UnNews:NCAA says sports won't open until colleges do

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9 May 2020

NCAA President Mark Emmert addresses an aluminum "bat" during the cancelled 2020 varsity baseball season.

TWITTER, Social Distancing America -- NCAA President Mark Emmert said NCAA sports will not resume until all students are back on campus.

Speaking on Twitter Live to avoid potentially contagious human warmth during America's Coronavirus lockdown, Emmert said, "College athletes are college students." This is the line the NCAA uses to deny them a penny of the megabucks they earn for their institutions — an assertion that was sprinting into California state court until the virus entered the playoffs.

"You can’t have college sports if you don’t have college open and having students on them," Emmert continued. "You don’t want to ever put student-athletes at greater risk than the rest of the student body," except via aluminum bats, bone-crushing collisions at home plate, and quantity purchases of crutches for the basketball team. Also, off-the-field risks, like hazing at the deep end of the swimming pool, binge-drinking, and exposure to an emerging palette of venereal microbes.

He said Division I presidents are unanimous: "If you don’t have students on campus, you don’t have student-athletes on campus." This means full tuition plus another hefty bill for room-and-board, because filling the high-rise dorms is an "essential part of the college experience."

The NCAA’s chief medical officer, Dr. Brian Hainline, got on the webcam and stressed the importance of treating student-athletes as herd animals, almost as adamantly as U.S. state governors want to do to their populations, with continual testing, computerized tracing of who is friendly to whom, and forcing everyone to shoot up every supposed vaccine.

The NCAA suspended the winter college sports schedule, then scrapped all spring sports, as the Coronavirus spread. However, always looking out for its student-athletes, it magnanimously said they could use the redshirt (injury) exception to the four-year limit on college eligibility, if they simply forked over a fifth year of tuition.