UnNews:Kondo opens chain of empty stores

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18 December 2019

Marie Kondo's chain of empty stores lack anything that didn't "spark joy".

TOKYO, Japan -- First it was the books, like the best-selling The Life-Changing Magic of Throwing Up. (If something you ate doesn't spark joy, just cough it back up, thank it, send it on its way...) Then it was a Netflix show. Then it was the cash-in KonMari website. And now, in her latest venture, obsessive-compulsive neat freak Marie Kondo has announced plans to open a chain of empty stores.

"It's quite simple," explained Kondo. I'd tried operating a website full of pointless rubbish – $24 for a crumb brush, $275 for a distressed-brass vase – but it soon became clear that my antics weren't sparking joy for anyone. "This is her shtick," they'd scoff, "Get rid of anything that doesn’t 'spark joy' so you can buy her new crap". I was feeling despondent and down in the dumps. Then I met a pair of poor gypsies, who didn't seem to have a care in the world. I asked them what they did for a living. They showed me... they own an empty store. How brilliant.

Then I realised I can do better, just because I'm Marie Kondo and I'm famous. So I've opened a chain of empty stores. Everything that doesn't spark joy has been discarded, thanked and sent on its way. Now I shall be rich beyond all measure!

The thrift stores on which last year's crop of products was dumped to make room for this new, brilliant initiative had no comment.