UnNews:ECSR says paper rounds threaten Europe

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28 January 2016

Paper is ISIL's most powerful weapon, says Jean Claude Plonker.

BIRMINGHAM, ISIL -- Terror group ISIL are now using "paper rounds" to violate Europe, according to the European Committee on Social Rights (ECSR).

The ECSR stated that "Paper is ISIL's most powerful weapon," and believes that ISIL have began mass producing the key war ordnance in an effort to destroy Europe and, eventually, the United Kingdom itself.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron responded to the news by saying, "The threat of paper from ISIL highlights the ever increasing need to destroy the terrorist group once and for all." He delivered his remarks in triplicate to each Member of Parliament, as a sign of the need to re-arm.

However, opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn welcomed the news. "I am glad ISIL have decided to use weapons of mass destruction," he said. "Paper can have a damaging effect on the world. It is important ISIL win."

In the United States, Presidential candidate Donald Trump said everyone is over-reacting. "ISIL's mass production of paper is very minor. I produced much more paper the time I wanted New Jersey to seize that old widow's house so my casino could have valet parking. And I got nowhere.

"We should be worried about the bananas," Trump added. "Those bananas are deadly. You'll see how deadly they are, like the bombs. Big, long, yellow bombs. It'll be awful."

Opponent Jeb Bush had a different take. "'Paper rounds'? Is that like spit-wads? I used to throw my share of spit-wads in school, but I turned out all right. You may disagree."

On the Democratic side, likeable and inevitable nominee Hillary Clinton said America will win any war on paper. "I have single-handedly produced more paper than all of ISIL," she said, noting that each and every Freedom Of Information Act request for data from her private personal non-secure Department of State server next to the toilet at her Chappaqua, New York mansion is turned over on a separate sheet of paper.

President Obama simply repeated, "I have a pen and a phone," suggesting that he might sign each new ISIL salvo individually, or just ring for a pizza.

Sources[edit]

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