UnNews:EcoSanta's tips for Xmas

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, March 6, 2021, 22:51:59 (UTC)

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19 December 2020

The modern symbol for a sustainable holiday.

North Pole, Arctic Slushpool -- Hi, ecoSanta here to help you have a holiday that you can brag about well into the coming year. First off, get a Christmas rock. Not too big, we don't want anyone to get hurt lifting it and put it next to the television in your living room. If you can't find the perfect rock, look for an ecoSanta Xmas rock at your local nursery starting at $59.95. No tree, they're environmentally unsound and you weren't going to burn it afterward, were you? To decorate your Xmas rock go out and pick up some rubbish. Use your Xmas creativity to turn it into Xmas rock ornaments that symbolize sustainability or something.

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Finding it hard to get ideas? ecoSanta's new book, "Turning rubbish into more rubbish" is just full of great inspirations, and only $39.95 from Amazon or your local bookshop. What about the presents? There's probably lots of rubbish left over from the ornaments so get to it. If you can't think of an awesome present to make, have another look at "Turning rubbish into more rubbish" (hurry, only $39.95). The person who receives your gift won't dare to complain for fear of being labelled an environmental vandal and they can throw it away without the guilt of discarding something of value.

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Besides, having saved all that money, you can now think about buying ecoSanta's "101 eco-meals for the holidays" (on special for only $43.95 at selected newsagents). This amazing volume gives you all the latest tips on preparing holiday meals from all those apparently inedible foods like high-fiber kale and dandelion roots. Your family will not believe it when they see what you can do with raw materials that only desperate animals will eat. Carbonizing temperatures in the deep fryer backed up with lots of sugar and salt can work wonders. No worries about feeling stuffed for ages, it'll soon be gone.

Finally, are you disappointed that the family can't gather together for Xmas because they're afraid of COVID-19, sick in your local ICU or maybe already dead from it? The ecoSanta musical Xmas card is what you want. Only $11.99 at department stores near you, it allows you to log on to ecoSanta.com and choose the the Xmas song that you would like to download onto your card. There is a fantastic range of brand new Xmas songs to choose from like "Hark the Herald Angels Rap" and "I'm dreaming of a non-white Xmas". All songs have been cleansed of colonial and patriarchic references and were recorded in live performances in countries without clean water and basic sanitary systems.