UnNews:Jobless youth appeals for end to discrimination

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Wednesday, October 28, 2020, 22:24:59 (UTC)

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25 September 2020

Would you give this man a job?.

SUNSHINE COAST, Queensland -- Novak Daniels (no relation to Stormy) has publicly denounced the discrimination that he claims has ruined his chances of paid employment. We spoke to young Novak via video link to avoid any droplets of saliva that might have emerged in his spirited condemnation of the establishment.

UnNews: "Mr. Daniels..."

Novak Daniels (ND): "Just call me Novak, okay! No Mr. shit."

UnNews: "Sure Novak. You have claimed that there is an anti-punk conspiracy to deprive you of gainful employment. Could you tell us how this operates?"

ND: "It's not just anti-punk, it's anti everything except boring. I finally found the way to be an individual and what do I get? Rejection. Boring people never look at the good side of anything."

UnNews: "Sure. What sort of work would you like to get?"

ND: "That's a difficult question because any time I think of working at something I realize that it will support the system and the system is broken and why should I support a broken system?"

UnNews: "There is a certain logic in that I guess. So nothing out there really says 'I'm the job for you' to you."

ND: "Nah, there's lots of things I'd like to do. Say for instance a marriage celebrant. Of course I think marriage is a crock, but I could relate to giving the bride and groom a good lecture on the downside of marriage and make them promise never to trust each other. Tell 'em that this is going to be a battle and whoever comes out on top is the winner."

UnNews: "Have you found out about how you could become a marriage celebrant?"

ND: "Nah. My mates say that I'd be lucky if two funnelweb spiders would want to get married by me. So I applied for a job as doorman at a couple of hotels and never even got an interview. How's that for discrimination?"

UnNews: "Did you send a photograph with your applications?"

ND: "Course I did. I wanted them to know that they were getting an individual at their front door, not just a faceless bum-licker. This discrimination extends right up to the top. I had a genius idea for starting a business."

UnNews: "Oh, what was that?"

ND: "I was going to run a funeral parlour. I could see straightaway that that was a business where I could make a positive contribution. But not to society. Just to the people who were milling around mourning. I could tell 'em all that this was the answer. The world is broken, everything is falling to bits and this dude has found the anwswer. Death. Yeah, he's escaped. You mugs are all stuck in it and he's gotten out. Can you imagine the enlightenment I would bring to all those mourners. I've got some really good ideas about getting rid of the stiff in creative ways, too."

UnNews: "Well, you never know until you try."

ND: "Try? Ha! It turns out you can't just find an empty shopfront and put your sign up. You've got to have a big fridge for the, um, deceased and lots of space for flowers and stuff. So I applied for a loan from the government and they start crapping on about collateral and payment options and gave me this big booklet about 'How to Start your Funeral Services Business'. Would the government fund Gothic Post-Death Services? No imagination whatsoever."

UnNews: "Perhaps if you began with something more modest like being a waiter at a punk-themed cafe?"

ND: "I serve no one, dude. Besides they try to do everything themselves and usually only last about a week. Same thing, discrimination. When you finally get to be an individual, there aren't many people who accept you as one of their own."

UnNews: "Well, thanks Novak. If you have any luck with employment, let us know. We'd be fascinated to find out who would hire you."

ND: "Hang on, I haven't read my manifesto yet."

UnNews: "Maybe later, Novak."