UnNews:Nothing happening; newsmen adapt

Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 16:28:59 (UTC)

26 May 2015

A friendly neighbor ignores the shocking weather news and offers local children free rides in his unsecured cherry-picker.

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico -- An astonishing lack of news swept the United States over the three-day Memorial weekend, forcing reporters to fall back on mostly weather-related stories for the dose of gripping tragedies that readers crave.

Nature obligingly served up floods in Texas, relocating trailers and vacation homes faster than Urban Renewal; and a drought in California, where the tiny snail darter's protest against the construction of new reservoirs is now in its fifth decade and Governor Jerry Brown has vowed to jail homeowners who abuse their right to such free water as is left after the state's rice farmers get their allocation.

Meanwhile, in New Mexico, a driver of a cherry-picker truck perched on top of a flatbed truck, giving neighbor children an aerial tour of the month that natives refer to as "sandstorm," found that the tour was suddenly intimate and the impromptu Ferris wheel turned into a roller-coaster. His demise gave police no one to file charges against, but constitutes an automatic entry in the year's Darwin Awards. His name was being withheld until next-of-kin could be notified of what a dope he was.

As usual, the President spoke to military cadets on the day that honors the nation's fallen heroes. He ignored the fall of Iraq to the Islamic State and focused on the nation's main remaining military threat: that unbridled capitalism is creating shocking weather statistics that are inexplicable except that weird stuff happens every May. He vowed to spend the next week locating any pockets of capitalism he has not yet bridled.