UnNews:OJ Simpson found guilty, sentenced to fifteen years in a resort hotel

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6 December 2008

OJ with the D-Block chief correctional officer, moments before the evening count

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- The trial of O.J. Simpson was brought to a close yesterday when the Las Vegas court declared that Simpson was guilty of murder armed robbery. The judge sentenced Simpson to spend at least fifteen years in a two-room suite at a local five-star resort hotel.

Simpson was accused of breaking in to a Las Vegas hotel room and stealing everything belonging to a pair of salespeople, including their arms and legs. Simpson had previously been acquitted in a 1995 trial in which he was accused of murdering his wife, her friend, her cousin, her mailman, and the entire population of her hometown. The innocent verdict caused quite a bit of controversy, especially considering that Simpson went to the trial wearing a necklace made out of his dead wife's teeth.

Simpson's room at the hotel where he is to spend the next fifteen years comes with a hot tub, a plasma screen tv, and a balcony with a built-in helicopter pad. After his first six years in the hotel, Simpson will be offered a parole hearing. The court has not yet selected a hotel in which Simpson will spend his time, but they assure UnNews that it will be very luxurious.

Although many consider this a first in the United States justice system, courts have in fact been sending convicted criminals to hotels for many years now. "It seems more practical and cost-effective," says New York judge Micheal Worb, "Think about prisons. Prisons provide their inmates with food, television, exercise, recreation...they're basically hotels. Just with a bit more rape. So why waste money maintaining jails when you can just send prisoners to hotels, where they are basically treated the same way? It's very cost effective when you think about it."

Simpson burst into tears when the verdict was read. When a journalist asked why he was crying, he said, "If I'd known this was what would end up happening, I would have killed TWICE as many people!"

Simpson will be locked in the hotel room at 4 pm tomorrow. The champagne will be served at 5.

Simpson's ex-lawyer later sent a message to OJ claiming "You should have plead the fifth."


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