UnNews:Harry Potter reveals COVID-19 cure

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9 April 2020

Wizard Potter in drag.


Harry Potter reveals COVID-19 cure

Famed child wizard and magic merchant Harry Potter has made his previously secret cure for the dreaded Coronavirus Of Voldemort's Infernal Devising No. 19 (COVID-19) public in a bid to save humanity and kickstart another cinematic adventure. In a closely guarded interview in the grounds of Hogwarts, Harry has described the arcane rituals that will relieve the signs of COVID-19 and render the person who performs them properly immune to the disease for up to 14 days.

UnNews: "Wizard Potter, we are grateful for being chosen as the media organization to first hear your cure for the greatest scourge of the human race since Fusarium oxysporum annihilated the Gros Michel banana crops. By the way, must I wear this blindfold?"

Harry Potter (HP): "I am happy to provide UnNews with the typical sort of news that you publish. Yes, I am afraid you must wear the blindfold or you will be struck blind by the incandescent power of the magical incantations that you are not about to observe."

UnNews: "Oh. On what magical process is your cure based?"

HP: "First we must define the cause of the disease. Small flying dragons were cursed with the causative organism. They escaped from Voldemort's castle and spread the curse by flying around markets where muggles gather to obtain their food and various traditional potions for other ailments that Voldemort has employed to punish humanity in the past for not believing in his absolute power and beneficence."

UnNews: "Wow. So it's all the fault of these flying dragons."

HP: "Indeed. Take no account of these rumors that it is an invisible blob of proteins and nucleic acids woven together by the ingenuity of mankind. Such nonsense has ever kept muggles from discerning the true workings of the cosmos."

UnNews: "Well, what about the cure?"

HP: "Ah, the cure is a combination of arcane acts and incantations of mickle might, hitherto revealed only to those in the inner circle of medical wizardry. Listen carefully, oh muggle, for this secret can only be related once or the volcanoes of the earth will vent their pyroclastic fury as they are directed by Voldemort's rage."

"UnNews: "Okay, I'm listening."

HP: "Those wishing to rid themselves of the dragon-borne blight of COVID-19 must first descend into the nearest salt mine to a depth of at least 500 meters. Then, holding the anti-COVID-19 magical bone in their teeth, perform a handstand at the stroke of midnight. Upon doing so, they must then take six deep breaths, exactly six, mind you, and cough loudly. Removing the anti-COVID-19 magical bone from their mouth, loudly pronounce the words, "Voldemort is an asshole". They may then regain their normal posture."

UnNews: "That sounds pretty magical. What was the bit about the bone?"

HP: "The anti-COVID-19 magical bone will soon be available from magic shops near you. We have finalized a deal with the Wuhan Peacock Farming Cooperative to produce them. Now they may look like a peacock femur that has been gnawed by a hungry dog for a while, but these bones have been infused with the magical power to dispel the signs of the disease and restore glowing health if the accompanying instructions are followed to the letter. $57.95 at a magic shop near you."

UnNews: "Right. We'll get this out to the world ASAP and thank you for your esteemed knowledge and this interview."