UnNews:Gays beg Republicans: "stop being gay"

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Friday, April 19, 2024, 18:43:59 (UTC)

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31 August 2007

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

The typical Republican politician showing up on gaydar would indeed require an act of God.

LIBERAL CONSPIRACY HEADQUARTERS, San Francisco, Thursday (UnVocate) — Gay community leaders and organizations have put out a plea to conservative thinkers, media figures and especially politicians: for the love of God, please stop being gay.

"I know we're supposed to 'recruit, recruit, recruit!'" said spokesfag Crispin Quaint, "but ew. Do we really want these people associated with us? That Christian rock, it's beyond even camp value, darling."

"Oh, there's some good stuff in the Bible," said spokesdyke Elle Lucius. "The surging and manly love story of David and Jonathan, or the hot girl-on-girl action of Ruth and Naomi. The bit in Leviticus against things that taste of fish, I'm not so sure about."

The furtive, closeted nature of the Republican politicians' activities has also come in for criticism. "Bathroom gropers, glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight ... these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can't they afford better tailoring?

"I mean, George Bush was quite the hottie in his younger years. Those National Guard photos, whooo! But let's be serious. There's kinky, there's perverted and then there's just plain sick."

Sources

• Elle Lucius "Schadenfreude, it's what's for brunch". The Reactionary Agenda, August 30, 2007