UnNews:Joe Biden checking out black women

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, September 19, 2020, 03:30:59 (UTC)

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22 July 2020

PDPN Joe Biden.

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania USA -- Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee (PDPN) Joe Biden has seriously addressed the knotty problem of choosing a running mate before the November election is upon us. By publicly announcing that four black women are in contention for the Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidate (DVPC) he has considerably narrowed the field, previously crowded with ex-presidential candidates, a variety of public office holders and hopeful volunteers. Unfortunately he has not specified who the four women are, providing a great deal of wiggle room in the current guessing game. UnNews spoke to PDPN Biden about what is certain to be a historic announcement on this burning issue.

UnNews: "Good morning PDPN Biden. We're just trembling with excitement at the prospect of finding out more about who is likely to be on the ticket with you this November."

Joe Biden (JB): "Gosh, that's nice of you to say that. What's that PDP thing about?"

UnNews: "Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee. We understand that it is imperative to have a good acronym for anything that might be difficult to pronounce or too long to fit in a sound bite."

JB: "That sure is a mouthful. I sure wouldn't like to have to say that every other sentence. It might come out all wrong and then President Trump would start saying that I've got a speech disorder. He does say some awful things about me y'know. Then again I might not have been as forgiving about him as I could."

UnNews: "That's understandable. How would you prefer to be addressed, then?"

JB: "How about just Joe? A lot of people call me that already and it's pretty easy to say. Not like one of these names that you always get wrong and people think you have a speech disorder. I had enough trouble with them during the primary debates."

The current Republican Party skin color candidate test.

UnNews: "There are a lot of Joes out there, but since our audience is probably aware that we're interviewing PDPN Joe Biden, I think we can stick with Joe."

JB: "That's mighty kind of you. I'll remember that when I'm President."

UnNews: "Thanks, Joe. Now to the selection of a Vice Presidential candidate. What are the criteria that are being applied to the contenders for the position?"

JB: "We're not actually putting these important aspects out for public review. If you say practically anything in the lead-up to the election, somebody is sure to hold it under your nose after. How about you ask me some specific questions, kinda like guessing and I'll see if it's okay to answer them."

UnNews: "Great. Now the big one is about complexion."

JB: "Oh, you mean if they have good skin? I'll have to ask my campaign manager about that one."

UnNews: "Not quite. You may have heard President Trump's skin color described as a subtle blend of jaundice and erythema."

[[

The Democratic Party skin color candidate test is broader than the Republicans'.

JB: "You're movin' a bit fast there. What's that erythema?"

UnNews: "It's kind of a fancy way of saying that he's orange."

JB: "Oh, he sure is. Now I think I see what you mean. Yes, that factor has led to a lot of discussion. We can't say that the candidate is something unless she looks like something, huh?"

UnNews: "Exactly. It must be a tricky balance finding the albedo that will appeal to the most voters."

JB: "Much as I would like to uphold my reputation for straight talking, I'm afraid I'll have to let that one pass. And I'd like to ask you about that albedo later."

UnNews: "Okay, you have previously admitted that you would like to have a good looking VP if at all possible."

JB: "Very important. Why you just look at Mike Pence. I once said that if President Trump had picked that Christie guy as VP he might have had to go back to the real estate business. However, as the numbers guys say, we have to have a balance."

UnNews: "So again you have the delicate task of getting the right level of physical attractiveness. not too homely, not too hot."

JB: "I guess you could say it that way. Can we sort of move on?"

UnNews: "Sure. Vice presidents have a bit of a reputation for not venturing too boldly into the intellectual sphere. Is the candidate's appeal to the intelligentsia something that looms large in your calculations?"

JB: "President Trump has not really tried to get the votes of intelligent people, if that's what you mean, and we're always on the lookout for a voting bloc that can be brought into the fold. To be honest here, and I think I can, there just aren't enough of them. Even if we do there's likely to be cries of catering to the elite and I've been told that this would open a can of beans - oops, I mean worms. That wasn't a mistake, you know, just a joke."

UnNews: "Of course. Everyone likes the interview to end with a laugh. We're really grateful for this information Joe, and we hope to get another interview when the VP picture comes into focus, shall we say."

JB: "My pleasure. Now about that albedo..."

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