, caused Jethro Faltrop to pause, think, and, as we have discussed earlier, buy the B section of Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Without grants from the government, formal training, a license, or most of an encyclopaedia, Robert, as his friends have sometimes mistakenly called him, worked night after night. Sometimes, he worked during the day. But, that work was mostly as a bus driver, and has nothing to do with weight loss. Bus driving, is, in fact, what Mr. Jethro Faltrop does to earn money. Or, at least, he used to. Before he became an international hero with his cure for weight loss. And that, dear and faithful reader, is what this news story is about. However, before a good writer divulges the crux of his plot, he usually gives the reader something called "background information", so I thought I'd try to do a little bit of that, before jumping right into the deep end of this very interesting story.

You see, the "secret", if you can really consider anything printed in ink to be a secret, of Mr. Jethro Faltrop's discovery, is lard. And no, I don't mean eating Crisco out of ice-cream cones, not that that would be a bad idea. However, in this case, Mr. Jethro has spent hundreds of minutes, adding up to thousands of hours, packing lard into pills. He call his new pseudo-medication "Lardium", and sells it over the internet, mainly to his friends and family, who pretend to be rich Chinese business people. Sadly, when this reporter broke that news to Mr. Faltrop during the question and answer period, he refused to answer, and instead broke out in an a cappella rendition of "Rock and Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter, and later went on to change the subject of conversation to the colour magenta.

Now, as you may have realized, the title of this story mentions "Doctors". I have to come clean with you reader. That was just a plot for your attention. There aren't really any doctors in this news item. In fact, there is a pretty marked lack of doctors in this story, especially because it is about what is quite possibly the largest, pun intended, health care breakthrough of our time. Therefore, I would like to take a moment to mention this doctor that I met the other night. His name is Timothy. He's really good looking. But, that's not really got much to do with Mr. Jethro Faltrop, and since there really isn't much more I can say about Mr. Faltop, I guess I'll just have to fax this story to my editor and hope that he prints it. Maybe he'll cut out this sentence and the sentence before it.

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