UnNews:McConnell promises Senate will do more damage

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

UnFair and UnBalanced UnNews Tuesday, July 7, 2020, 03:16:59 (UTC)

McConnell promises Senate will do more damage UnNews Logo Potato.png

5 January 2020

The reader may scoff, but McConnell thought it a snappy turn-of-phrase.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. Senate Leader Mitch McConnell said on Friday that the Senate would now take over from the House, and do more damage. "Their turn is over. They’ve done enough damage! It’s the Senate’s turn now," he said.

(Some outlets aired a longer cut in which McConnell talked about "sober judgment," but UnNews Senate experts concluded that this was an error.)

McConnell was referring to the House's impeachment of President Donald Trump as a person whom it is important to remove from office with not a moment to waste. McConnell has cleared the entire Senate calendar for January, just in case House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sends the Impeachment Bill over. Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO), on the other hand, will move to dismiss the bill even before it is introduced. Hawley's motion would also dismiss several other things that are not before the Senate, such as Star Wars: The Mandalorian and avocado toast.

The President has curiously conducted business-as-usual — speaking to evangelism-styled campaign rallies with more laying-on-of-hands than at a Joe Biden rally, between drone strikes on Iranian terrorist bosses — which candidate Elizabeth Warren has called a cheap diversion from impeachment. "Why now? Why not a month ago, why not a month from now?" she asked, the answer to the latter question being that the guy will already be dead. Warren said it is a "reasonable question to ask" why Mr. Trump does not sit quietly at his desk in the Oval Office and join the wait to see if Pelosi walks the Impeachment Bill across the Capitol to the other chamber. That would give Senators such as Warren an actual basis to give opinions on it. The timing of the recent drone strike might have been a quid pro quo with the leader of, Belarus, say. We might never know without more committee hearings in the House basement featuring the testimony of Democratic Party lawyers on Appearance of Impropriety, this time perhaps also featuring Brig. Gen. Rose McGowan on military maneuvers that might be "disproportionate," especially while the President is under investigation.

Among the Senate damage McConnell might have been referring to is a drug-pricing bill. Bills in both houses would address medications that are priced unaffordably, perhaps including the cost of getting them through the FDA. One version of the bill would roll the prices back twenty years, to a time before they had prices at all. The legislation would remove unaffordable drugs from the market entirely and relieve the oft-mentioned dilemma between buying a vital wonder drug and heating one's home.