UnNews:Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap
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| Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap | 
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3 March 2008
Saw V film set, Goatseshire, Scotland -- The upcoming installment in the Saw film series, Saw V, will include a game which will make the victim perform goatse on his own anus. According to actor Tobin Bell, the trap can potentially kill the ass meant to be placed in it. A proctologist will be required to be ready while filming.
According to Bell, the victim will be accused by the Jigsaw Killer of "heaving his head up his butt" for his entire life, and the victim will be a celebrity playing himself. The celebrity has been rumored to be Ricky Gervais. Also, the scene will parody the first scene of Scary Movie 4, making the dead body of the victim form the number 5 in the film's title screen. This means that the dead body will need to be very strangely contorted in order to form the number, however the director is confident that it can be done: "Yeah, it will be easy enough to twist a body into a number five. It'll only be when we start getting into two digit numbers like 13 that things will really get difficult."
Bell stated that the trap will involve two people, one of them addicted to crack. The crack addict will awaken in a room, finding himself seating under a chair, with his hands and legs tied in chains with a lock on them. His neck will be inserted in a round hole in the seat of the chair that is nailed to the floor, making it impossible for him to free his head from the seat. On the seat, in front of his eyes, is written a message saying that the addict must get over his crack obsession by having his head stuck in someone's crack. The second victim then awakes, realizing that his penis is erected and reversed into his own body, with his arms tied behind his back. On the floor is an empty pack of Viagra pills; his only hope to save his penis is to sit on the other man's head and make him push the penis outside using his tongue. On the wall he reads writing that says "STRETCH AS I STRETCH". He then panics and starts performing a goatse on himself, finally stretching his anus wide enough to insert the addict's head all the way into it, but the addict swallows the reversed penis, bites it off, and craps it through his own anus so that it doesn't choke him. The second victim starts bleeding massively and screaming in pain, while the addict discovers a key to the lock near his palms. The key was excreted out of him together with the second victim's penis. He then uses the key to unlock the chains, frees his head from the grasp of the second victim's anus, breaks the chair's seat and the room's door using the hard reversed penis, exits the room and runs away.
Saw Vs taglines are said to be You will be stretched in your seats, This movie is going to seriously suck, You've never seen a goat like this and Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Several countries already announced the film will not be distributed in their theatres, with the film's poster censored even by an Uncyclopedia administrator.
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |
Sources[edit]
- Various Crackheads "Saw Goatse for the first time"
- Bradaphraser "UnNews writer writes story to change frontpage image", UnNews, March 4, 2008