UnNews:El Humidor switches to Bitcoin

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Sunday, June 20, 2021, 03:03:59 (UTC)

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7 June 2021

The new Humidorean currency, artist's rendition.

SAN SALVATRUCHIDOR, El Humidor -- This Central American nation announced on Monday that it will adopt the Bitcoin as legal tender.

"Bitcoin has no firm backing, is subject to wild fluctuation, and its value is set by a cryptic process over which no one has any control," said President Nayib Bukele. "This makes it just about equal to anything we could cobble together ourselves." Bukele rose to power in 2019 and acquired a two-thirds majority in the legislature last March, which shockingly suggests he might get his way.

El Humidor's legal money right now is the U.S. Dollar, which under President Joe Biden could become as dodgy as Bitcoin. The dollar is also the official money in the Panama Canal Zone and in Ecuador during every other presidency. Conversely, Venezuela already has a national currency based on Bitcoin, which is one of several ways that President Maduro induces citizens to exchange notes that have value for those that don't.

However, about 70% of Humidoreans do not have bank accounts and are not in the financial system, forced to simply pay cash because they cannot avail themselves of long lines, surly tellers complaining that the slip isn't filled out correctly, and nationwide bank holidays while the banknotes are replaced by ones with fewer zeroes. However, these campesinos will have no trouble at all getting cellphones and downloading apps to do transactions in Bitcoins despite the general absence of cell towers.

Bukele partnered with a high-tech company called Strike to be the analog of the United Fruit Company in past generations, which spirited away the nation's bananas for the good of its people. This is certainly not the same Strike that produced the Atlas Shrugged movie that enshrined Ayn Rand's capitalist vision, ironically leading El Humidor away from the Sign of the Dollar. Bitcoin has lost half its value already this year, and other crypto-currencies are even worse, rising and falling based on nothing more than tweets from Elon Musk. Bukele is confident that his citizens will "feel right at home" under the Bitcoin regime, and said the collapse of its value means his country will get in right at the bottom.

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