UnNews:Neuro Trade Show Gets Bill Gates Under Control

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Friday, April 19, 2024, 05:28:59 (UTC)

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The 2006 Neurospark Show had record attendances, with particular interest generated at the Intelligent Design Inc. stand for their Mark II Faith Cap, which uses a controversial 'active' neurotransmission device to alter the wearer's thoughts or, as in this case, their faith. The makers claim that never again need you be worried about scientific certainty robbing you of your fundamentalist faith. Wearing the cap for just five minutes starves 'doubting areas' of the brain of dopamine, and it takes at least half an hour to recover critical faculties after taking the cap off. In a spectacular presentation, Intelligent Design contrasted the operation of the Faith Cap worn by a volunteer with a specially de-tuned version, dubbed the Doubting Thomas Dunce's Cap. A genuine bishop wearing the Dunce's Cap argued that he couldn't even be certain that he'd been ordained, and kept repeating, "I don't know. I just can't tell."

Another 'active' device, which has an endorsement from the Tourette's Syndrome Association, is the Clean-Your-Mouth-Out anti-swearing device, which costs just $99. It taps into the articulation centres of the brain, predicting when you are about to swear, and then sending a signal to the oral motor synapse, making you to say "beep" where you would otherwise use a swear word, "just like on prime time TV", claimed the salesman. Once the device is properly set, so it is claimed, it's literally impossible to utter any profanity. Available either as headwear or as a subcutaneous implant when ordered by a civil or criminal court.

Plenty of interest was also generated on stands displaying old technology 'passive' neurotransmission caps. A number of designerwear companies have jumped on the bandwagon to produce some very stylish neuro-headwear. The usual lie detectors were on display - lighting up or flashing whenever the wearer utters an untruth. More advanced versions use predictive programming together with a scrolling display to spell out the truth as you lie. Other options include a remote control, which your interlocutor can use to deactivate the light if it shows you are a compulsive liar, and a replay button, which allows the liar's lies to be played back for amusement. A version still in development has a remote with a "Shut Up" button which, using 'active neuro', can make the subject stop talking mid-sentence if required.

Whilst most people now recognise the benefits of 'passive' neurotransmission as an aid to communications, doubts are still being expressed about benefits of mind control as implemented with the 'active' or 'invasive' neuro. Bill Gates, who attended the conference, and briefly wore the remotely controlled Make-Me-Talk cap being promoted by the CIA said, "You have pressed an incorrect key. Please press Cancel and try again."