UnNews:New statues approved for public display

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Friday, January 22, 2021, 01:21:59 (UTC)

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13 June 2020

The prototype for statues of the future.

SEATTLE, Washington -- As protesters continue to attack statues of notable historic figures, activist leaders have proposed a design for public statues that will eliminate public discontent with historical associations that may offend anyone, anywhere.

UnNews interviewed four opinion leaders anxious for a following:

  • Ms Blythe Spurt, United Nations Special Rapporteur for Fashionable Discontent
  • Pu TuYu, representing the Chinese Communist Party's Ministry of Political Correctness
  • An unnamed spokesperson for the head of the Foundation for Historical Social Justice
  • An equally unnamed person who claims to be very important in the Antifa movement

The interview was done via an unnamed conferencing program to avoid violating one of the multitude of social distancing regulations currently in vogue — or, which had been in vogue until the street protests erupted.

UnNews: "I would like to begin with the views of the UN Rapporteur, Ms Blythe Spurt for the viewpoint of the United Nations —"

Pu TuYu: "This is clearly an insult to the peaceful and benevolent people of China, who deserve to be recognized as the natural leaders of forward looking political thought and action on the world stage. Those who promote such recidivist models of protocol should beware of the dire consequences of their unwise actions."

Blythe Spurt: "Oh, of course Mr Pu, I am happy to defer to your request."

Pu TuYu: "The erection of monuments to imperialist conquerors is correctly viewed as the slavish adoration of racism, slavery, systematic denial of rights to minorities, the perpetuation of poverty and the rotten system of democratic elections. We are putting our weight behind the replacement of such symbols of corruption and oppression with others promoting the correct view of history."

UnNews: "Mr Pu, I understand that you have applied for exemptions in cases of well known Chinese leaders like Genghis Khan and Mao TseTung."

PTY: "We must attempt to preserve the history of the greatest country on earth, which has ever enjoyed the peaceful and adoring regard of its geographical neighbors. Such shining lights in the dark and repugnant history of the world must be reflected around the globe rather than extinguished by the envy and greed of lesser countries. Do not arouse the rightful indignation of our universally hallowed country."

Blythe Spurt: "A very thoughtful and enlightening response, Mr Pu. Now we have been appalled at the public disturbance created in the peaceful destruction of a number of these statues. It is clearly in the interest of all societies to rid themselves of the symbols of past injustice that prevent peace from bursting out in every country. The futile argument that such icons are a reminder that the long struggle toward self determination and cooperation is not complete and must be carried on fails to acknowledge that we already know the answers. If only people and countries would stop squabbling about what is theirs and implement our recommendations."

UnNews: "It does seem that many countries are reluctant to stop defending their borders or willingly accept their takeover by another political system."

Antifa: "I'd like to present our case. We have taken the sensible step of defining fascism as what we say it is, rather than be hamstrung by outdated notions of militarism and nationalism. Far too confusing and prone to identifying the wrong regimes as fascist. Having established this groundbreaking innovation, we can call any regime we don't like fascist on the solid foundation that we don't like it. Once such a regime is so indentified, we can do pretty much anything we like to it."

UnNews: "And what is the position of the Foundation for Historical Social Justice?"

FHSJ: "We proceed from the biblical quote of "unto the fourth and fifth generation" to demand that the sins of the ancestors be visited upon the descendents, even if they are unaware of their ancestors. Therefore if a long gone tap dancer was found to be performing in the semblance of another race, the descendents had better look out for a class action or two on whatever assets they may now possess."

UnNews: "Ineresting as this all sounds, what do you suggest as the appropriate statuary of the future?"

Blythe Spurt: "As you can see, the image at the right shows the suggested form for future public statues once the present ones have been removed."

Pu TuYu: "Excepting those exempted under our negotiations."

Blythe Spurt: "Of course."

UnNews: "And what is this supposed to represent?"

Antifa: "It is clear from the representation of the head as a zero that the statue stands for nothing. The posture is one of dejection, appropriate for anyone who thinks they have done something extraordinary. The attire is the costume of those who currently think that they can point to historical figures who have done something extraordinary. This serves to remind anyone who thinks that their history means anything or has improved the state of the world that they are in some way criminals."

Pu TuYu: "Excepting those exempted under our negotiations."

Antifa: "Of course."

UnNews: "Well, thank you all for discussing your solution to the problem of history and its representation in public spaces. Next up we have a panel of experts on cures for COVID-19 that are being withheld from the public."


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.