UnNews:FBI creates website to track down insurrectionists

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8 January 2021

FBI: Do you know who these angry rioters are? Because we don't.

WASHINGTON, D.C -- The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has created a website to find those responsible for Wednesday evening's attack on the Capitol. They are asking for Facebook profiles, Instagram postings and Twitter account handles to try to find the people involved in the riot.

Investigators are sifting through a lot of information that has already been received. Some of the rioters wore masks but others were quite brazen and wore military uniform. These were the "Redcoats" belonging to a "Sir George Cockburn." He was seen wearing a uniform identified as belonging to the British Royal Navy and shouting "Stop the Steal of 13 colonies!" from His Majesty King George III. Another Brit identified is Jamiroquai in his distinctive headgear and tattoos. He was last seen singing funk music and dropping acid in Nancy Pelosi's office.

"We expect this is going to be a long haul," said a FBI spokesperson. "We are also looking out for Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Mexico."

The public appeal follows frequent success on the West coast at catching rioters by taking advantage of the fact that most document their violence on YouTube, have their names tattooed on their necks, or have grandmothers who gush about their doings on Twitter.

Unfortunately, all the FBI's DNA-analysis equipment is occupied determining whether each of the nation's five billion new Coronavirus "cases" have the U.K. variant or Covid Classic, so as to guide the national panic, and thus cannot be used to assay puddles of spit on the Capitol sidewalks.