UnNews:Hylian teen arrested for property damage

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24 February 2007

The old man, sick and tired of Link's bullshit.

KAKARIKO VILLAGE, HY - A 17-year-old Hylian was arrested Friday afternoon on charges including breaking and entering, property damage, and theft.

Countless dozens of valuable hand-crafted clay jars have been destroyed in more than twenty homes and businesses across Hyrule within the last month. Hundreds of rupees once stored inside them have also reportedly been stolen. "I couldn't fucking believe it," claimed Donna Puccio, a Kakariko Village resident. "He just walked in, smashed the jar, took our rupee savings inside, and split! That jar was a heirloom that had been in my family for over ten generations!"

The suspect alleged to have committed these crimes, a 17 year old male who goes by the name "Link", had become more notable to residents in recent weeks. David Morris, a royal guard, noticed him a number of times in Castle Town. "He just kept prancing around in that green dress that those tree-kids wear, throwing Cuckoos at children and rudely interrupting strangers to talk to them. Seriously, what kind of asshole dresses like that?" His notability is what ultimately led to suspicion.

On Friday morning, the old man decided to take action. "When he first came into town, I tried to be generous and help him out by giving him a wooden sword." he said. "And then he came around and started breaking my jars and stealing my money, but I gave him a second chance, because everyone gets a little anxious in a new place." The old man made it clear how he felt the second time. "This little prick walked into my house, and I decided enough is enough. The people of this town aren't taking any more of his shit. I shot a few fire-balls at him, and that was enough to keep him stunned until the cops showed up." Link was apprehended within minutes of the incident.

Link was arraigned Friday afternoon on charges of breaking and entering, property damage, and theft. The suspect pleaded not guilty, and a trial date has not yet been assigned. The youth's parents could not be reached for comment.

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