UnNews:New particle accelerator prompts nationwide protests

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10 December 2014

A sign from the Berkeley Protests, claiming that "Black Lives" should matter to scientists

BERKELEY, California -- Engineers, physicists, and general science guys from the Lawrence Berkeley National Lab here have created a 9cm compact "tabletop" particle accelerator that can bring electrons up to 4.25 giga-electron volts. That may not sound impressive compared to the 17 mile long particle accelerator at CERN, located in Geneva Switzerland, but the team at Berkeley adhere to the Size of the Ship Theory, which states that it is not the size of the ship, but indeed the motion of the ocean that dictates the effectiveness of particle accelerators.

Size of the Ship Theory is notable for rejecting "black lives" as an accurate measure of atom size. For years, it has widely been accepted that the "black life" (3/5ths of the total lifespan of an atom) is superior to the "Half-Life" theory established by Black Mesa scientist Gordon Freeman. The "black lives" measurement has been around since the United States Constitutional Convention in 1787, when a disagreement erupted between southern and northern states about how a state's atoms should be counted for apportionment. Physicist James Wilson and engineer Roger Sherman proposed that you take the average lifespan of an atom, and multiply it by 3/5 to get its length.

The controversy surrounding the switch to Half-Life Theory is that there is no longer a need to use "black lives" as a measurement. This has prompted many rednecks to flood the streets around the laboratories used to accelerate Half-Life research, such as Ferguson, Missouri and New York, New York. In Ferguson, scientist Darren Wilson used a handheld particle accelerator to kill notable Half-Life-denier Michael Brown, leading to riots.

A later incident involved the accidental death of Erik Garner, a scientist in New York studying particle accelerators and "black lives" during an experiment. The protests in Berkeley and Ferguson have become the largest in the history of science since the Vatican's attack on Galileo. The notable difference between the Galileo situation and the new riots over "black lives" is the violence between police and protesters. Amid the protests, scientists continue work on testing a new theory: The "Vector Location Theory", using the expanded "2nd Half-Life Theory" to theorize It is not the magnitude of the vector that counts, it's how you apply the force.

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